Ending where It Started
by Hasselhoff
Summary: COMPLETE:: AU. Carter's wife does and he goes to work and County General. Joint Fic with AbbyLockhart2. Sequel up.
1. Gone, but not forgotten

Authors Note- Okay Liby (abbyLockhart2) and I got bored, well, actually, I got bored. So we did the thing most bored people do. We wrote a fic. Yep another one... I know what you're thinking "Don't you guys already have on of those on the go? And aren't you writing a sequel to Hate To Love And Back?" Well, yes we do haev another one on the go... BitterSweet Regrets (go check it out, if you haven't already... I'm pimping my fics, so what?" And the Hate To Love and Back, Well I wouldn't hold my breath for that... Not now at least. We were looking for something new creativily speaking. This fic is a little different then anything thats out at the moment, and I thank Liby times a billion, for doing this with me, cause it was gonna just be me... But then I asked her to do it, and it got really confusing if she was gonna do it or not... but she is... SO YAY!!! Anyways... please read and review tell us what you think...  
  
Disclaimer- Not ours...  
  
Spoilers- No. (Hah, I wish... Well sorta...)  
  
Rating- PG... For now, but our fics, seem to go from PG to R in one chapter... So yah  
  
Summary- Just read it... heh.  
  
~*~  
  
The warm water trickles down my back, a path of its own being created along my spine, a journey of its own, the droplets continues its way down my back, until it dies upon my buttocks. Death. The inevitable, the word that haunts me. The feeling that haunts me. I feel as though I am dead, physically speaking, I am in great health. Emotionally, well, that's another story. I run my fingers through my short cropped hair, realising how cheesy I have become over these last couple of years. If cheesy doesn't quite fit, morbid definitely will. Although, no one would know this. No one. To everyone else I am, well, I'm fine. I plaster a smile across my face, those who know me seem to buy it. Those who know me well, I don't think there are too many of those out there anymore, but the ones who do, they know that its phoney.   
  
The water turns from its once scalding hot, to a now, lukewarm. I am slowly brought out of my thoughts. I am beginning to think of the shower as my sanctuary. A place I can go where she swarms my thoughts. Controls my every move, she is still with me when I am in here. Call me crazy, many already have, but when I am in here, I feel as though nothing has changed. The grim reaper never came a rapping, on the door. The smell of death never filled my nostrils, as I prepared my last few words to her. I never sat down at night, when I was alone, and cried myself into a restless sleep. In here it all disappears, she comes back. I can feel her presence, sometimes even hear her laugh. I reach behind me and turn the shower tap to off, and watch as the last few driblets fall off the head of the shower. I throw my towel around my waist, and watch through the ajar window as the wind tousles the leaves on the trees. I fight the urges that tottle through my mind, to close the window. I watch for a second, feeling at peace with everything. These feelings don't come often, nor last long when they do, so I try with all my might to hang onto them, when they do. I stay like this until a tiny screeching voice brings me out of my thoughts.   
  
"DADDY!" I turn my head, my moment snapping like the neck of a frail old man. I tighten the towel and step out of my bathroom. I am met by my 7 year old. Her hair, that was once in neat braided pig tails, is now dishevelled and a mess around her chubby cheeks. Her plump fists remain balled up at her sides. I watch as the last few tears make their way down her cheeks.   
  
"What happened, sweetie?" I say bending down to her eye level. She sniffles a few times before diverting her gaze elsewhere. I tug on a few strands of her hair, bringing her attention back to me. She looks at me, then attempts to stare off again. Just like her mother; a drama queen.   
  
"Um-" She sniffles some more, sighs, then rubs her eyes. She is trying to milk all she can out of this. She knows I am a sucker for her. I wrap my arms around her, and set out on a mission... To find the little shit who did this. She nestles her head into my shoulder, I am familiar with this, it happens at least once a day. We make our way through the town house, managing to only trip over four items that were carelessly left on the floor. I stubbed my toe pretty good on one, yep, that's definitely going to leave a big black mark, and slowly the toe nail will rip off. I stop in the kitchen, a muffled laughter brings me to a halt. I look at my daughter, signalling for her to be quiet. She laughs, placing her hand over her mouth. I slowly reach out and open the cupboard.  
  
"Ah- ha! I got you.." His eyes open widely, shock and terror on his little face. He pushes by me, running through the cluttered house. I follow him, holding onto my baby for dear life. Her laughter, like music to my ears, fills the air.   
  
"Get him Daddy." She cheers, quickly he makes his way into my bedroom, closing the door. I open it, watching as he flops on the bed.   
  
"Did you do this to your sister?" A mischievous smile spreads across his face. He shakes his head, throwing the covers over his tiny body. I move towards the bed, whipping the covers off him.  
  
"Maddie, you squeal." He says through the gap in his mouth. I lift him up by the arm, hoisting him off the bed.   
  
"Sebastian Robert Carter... Don't lie to me." He rolls his eye, placing his hands on his hips in mock seriousness.   
  
"I wasn't lying dad, simply exaggerating..." He some how manages to wrap his mouth around the big word, that is somewhat out of contexts.  
  
"Wrong use, pal." I say setting Maddie down. "Now get out of here, I have to get dressed. They stalk off, Maddie stops at the door, looking back at me.  
  
"What about my hair, Daddy?" Her bottom lip stuck out, in a 'puppy dog pout.'   
  
"Give me a minute." She nods her head, running out of the room. I close the door behind them. Walking over to my dresser, I sift through various things I could wear for this. "Joyous Reunion" ...Hardly, I have been dreading this day for the past three years. A part of me is anxious to get out of the house, after all that has happened to us, I didn't think I would ever be able to go on again. Yet some how I have, but not being here every waking moment, for my kids, is going to be weird, a bad weird, well at first at least. I pull out a white T- Shirt, and a pair of plaid boxers, I put them on, heading over to my closet. I rifle through a few things, managing to find something I had hoped to never see again. I finger the material through the plastic covering. Its beautiful, but it doesn't have the same effect on me, unless its on her body. I remember the way she looked the day she wore it, her curly strands of hair, bouncing upon her shoulders. Her smile wide and bright enough to light up a room. I remember the way her fingers laced through mine, as the minister spoke to us. I remember that moment so vividly, as though it was just a few days ago, not a few years ago. She would mouth the words "I love you" through out the ceremony.  
  
"Daddy..." An annoyed voice brings me out of my thoughts, once again.   
  
"Maddie..." I mock her. She shakes her heads running away.  
  
"Is Daddy ready yet?" I hear Seb ask.   
  
"No, he's still in his underwear." Madison informs him. "Its gross, why do men feel the need to be half naked all the time." I can practically hear her rolling her eyes.   
  
"Maddie, Seb, go wait for me." I hear them giggle as they run into the front room to watch television. I leave the memory, browsing through my selection of suits. My eyes wander back to it, wondering how it ended up still being here. I remember Susan emptied my closet of all her belongings. I bring myself back to the present, and grab the first suit I see. I need to get out of here. I have spent too many years living in the past, I can no longer do that. I have to move forward. Not that I haven't tried. Those many dates Susan and others tried to set me up on didn't go anywhere. She insists its me, I think its because no of those other women match up to her. I drag myself away from the dress, and her so to speak.   
  
Quickly dressing, I walk out of my bedroom. I grab my hair brush, the pretty brush, as Maddie calls it. Its so feminine, but she would not let me brush her hair with anything that was, "Boyish," or "Gross." Never did I think I would be raising a seven year old girl all by myself. I take the two elastics off of the brush and place them around my wrist.   
  
"Okay, Maddie, lets get braiding, baby." She giggles, as I walk into the front room. I sit down on the couch next to Seb, picking her up, I place her on my lap and prepare to braid. I run through the brush through her hair. Sebastian looks on, with a disgusted look on his face. "What?" I shrug. He shakes his head, a hand slapping on his head.   
  
"Daddy, you are a girl." He says turning back to the television.   
  
"You're only five Sebastian, one day you'll braid hair too." Although, I hope he doesn't. He shakes his head at me. Maddie squirms under my hands as I braid the two separate clumps of hair. I finish, placing the two braids over her shoulders, so they are resting against her shoulders. After three years, I have become quite the hair stylist, cook, cleaner, and daddy. I should open my own day care. Madison turns around in my arms, fingering my name tag.   
  
"Dr. John Carter..." She sighs hugging me. "Do you have to go back to work Daddy?" She looks up at me, her sad face makes me want to quit working forever, and stay home and look after them. But I have a feeling work will maintain my sanity, even if it is County that I am working at.   
  
"Yup." I place her down on the floor, and grab her hand, reaching my other one out to Sebastian to pull him off the couch. "Off to school we go." Sebastian runs into the kitchen, grabbing the lunches off of the table, the lunches I made earlier. It could be the last lunches I make, the nanny will be doing that from now on. They shove them into their bags, I grab my brief case.   
  
"I like the fall." Maddie tells me, as she stands outside of the jeep. I nod in agreement, the fall. It use to be my favourite time of year, now, I hate October. Unfortunately, its that exact month I chose to go back to work. Or, was it Susan's threatening phone calls that got me back? One will never know. I open the doors, Maddie jumps in first, Sebastian falls. I close their door, following suit.   
  
"Daddy?" Sebastian says, as I pull out of our quiet street onto main street.  
  
"Mmmhmmm..."   
  
"Why do we have the van and never drive it." I swallow hard, preparing to answer, but Maddie jumps in for me.  
  
"It was Mommy's." Silence engulfs us. I try to distract myself, from the thoughts that drown me. I pull into the kids school. They hop out, kissing me on the cheek. Maddie takes her brothers hand guiding him into school. I pull out of the school parking lot, channel surfing as I drive to County. I find a nice classical station and settle on it. The sound soothes me, enabling me to drive without killing myself. I pull into the parking garage, and jump out of the car. This is harder then I thought it would be, I never really thought about my return, I never thought about much but her. Now here I am. I enter, walking through the automatic doors. Chaos all around me. Here I am, standing feet away from the admit, to scared to go any further.   
  
"Dr. Carter, nice to have you back." I look at Jerry, forcing a smile upon my lips. Good? I'm not so sure about that. 


	2. Exhausted

Authors Note- So this is chapter two, and Liby wrote this one... I think everyone will be thrown for a moment when they read it. Thanks for the reviews, we really appreciate them!  
  
Disclaimer- Still not ours.  
  
Rating- Um, still G-PG I'd say.  
  
Chapter Two  
  
It seems to be one of those never ending, forever dragging days. I cannot see straight, my head is pounding, and I still have eight more hours to go on my shift. Why did I become a nurse again? I should have listened to my brother and became an accountant or an investment banker. Someone with nine to five hours and weekends off. But no. I had to rebel and now I'm stuck here. I regret divorcing Richard. He makes enough to support a few families. I could have stayed at home and lounged around. Why did I choose this? Or I could have finished medical school and set up a small practice somewhere. Yet I'm a nurse at the most chaotic ER in the Midwest. I drop off another chart and walk toward the doors. The cool wind hits my face and wakes me up a bit. I meet the ambulance and take a patient with Luka. We walk off towards trauma one, but then Chuny takes over for me. I go back to the desk and take the next chart of the day. I see a man standing by the board and walk up to him.   
  
"Excuse me, are you supposed to be back here?" I see him turn around. Short brown hair, much taller than me, and deep brown eyes.   
  
"I work here." I shoot him a questioning look and he looks around, probably searching for a familiar face.   
  
"So do I." Nice job, Abby. State the obvious.   
  
"I'm Carter." I nod my head and hand him a chart.   
  
"And I need a doctor. Come on." I hear his feet hit the floor behind me and I slowly lead him into the suture room.   
  
"This is Mr. Douglas. He has end stage lung cancer." I check the man's stat's and give the new doctor a look. I've never seen him before, or worked with him. I think I've heard stories about him. He used to work here before his wife died. I don't know much. I hand him the chart and he marks the man's condition.  
  
"Let's keep him as comfortable as we can. Is the family on the way?" I nod my head reflexively and he puts the chart onto the bed. He starts towards the door and I follow him.   
  
"I'm Abby, by the way." He acknowledges me with a slight nod of his head and a smile.   
  
"We'll be working together for a while." I roll my eyes.   
  
"Yeah. Unfortunately. Give me a margarita and a beach instead." He laughs a little. I'm serious about that. I need a drink. A strong one. Tonight. I cannot deal with place anymore.   
  
"I can't do that, but how about a coffee?" I didn't even realize when we reached the desk.   
  
"I'll take you up on that offer later. Your buying, by the way." He shakes his head mockingly at me and I roll my eyes. I cross Mr. Douglas's name off the board and look around. The rack is filling up by the second. I watch him pick up another chart and shoot me a look. I look around and no one else is around me besides Jerry. I throw my hands up in defeat in follow him towards the exam room. He passes Susan and she shoots him a smile and a hug.   
  
"Hey, how's it going?" I walk a bit closer to them.  
  
"Good." Susan notices me and starts to smile.   
  
"Yeah, well you are working with the ER's best nurse." I walk past him and grab the chart out of his hands.  
  
"She's a known pathological liar." I walk into the room and start to grab the woman's blood. She is complaining of a headache and fever, but nothing else is working. She looks jaundice as well. I take the tube, label it, and drop it into the bag. I watch him look into her eyes, run some simple diagnostic tests, and then leave her with some comforting words. I follow him outside the room.   
  
"What do you think?" He runs his hand through his hair and sighs.   
  
"Amphetamines." I nod my head and make a note on the chart to keep an eye on her. Over-dose victims can have substantially life-threatening high blood pressure. I put the chart in the tray and follow him. I don't know. I haven't felt this comfortable around someone in years. I know it takes me a while to warm up to someone. I've been through hell and back; I don't know who I can trust and who I can't. I thought Richard was love. What a lie; he was a horrible mistake. I've made a lot of them too. I don't know. I think misery seems to follow me, like it's permanently glued to me. My life is slowly spinning out of control; everything is blurring together. I don't know what I want out of life anymore. I sit down at the desk and look around. I can't see straight anymore. I've been on for twenty-four hours straight without an ounce of sleep. If I wanted those types of hours, I could have finished medical school. He walks in front of me and gives me a funny look.   
  
"Are you okay?"I nod my head and push my bangs out of my eyes.   
  
"I'm taking a break. Find someone else to torture." I slowly trudge to the lounge and take a cup out of the cabinet. I pour myself some of the steaming brown liquid and throw two teaspoons of sugar inside. I collapse against the sofa and Luka walks in. He gives me a sympathetic look and sits down next to me. He places a kiss on my forehead and pulls me closer to him. I don't know if I love him. He's always been there for me. The first guy I've dated in a while. I let my body go limp in his arms and his hand runs up and down my shoulders. I sigh and he kisses me again. He's physically the best thing for me right now. I can't get hurt. I can't be in pain. No emotional ties. Nothing. I feel him ease himself off me and head towards the door.   
  
"I have to get back. Go lie down for a few minutes. We'll be okay." I nod my head and curl my feet up on the couch. I lie my head down on my arm and my pounding head comes back into focus. This is pointless. I roll over to the other side and rub my temples. I'm cursed. I'm permanently cursed. The door opens and I hear Chuny's shrill voice echo through the room. I"m needed. I"m always needed, but for the wrong reasons. This day will never end. I walk towards the ambulance and meet Susan outside.   
  
"You waiting for the MVA?" She nods her head and runs her hands up and down her shoulders trying to stay warm.   
  
"How's he doing?" Does she think I can read her mind or something? God, Susan, get your act together.  
  
"Who?" She looks at me and rolls her eyes.  
  
"Carter." Oh. Him. I nod my head. He seems to be falling into the pattern very nicely, except that it will take him a few days to remember people's names. I dig my hands into my pockets and look around the ambulance bay. The sun was shining a few minutes ago, but when it found out I was coming outside, it ran and hid. That's my theory. I'm sticking to it.   
  
"How long have you known him?" She shrugs her shoulders.  
  
"Since I was a resident. He was my med student for a while. He was such a geek. He had a crush on me." I look at her seductively. She starts to laugh, shaking her head.  
  
"Nothing happened!" I nod my head understandingly.   
  
"Sure... Sure... Sure..." I see him start to walk out and I shoot her a smile. She starts to giggle and I walk towards the ambulance. I take the gurney from the paramedics and listen as they rattle off stats and situation as Susan follows on the other side. Carter follows behind us, simply observing. I pull out a pair of gloves, throw a pair at Susan, and throw a pair at him. He works here too. I follow Susan's orders throughout the diagnosis stage and set the drugs into motion. After about twenty minutes, our patient is stabilized and waiting for Elizabeth to get down and take him up to surgery. I stay behind and note the drugs used and the dosage. I clean up quickly and throw away the used needles. I walk out and almost plough into Carter.  
  
"I'm sorry." He starts to laugh.  
  
"Way too many people." I roll my eyes. Yeah. It's called a hospital sweetie, sick people come here.   
  
"Can I get your help? I have a rape kit to complete."I cringe at the thought of completing a rape kit. It's the worst thing that can possible happen to a person. I know from personal experience. An experience I do not want to repeat either. I nod my head sombrely and mentally prepare myself for what's about to come. Never a boring day. And I still haven't had a good cup of coffee. And it's not even noon yet. Someone please put me out of my suffering. 


	3. That coffee

Authors Note- Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Here is the next chapter.   
  
Disclaimer- Nope, not ours, not yet at least;)  
  
Rating- G- Pg...   
  
Chapter Three  
  
"Hey, I thought you were buying me a cup too." I twirl around to see Abby staring at me feigning seriousness. I release a chuckle, before turning back to the vendor and handing him two dollars. I motion for her to get a cup of coffee, she shrugs ordering her desired cup of coffee. The man hands me the change, and the two of us continue walking back to the hospital. I take a sip of the scalding liquid, wincing as it hits my tongue, well, that will leave a mark. "So... You off?" She asks, obviously trying to make small talk. I'm not one for small talk. I shake my head, another four hours at this dump. She nods her head, smiling a little bit more. "Me neither... I have an hour." I smile again, not really sure of what to say to her.   
  
"Lucky, I'd love to be off in an hour. Home with my kids." My voice dies at the end of the sentence, and she watches as I take another sip of the coffee.   
  
"You have kids?" She asks, now she's intrigued. Not that it bothers me, but around a place like county, curiosity usually leads to questions. Asking about my kids is one thing, but who knows where this conversation will lead. I guess I am just paranoid.  
  
"Two." I answer, "Maddie, and Seb." She smiles, and I continue, they are my favourite subject, so why not indulge myself and talk about them. I will eventually bore her to the point where she will be using County as an excuse to get away from me. "Maddie's Seven, and Seb is Five. This is my first day away from them in a while, so I am a bit-"   
  
"Nervous?" She finishes for me. I nod, a small laugh escapes me, before I figure its time I do the quizzing.   
  
"Do you have kids?" She shakes her head no, a laugh follows that, and she shakes her head more.   
  
"No, no, no, no. Definitely not." Well, she obviously isn't the mothering type.   
  
"Why?" She has me interested now. How someone could not want kids is beyond me. At first they seem like a lot of work, but once, once you spend even five minutes with them, they are perfect. Its like the missing piece to your life, a piece that you didn't know you were missing. They make you complete. Suddenly, everything is different. Your day no longer revolves around you, you live for the sole purpose of nurturing to these little people. Its refreshing, nice, strenuous. You worry, every moment of my day is controlled with thoughts of them. Maybe it will get easier once I am use to this situation a little more. I dive back into reality and listen as Abby lists of reason why children are 'not for her.'  
  
"I am totally unstable..." She finishes with a laugh. "I can barely keep my own life together." I nod, she doesn't seem so bad to me. Of course I don't really know her all that well yet. So she could be, Voo Doo doing, tattoo wearing, pot smoking, nurse. Of course, that is probably way off base. But one never knows.   
  
"Well, your priorities change... Completely when you have kids, I will tell you that much." I say stopping at the ambulance bay. She nods, touching my arm lightly.   
  
"Well, I have to go. Works calling my name... You getting the trauma?" I nod, and watch as she makes her way into the hospital, tending to a drunk that is wandering aimlessly in the waiting area. Susan walks by her, joining me outside for the next trauma.   
  
"I see you and Abby are getting along." She says with a coy smile. I shake my head no, waggling my finger at her, for added effect.   
  
"Susan-" I say in a warning tone.  
  
"What?" She throws her hands up in innocence.   
  
"Don't try and-"  
  
"Oh, John." She says swatting my arm. "Don't worry, I'm not going to hook you up with Abby." I give her a questioning look, well this is definitely a first for her. "She has a boyfriend." Oh, well, this is good. "I am just- I am glad to see you interacting with someone other then me, or your kids, or that picture you have of Becky." She says gloomily, "I want the best for you." Her voice gets a little happier as she continues. "And Abby's great. A little depressing and self deprecating at times. But great. Besides that, she might even be out of your league." She whispers, with a laugh.  
  
"Out of my league? PUH- LEASE!" I wave my hand at her, "I am John Carter, eligible bachelor."   
  
"Bachelor is true, I'm not so sure about eligible." She snorts. Thanks Susan, way to boost my ego. She laughs, tugging at my arm, as we make our way over to the rig, that has just pulled up. I grab onto the side of the gurney, helping the medics to push into the trauma room, listening as the bullet is given to me.   
  
~*~  
  
I shove my gown into the trash. Three hours. We saved her at least, that's all I can hope for. It reinforced my reasons for wanting to be a doctor, after all these years thinking I was in a hopeless career. Trauma's like that way, make me realise that, maybe, just maybe, we are doing some good in there. Even though, lately I have wanted to quit, and find another job. I walk over to admit, thankful, and proud. I flip through a few charts, my eyes meet Franks.   
  
"Hey widower, your kids are here." My heart stops for a moment, all the emotions that have previously invaded my body are gone, now hate, anger and pain replace them.   
  
"Shut the hell up Frank." Abby, quips. "Don't worry about him." She assures me, I nod my head, looking over the charts once again. "You said you had kids right?" I shake my head yes. "Well, someone brought two kids in about an hour ago, left them in the lounge." I run into the lounge, barley letting her complete her sentence. There sits Maddie and Seb.  
  
"Hey guys." I sit in between them, Maddie weasels her way onto my lap.   
  
"Hi dad." Her head rests against my shoulder. "Darlene left us. She said she had to go home, or something. You were busy working, so we just came in here." I nod kissing her forehead. Darlene, my nanny, hardly a good one I guess. I can't believe she did this the first day on the job. There must be some sort of reasonable explanation. Probably not though. Darlene was more like a babysitter, nineteen, and carefree. I should think twice about who I hire next time, although she was the only one who was willing to work those hours.   
  
"Well, kids, I still have to work." I sigh, leaning back. Sebastian stifles a groan, and leans his head against the couch.   
  
"I hate it here." He moans.   
  
"Carter- Your babysitter flaked out on you?"   
  
"Yeah, I guess she wasn't the best choice, huh?" Susan flashes me a sympathetic smile, then opens her locker.   
  
"I can take them with me, and you can swing by my place on your way home, pick them up?"   
  
"YEAH!" Sebastian and Madison chime in, well, it would be better then having them sit here for hours. I smile at her.  
  
"You're a life saver, Susan" I kiss my children, before heading out of the lounge.   
  
"You owe me." I hear Susan call after me. I walk out to the admit, Abby brushes by me into the lounge, she must of had to work overtime.   
  
I am still working, three hours later. The stack of charts seems to grow by the second, I did not miss this aspect of the job. Good thing I have Susan, my trusted friend, to look after the kids tonight. I am not so sure having a career and kids is going to work, now. I thought it could, now its looking bleak. Especially, since my babysitter bailed the first day on the job, three hours into it. I sigh exasperated.   
  
"Oh Sorry-" I look up to see a short, curly blond nurse, popping her head into the exam room, I am currently occupying. Her smile is tight and tired.   
  
"Its okay, I am just finishing up on charts." I explain, she slowly walks into the room. I watch as she takes a seat across from me on the gurney, her feet swinging off the side of the bed. She watches as I jot a few things down on the chart. She makes no attempt to talk to me, for a while. For some reason I feel nervous, I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure I like the feeling.   
  
"So, you're the new attending?" I look up at her.  
  
"Yeah, Carter- John." I smile, she smiles back, her smile widening by the second, causing a flutter in my heart.... What the hell is this??? Not love. No. Definitely, not. I haven't experienced that in years. It could be admiration, or adoration. Its nothing though. She continues to watch me.  
  
"I'm Sam... Sam Taggart." We sit together for a while, in a dark, tense silence, whether this is a good or bad thing, well, I guess only time will tell. 


	4. The cynic meets the believer

Authors Note- Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, I'm going to start responding to them, I just wanted to get further into the fic, before doing so. So you can look for those at hte bottom of each chapter. Any other news... Nope.  
  
Disclaimer- Not ours... anything you think you've heard/seen somewhere else, you probably has, which means it is not ours.   
  
Rating- I'm going to bump this up to PG now... for safety reasons.   
  
Summary- In case you fell asleep during my chapter, Carter and Abby had coffee, Carter talked about his kids, Abby said she wouldn't have kids. Carter's babysitter dumped him... so to speak, and Sam and Carter had a brief moment. Missing anything? I don't know, you can go read the last chapter.  
  
Chapter Four  
  
My feet hit the cement floor with a grinding thump. I didn't get much sleep last night. I couldn't sleep. I got a phone call from my mother last night; she didn't sound all that wonderful. Luka told me to ignore it, but its hard. I can't just ignore my mother. As much as I hate her for everything she put me through, she's still family. I haven't heard from Eric in the longest either but I believe him to be a little more stable. He knows what staying off his meds can do to the people he loves. I doubt that he will purposely try to destroy me. I swirl my coffee around in the paper cup and take a sip. It doesn't have any flavour nor any effect on me. I hold it just to have something to keep my hands from jerking in awkward movements. I look up and see a familiar face. That new doctor. Well not exactly, "new" but new to me. I force a small smile and we meet halfway on the path to the ambulance bay. He seems to be coming from the L; I took a nice long walk.   
  
"Hey." I look up at him and try to force myself to think positively. It can't be done.   
  
"Hi." We walk in a unified step towards the sliding glass doors. I throw my almost full cup of coffee in the trash can and instantly regret doing so. My hands run through my hair every few seconds, annoyed by the thin strands that seem to almost purposely fall back into my eyes to annoy me.   
  
"Are you okay?" I shrug my shoulders. What does he care? I mean he's only known me for what? A few hours? I mean nothing to him; I'd never be good enough to be even considered a friend.   
  
"Yeah. Tired." I force a smile and push the door open into the lounge. I walk to my locker and quickly turn my combination in. It doesn't open. I align the zero's, and try again. Nothing. I can feel the tears swelling in my eyes, but I refuse to cry. No. I can deal with this. It's just a stupid locker. I open Luka's and throw my stuff inside. He never locks his anyway. He won't care. Come on Abby, you've got to pull yourself together. I lean against the cold metal of the door and take a deep breathe. I can run my shift on autopilot. The one thing I am actually good at is saving people. When your in that trauma room, it's like your flying. Nothing else matters but the room, the patient, and doing your part to save them. It's a natural high, a euphoria. It's the only place where I feel needed and secure. I know what I'm doing. I can't screw up. The one and only time I have power over what happens. The rest of the time my life is spinning endlessly out of control and there is nothing there to stop me. I'm falling into a black hole that has no end.   
  
I pull the nurse schedules off the counter and begin to organize them. Nurse manager wasn't a position I had an option of taking; it was forced onto me. I try looking down at the numbers, but they seem to blur together. I can't concentrate. I just want to go home. I lean back and start to fill in the chart. The door swings open and Luka walks in. He gives me a strange look and I pretend to concentrate on the paperwork in front of me.   
  
"You weren't there when I woke up." I flip through some papers and pick my pen back up. I can act really well when I want to.   
  
"I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk." He nods his head, acknowledging my answer. Of course I don't believe he believes me. I wish I could find someone that would understand me without words. Luka's always here for me; he just doesn't understand why half the time. I don't tell him what I'm feeling. That would be letting him get to know the true me. Then he would leave and I would be alone again.   
  
"Abby." I look up at him and meet his gaze. He has a concerned look etched on his face.   
  
"I'm fine. Really." He slightly shakes his head but turns around and walks away. I can't deal with staying in this building. My shift doesn't start until 12. I came in to finish compiling schedules; that doesn't mean that I have to stay here. I take the stack and head towards the door. I'm going to Doc Magoo's. I'll get a fresh cup of coffee and some peace and quiet. I practically run towards the diner and when in, I find a booth in the deepest, darkest corner. It suits me. I order a cup of coffee and start back on my scheduling. The place is pretty empty, besides a few old men at the counter. I squint my eyes, trying to make everything focus.   
  
I look up and see a body walking towards me. He hands me a cup of coffee and I take it. I nod my head towards the empty seat across from me and he sits down. I push the never-ending pile of papers from in front of me.   
  
"On break already?" He gives me a little grin.   
  
"I snuck out." I nod my head and play with my cup. I push my hair behind my ears and reach for a spoon. I put two spoons in and stir gently. I watch him do the same. I take a gentle sip of mine and place it back down. I don't know why I ordered coffee. It probably came by reflex. I look up at him from the corner of my eyes and I can see the forlorn expression on his face.   
  
"I sometimes wonder why we do this everyday." I shrug my shoulders. I think the same thing sometimes too. We have so many medical advances: machinery, equipment, computers. Yet we still can't save everyone that comes through those doors. Families are torn apart in front of our eyes on a daily basis and we can't do anything to stop it.   
  
"We do it because we have hope that not every day will be a bad one." He takes his spoon and begins to twirl it around in his cup. The metal clinks against the glass and gives the room a slow and unheard symphony.   
  
"I used to spend a lot of time here. Between work and Rebecca it seemed like I never left the grounds. This used to be my favourite spot."I can hear the sombre tone in his voice. Those never-healing wounds that never seem to heal. They follow you everywhere you go; a burden that you can never loose. I lean back into my seat and pull my cup closer to me. My hands trace the patters of the mug. The hair is heavy with the smell of cigarette smoke and greasy food. I look out towards the hospital and watch an ambulance pull up.   
  
"Sometimes I think I should have become an accountant or something." He matches my gaze and I can feel this unnatural chill run through my body.  
  
"That's always an option." I roll my eyes; anything to break away from him.  
  
"Yeah, if I could balance a check book..." He takes another gulp of his coffee and then places the empty cup on the edge of the table.   
  
"You learn to take a single step each day, hoping each day will get better. It never does."  
  
He took the words straight out of my mind, out of my mouth, out of me. I watch him get up and walk out the door, never looking back. No one has ever been able to do that. To understand me. I'm only poor miserable Abby with the messed up family. I fashioned myself to be callous to the outside world. I can't let anyone see who I really am, or rather, who I'm really not. I think he just broke through the surface in under a second. It scares the hell out of me.   
  
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	5. Late night fears, Midday tears

Authors Note- Just a thanks to everyone who reviewed. There is also a preview of the next chapter up... its at the bottom of the page.   
  
Disclaimer- Not ours.  
  
Rating- Today its going to PG 13, tomorrow could be R  
  
Summary- Carter and Abby connected.  
  
Chapter Five  
  
I trudge up the steps to my house. The lights are all off, telling me that the kids are asleep. Thank God. Not that I am a big advocate of him, anymore. Ever since Becky died, Rebecca, my world, I haven't exactly been down on my knees, praying to the man above. The cement steps echo beneath my worn out feet. On a night like tonight, Rebecca would have a peaceful romantic even all planned out. The bathroom would be bathed in candles, the tub, filled to the rim, with warm water, bubbles smothering the surface, rose peddles strewn upon the floor. We would spend hours, sitting, laughing. Never will I find someone who I have a connection like that. I can still taste her on my lips, feel her skin on mine. Everything is so vivid, yet so vague. Blurred, her last few moments, don't stick out. Sometimes...  
  
"Dr. Carter." I look up, my new nanny, a responsible one this time, is watching over me. I smile at her, a tight one. Another interrupted memory, reminding me that all that was, was a memory, short lived, but can make the day seem that much more worth while.  
  
"Jenny." She smiles at me, a guilty smile. Oh no, did something happen. "Is everything okay?" I ask, my voice full of panic and distress.   
  
"Yes." She says firmly, "I just have to go. Its getting late, and I have an exam tomorrow." Ah, the joys of hiring students.   
  
"Oh." I pause, watching as she rushes out the door, and into her car. "See yah tomorrow." She smiles and waves at me. I heave a deep sigh, another day, another dollar. Not that it matters, to me at least. The house is dimly lit, I flip the foyer lights on, it bounces off of a few pictures, one in particular drawing my attention. Becky and I, at the annual Carter family picnic. I hated them. But you suffered the wrath of Gamma, if you were to not go, so I went, the diligent Grandson I am.   
  
"Dad?" I look up at the tiny voice that is calling me. The owner, my son. His brown hair, matted down on top of his head. He stumbles down the stairs, tears flooding down his cheeks. I pull him into my arms, letting him rest his head upon my shoulder. I knew the minute I saw him, what had happened. He had that dream again. His head finds its usual crook in my neck.   
  
"Hey, its okay now, I'm here." His sobs slowly subside, soft sniffles replacing them. I run my hand along his back, the perspiration can be felt through his Spider Man pyjamas. His breathing returns to normal, I walk us over to the couch, taking a seat on my usual cushion. "You want to talk about it?" He shakes his head no, just like he does every time I ask that question. "You know, you can tell me about Seb-" He lifts his head up, our eyes meeting.   
  
"Do you have to work tomorrow?" I nod, he throws his head into my shoulder again, the tears continue to pour down his cheeks. "Hey, hey, but I'm home all weekend." This doesn't seem to soothe him, it would if he knew, that getting the weekends off is a rarity at County. It might also soothe him if he knew what the hell rarity meant.   
  
"I don't care." He sniffles. "I don't like having a babysitter." I pull him off my shoulder, the leach that was sucking my blood, is now placed beside me. I take my jacket off and let him curl into my lap.   
  
"Gamma's going to come visit tomorrow, for dinner." He looks at me, he proceeds to wipe his nose on my suit, thanks pal. I'll cherish that snot forever.   
  
"Doesn't Gamma only eat rich food?" I laugh, he looks at me quizzically, then realises he said something remotely funny, and bursts into laughter as well.   
  
"Come on, lets get you to bed."   
  
~*~  
  
"No! Luka, you don't get it. You can't... You can't just expect me to give up everything..." I come to an abrupt halt outside the lounge doors. The sound of Abby's angry voice startles me. I know she's fighting with Luka, but at work? I know already Kerry's not going to like this.   
  
"Don't worry about them," I turn my head to the side, Sam lurks near the door. She smiles at me, I return her smile. "They are fighting a lot lately." She says with a sigh. "Its annoying, I am just waiting for them to break up." I nod, I am not much for encouraging relationships to end, but what the hell kind of relationship is this? Abby, never really seemed happy to be. Self deprecating, to use Susan's word, is a better way to describe Abby. I don't think she needs a boyfriend either, but who I am I to judge. I don't even know what the hell I want anymore, how I am suppose to know what other people want.   
  
"You can get in on the pool..." I look over my shoulder, sure enough Frank has started a bet, doesn't surprise me. Not one bit. Suddenly, the lounge door is thrown open, Luka walks out in a huff, avoiding the many wondering eyes, that fall upon him. I push in after him. Finding a tousled Abby sitting on the couch. Her elbows resting on her knees, her head resting in her hands, as her hair falls around her. I creep over to my locker, not knowing her well enough to disturb her, and invade her personal life. She will probably just jump down my throat, and I don't need that. I quickly turn my lock, and open my locker, finding it decorated with pictures of my children. I smile thinking about them, my eyes wander to the other picture. Becky, Rebecca, my baby.   
  
"Hey Child-" I turn around, quickly stopping Susan from finishing her sentence. She looks at me questioningly, I point at Abby, who has yet to move. Her mouth forms an "O" and she looks at me once again. I shrug, not knowing much about what happened, to give Susan the info, her desired amount of gossip. Although, I do believe Susan and Abby are close, and Susan genuinely cares about her. "Abby-" She starts sweetly, walking over to the couch. I quickly finish gathering my belongings, figuring this is probably not the best place for me.   
  
"I don't want to talk Susan." I look over at her, she stands up, walking over to the table, that is covered with things. A woman's things. I recall yesterday, Abby putting her things in Luka's locker, unable to open her own. My gut turns, realising that Abby might be in some real pain. Susan tries to comfort her, but she wants none of it. "Look, I have a shift to work. Can you just, just leave me alone." Susan agrees, obviously hurt, she does her best hide it. But I can read her like a book, and see her real pain etched across her face. Susan leaves, I remain in the room, still having things to do in the lounge. The tension seems to have lessened since Susan's arrival. I watch, form the coffee machine, as Abby struggles with her lock. I hear her bang around in frustration. I walk over to her, placing my hands on her shoulders, she immediately freezes from my touch, I hold onto her for a second. Then move her to the side, as I grab her lock.   
  
"What's the combination?" She rests her head against the locker, her face red from the arguing, tears threatening to fall. She sniffles, I can tell she needs a moment for composing herself. I give her that, I have been a position like this many times. Where you just feel like the world is out to get you, and you need a friendly face to go too. Rebecca use to be mine. I push her out of my mind, and focus solely on Abby, the object of my attention, right now.  
  
"0-56-9" I expertly flick the arrow around the heavy metal lock, tugging on it, it pops open in my hands. She sighs, a sigh of relief. I take the lock out, holding it in my hand as she rifles through her locker, gathering the things she needs for the day, and placing the things she does not need, back inside. "Thanks, Carter." I nod, handing her the lock. "Now, you'll be here when my shifts over... To help me get it out?" She asks, at first I think she is joking around. Once I get a glance a the look on her face, I realise that there is a hidden meaning in that statement. I am not sure what it is, yet, but I guess I will meet her after her shift to find out the answer to my question.  
  
"Yeah, of course. Six?" She nods, wiping her unshed tears, the tears dampen her fingers, I watch as she fidgets uncomfortable with the ring on her finger.   
  
"Yeah. Six." I nod, leaving, not wanting to ruin the moment we have created. The ER is buzzing with people, I can tell this is going to be one hell of a shift. The ending might be better then the beginning though, for both of us. I like Abby, not in the way Susan, probably wants. But I feel a connection to her, something's there.   
  
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~Preview~  
  
I place gentle kisses along his stomach and chest, leading up to his lips. My hands run through his dark brown hair, his hands are tracing my body. I can feel the weight of the day disappearing from me. He flips me around, getting on top of me. All the power I had just slipped through my fingers; 


	6. Breaking Down

Chapter Six  
  
I place gentle kisses along his stomach and chest, leading up to his lips. My hands run through his dark brown hair, his hands are tracing my body. I can feel the weight of the day disappearing from me. He flips me around, getting on top of me. All the power I had just slipped through my fingers; I'm a vulnerable child again. The weight of his body pins me to the soft bed in the darkened room. His mouth teases my nipple; nibbling and biting. I want to feel physical pain to make the mental pain go away. His tongue traces rough kisses down my thighs before he parts them. I have no control over what he does to me. I let him do whatever he wants. He deserves it; he put up with me. I arch my back in await for the penetrating pain that will slowly happen. I feel him begin to slip into me and gain a steady rhythm. I copy his movements; no emotion on my part is put on. It's a routine I've grown to love. It takes me away from my thoughts for a minute; I'm thankful for the times I'm lost in the subconscious. He forces me and pushes me; kisses me and caresses me; he manipulates me into someone I'm not. He has a vision in his mind of who I am. I hear his breathing increase; his heart is pounding against my sore breasts. I can feel it. I can feel him hurting me. And he stops. He gives me one last kiss and climbs off me, pulling me into his warm arms. His finger play with my nipples, his lips shedding kisses along my shoulders. I'm his wife in his mind. I catch him thinking about her at times; he pulls out pictures. His children look so much like a perfect mix of the two of them. I turns towards him, running my finger along his face.   
  
"Don't go."  
  
He pulls me closer to him, another kiss on my forehead.   
  
"I have to. Their waiting for me."  
  
He can't leave me. I don't know how I'll get on without him. He's my one source of comfort through the storm that is my life. He's going to go. He wants nothing to do with me anymore. This is his way out. I should have known from the beginning.   
  
"They'll be fine without you. They are being taken-care of..."  
  
My arms are wrapped completely around his body. I'm suddenly freezing cold and his body is only a block of ice pushing me farther and farther away.   
  
"People are dying..."  
  
I squint back tears. Why is he doing this to me? Is this supposed to be some form of torture?  
  
"You could die."  
  
I feel him shrug his shoulders slightly. I know he doesn't care. He's lost everything he's ever wanted to live for: his wife, his children, his life. He has no reason to want to come back and torture himself any longer. I will never fill those empty spots he has. I'm not worthy of doing such a miraculous thing. If I had only allowed myself to love him more maybe he would stay. Regrets drown me in their daily downpours.   
  
"I'm only going for 3 months..."  
  
No it won't. If I'll be up in the middle of the night wondering if he is still alive. The Congo is a war zone. Millions of people have lost their lives there; he would be made one of them. He would be thrown into a pile of dead bodies and burned. No one would now. I would suffer myself. He's become a part of me whether or not I choose to acknowledge it. I take a deep breathe; my mouth speaks words my mind had thrown aside days before.   
  
"I'm not going to be here waiting for you."  
  
I push myself out of his secure arms into the bitter cold of the apartment. I search for anything to cover my shivering body. I can't see in the dim light. I can feel his eyes burning through me.   
  
"Abby..."  
  
I finally find my clothes that had been tactfully discarded at the edge of the bedroom. I quickly pull on my underwear and pants before he can reach me. I need to get out of here; away from him. I feel his touch on my arm. He pulls me closer to him. My breasts are against his chest, my cheek rests upon his shoulder. I turn around and start to put on my bra. My shift comes over my head and he's still on my heels.   
  
"I just..."  
  
I turn around, I can see his brown pools in the light from the street.   
  
"You just wanted to turn me into something I'm not. You just wanted to fix me or to save me... You just felt sorry for me... I don't care anymore."  
  
I take my purse from the table by the door. He makes no effort to follow me. I slam the door loudly and jet down the stairs. I have no place to go; no intentions in mind. I start a slow walk down the yellow brick road. I don't know where I"m headed neither do I want to think about it. The night is cold and windy, a storm is sure to set in before morning. I wrap my arms closer around myself. I only have a thin sweater on; it was the only thing I could grab before I ran out of our apartment. I keep on walking. I pass blocks and houses, parks and shops. I wish I knew where my life was headed. I wish I knew where I was headed in general. I finally realize where I am. How close I am yet so stubborn and oblivious to the fact. I walk up the stairs to the dark brick building and open the door. The steps are covered in a horrid-color carpet yet are of some consolation to me. I knock on the door gentle and wait. What am I doing here? Everyone's probably asleep. I start to turn around and the door opens. I meet gazes with the blonde woman standing in front of me and she instantly understands. She pulls me into her arms and I can finally let go.   
  
I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I refuse to cry. I let out a small sigh and the tears begin to pool up again. Her hands run up and down my back and I've found a permanent fixture on her shoulder for support.   
  
"Susan?"  
  
I hear another voice echo from across the room. It sounds so familiar. I look up and see Carter standing there. His expression instantly changes; he walks up closer to make sure it's the Abby he knows breaking down in front of him. I'm passed away from Susan to his arms. I feel light on my feet, then I realize he's carrying me towards the sofa. I can't bring myself to look at him. I don't know what it is; he's got some type of power over me that I can't explain. I feel him place my body on the sofa and slowly walk away. I hear their two voices in the kitchen but they die out after a few second. I see a cup being set in front of me; the scent tells me its some type of herbal tea. Susan makes her way near me and places my head into her lap. I curl up, finally feeling secure. I close my eyes and the tears finally float down my cheeks. She wipes them away. I hear her whisper goodnight to an area near the door and I look there. He's clad in a coat with his son and daughter on both arms. They are asleep and he's doing his best to manoeuvre his way out the door. I feel a tight feeling in my stomach. Months of denial and guilt came flooding back to me. I can't handle this all tonight. I finally hear the door shut and a warm blanket is thrown over my body. She places a pillow under my head but I know I'm not going to get any sleep. She turns the light off and I open my eyes. I stare out the open window towards the darkness in the world outside.   
  
There is no hope in this world. I'm lost. I will always be a burden to whoever knows me. I don't deserve to be loved or cared for. I don't deserve the friendship or companionship of anyone. I deserve to be forever alone so I cannot impart my misery onto anyone else.   
  
I hear a knocking at the door and my mind stops wandering. I push the blankets away and walk towards it. Susan's light is off, she's probably asleep. I open the door, trying to at least look half alive, which is more than what I am feeling right now. I open the door and it's Carter. I look down at the floor, around the walls, at the door, anything to avoid his eyes.   
  
"I left my daughter's stuffed bear on the sofa. She won't sleep without it."  
  
I nod my head lightly and head back to the living room. I half expected him to follow me, but he doesn't. I find the bear sitting on a chair by the coffee table. I take it into my arms and walk back to the door. I hand him the bear and he looks away towards the stairs.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
I nod my head and begin to turn around.   
  
"Abby?"  
  
I look at him for a second after my name rolls off his tongue. I shrug my shoulders and wait for him to say something. He starts to open his mouth to say something else, but decides against it. I look away and he starts the journey towards the stairs. He holds the bear in his hands and I watch him walk away. I shut the door and lock it. I lean against it and I can feel all the pain sending me down to the floor. I curl up and place my head on my knees. I wish I wasn't alive. 


	7. Meaning it

Rating- PG 13 (swear words... are peppered through out though, so if you don't like that sort of thing, don't go further then this)  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
My fingers run along the worn out material of the bear, choices swarming my thoughts. I finger the tag, the writing blurred together. The blackness of the outdoors engulfing me, hovering above me, the sadness in her voice wills me back. I turn on my heels, knowing that it is probably not the best thing for me right now. She appears so strong, obviously it is just a facade, and act she puts on for the world to see. Susan seems to have pulled of some of the mask, but so much is still there. I see it in her eyes, I hear it in her voice. The way a small laugh, is really replacing the tears that threaten to fall, the ones that hang onto each eye lash for dear life, every night, as she empties her heart into her pillow. I don't know what is bothering her, I doubt she will tell me, but asking can't hurt. My knuckles rap against the door, I can hear her gasping, not expecting a visitor, well another, visitor. The door opens with a creak. Her shadow presents its self at the door once more. Her eyes lock on mine.   
  
"Abby..." I start, not sure where I am going with this, she looks lost, totally and completely lost. I reach a thumb out, brushing away a fallen tear. She rests her head against my hand. I pull her into my arms, her head immediately finds a crevasse in my neck. Snuggling up against me, soft tear drops land upon my shoulder. I realise, that she doesn't need words. Of all the people in the world, I should know that words don't help when you feel like shit. When the world has collapsed around you, and those measly Popsicle stick supports, people offer aren't doing anything, you just need to let it all out. I can't fix her, hell, I can't even fix myself, but I can be there for her. She pulls away from me, her hands still clutching my biceps, our eyes meet once again. The darkness prevents us from seeing one another clearly, but for some reason, that's okay. I don't need to see her to know exactly what she is thinking and feeling. I feel her breath upon my skin, moving closer and closer to me. Our lips are mere centimetres apart, she's so close I can taste her, her hand slowly massages my arm, sending shivers down my spine, her other hand finds my neck, playing with the hair on the nape of my neck. Causing every other hair to stand up on end. Her tongue slides across her lips, she pulls me closer to her, just as our lips graze one another I pull away, realising exactly what I have done. She looks at me, hurt and taken aback, by my actions.   
  
"Abby-" I try, she shakes her head, emitting a bitter laugh, tear drops falling down her cheeks, she wipes them away as quickly as they come.   
  
"No... Its okay, I mean... Its fine John... I-I have to- I'm gonna go." With that the door is slammed in my face, and I am left wondering what the hell happened. I stare for a few moments, until I remember my kids are in the car, my heart jumps into my throat. I quickly swivel around, hoping to god neither of them witnessed that. Seb's head is pressed against the window, eyes closed, Madison's leg is resting on his head. Thank god they are still asleep.   
  
~*~  
  
"There's this Nurse-"   
  
"Okay, I think I've heard enough already, Susan." I say, shoving another Chicken wing into my mouth. She shakes her head, holding her finger up, trying to convince me to let her continue. I sigh, rolling my eyes. She swallows her chicken, maybe she'll swallow a bone? Well, one can hope.   
  
"No. She's not in the ER, so you won't have to worry about the whole, 'work and personal life' hoo-haw. She's an old friend from ICU, she's nice, cute-" She elbows me, a smile spreading across her lips.  
  
"I'm sure she's great, but..." She sighs, tossing the skinned bone into the 'bone bowl.' Its stacked up to the rim, with chicken bones, its a fairly deep bowl too. I wonder how many chickens we ate. She smacks me in the head, interrupting my chicken musings. "Owe, hey what was that for?"   
  
"John, she's not great, she's terrific. And you're not a nice guy, you're a moron. Of course I won't tell her that when I tell her about you." I shake my head, Susan's a great friend, but I don't know, dating? "Look, I know Becky, knew Becky." She corrects herself, her voice suddenly getting very serious. "She loved you very much, she loved Maddie and Sebby, very, very much. But she'd want you all to move on with your lives. Not forget her, but not forget to live, because of her." I nod, she's right. Maybe I should move on.   
  
"Okay." A huge grin crosses Susan, and she's pulling me into a hug, that I can't fight my way out of. I forget to mention one little detail, that I kissed her vulnerable, aching, depressed, best friend last night. Whom I thought, would become a close friend of mine. But now I'm not so sure she wants to speak to me again. Oh well, only minor details, well for now at least. Susan releases me as Maddie shuffles into the kitchen, her hands in her pockets, she's up to something.   
  
"Hey, Daddy." She props herself onto my lap. Her hand drapes around my neck, a kiss is planted on my cheek. Oh, here it comes. "Can I have more cake?" Susan laughs loudly, and Maddie, shoots her a dirty look.   
  
"No." I say picking up my beer, and having a sip. She rests her head on my shoulder, pouting once again. I roll my eyes, refusing to look at her. "Madison get out of here." She sighs, and hops off of my lap, running back to watch the movie. "That's a no for Sebastian too." I holler at her. Susan watches me again, she seems thrilled that I am actually going through with this. Not that I haven't before, but this time she's not going to have to drag me kicking and screaming, by my hair, to the restaurant. "What?" I ask her after a long pause.  
  
"I'm so happy, that you're going to do this." I sigh, yeah I'm sure she is. She won't be when she finds out what happened last night, I'm sure it won't be hard too. Either Abby will tell her, or the tension will be palpable when we are together. I run my fingers through my hair, trying to avoid thinking about it. I'm not even sure what came over me when I did it, or we did it. It's not really clear who initiated the kiss. But I am definitely not the type of guy to kiss another guys girlfriend. I was shocked by my own actions, but at that moment, I was drawn to her. Which I mentally slap myself for. Being drawn to a women is one thing, but being drawn to a women in that mental state, well, its not right. Its going to just cause more confusion for her, not to mention me. A week and a half ago, I didn't want or need women in my life, besides Susan and Maddie, and Gamma, but... Now its seems they are encompassing my every thought. Susan sighs looking at the clock.   
  
"What?" I ask looking at her.  
  
"I told Chuck I'd meet him, at nine." She runs her fingers through her hair, Chuck? Oh yeah, Chuck. She has mentioned him a lot lately. I had just assumed they were over with, I guess I was wrong, although she doesn't look too thrilled to have to see him. I wonder what is going on with that.   
  
"So?" She sighs, rolling her eyes, acting as though I am completely clueless.   
  
"So? SO? It's just... before I met Chuck, everything was so simple." Yeah well, before I met Abby everything was so simple, now between me, Luka, Abby and this new women, we have one hell of a 'love rhombus' going on. Thanks a lot Susan, you made me go back to work. Confusion is hell, yet it seems to be making my life all the more interesting. I run my fingers through my hair.   
  
"Complicated can be good." I assure her, she gives me a who-the-hell-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-Carter look. I shrug at her, taking our plates over to the sink.   
  
"Complicated, says the guy, who just a second ago was fighting me tooth and nail, on going out on a date." Okay, well, I've had time to think, and now she's right. Dating is not so bad, well, dating is hell, but the after part is pretty good. So what? No one will match up to Rebecca, but I don't want to go through life having my children think of me as a pathetic old man who can't get a date. Although, they might think that either way, I don't want to encourage it. Chuck, sort of, he completes Susan, and despite what she says I know she really loves him. How complicated is that? Now trying being in a love rhombus. Not so fun. Although it's interesting. Maybe because my life has been so bland for the last few years, I am welcoming this love rhombus idea with open arms, when in fact it could be deadly. "Well, I'm off." She plants a kiss on my cheek, then goes into the living room to say good bye too Maddie and Seb. I roll my eyes, leaning back in my chair. For some reason, Abby is the only thing I can focus on right now. I'm worried about her, I hope she is okay, calling her is always an option...  
  
~Review Responses~ 


	8. Connection

Authors Note- Welcome, well, hello. Another update for today... Hope you enjoym thanks for all the reviews, we appreciate them... Oh the responses are in this chapter... So for the lack of them lately, I haven't had the time... But I will try to do them at least every other chapter if not every chapter.  
  
Disclaimer- Not ours... None of it... You know it, you've seen it somewhere else, means we don't own it.  
  
Rating- Umm we'll say PG 13 for this.  
  
Chapter Eight  
  
I look up at the ticking clock on Susan's wall. She's off at work and I'm staying here until he leaves. Then I'm going to find a new place as soon as I possible can. I don't know why I agreed to move in with him. Money was tight on my side; I needed to get away from Brian. Everything seemed okay at the time but now I realize it was an extremely bad move. Every second that ticks by it gets closer to Luka's lift off. He's really leaving. He hadn't even tried calling. I take the ring off my finger. It had been a simple gift from him for no apparent reason. I twirl it around my finger and then summon all my energy and fling it across the room. I never want to see it again. The tears I had been holding in all night finally fall now. I let them. No one is around, no one will see me. I wipe them away and run my hands through my newly washed hair. I sit at the table with a cup of tea and nothing better to do but wonder what could have been. What could have been if I was never born. Eric would have been an only child and would have learned to fend for himself. Richard wouldn't have made a huge mistake in marrying me. I wouldn't have killed my defenceless child. I wouldn't have broken Luka's heart completely. The world would have been a safer and more happy place. I hear a rapping at the door and I shuffle over to it. I unlock the chains and open it. This reminds me of a dream I had last night where he came back for his daughter's teddy bear and we mistakenly kissed. It wasn't such a bad dream. Too bad it would never happen in real life. I give him a forced smile and run my hands over my red eyes and cheeks. He looks uncomfortable and gives me an awkward grin.   
  
"I was worried about you." I look down at the floor and play with the metal chains.   
  
"I'm fine. Really. I just had a bad night..." I glance at him quickly but he seems unmoved.   
  
"Do you wanna take a walk? It's really nice outside." I really don't think it would be a good idea. I'm just so tired and out of it today. I can't deal with everything at once; especially a friendship with a total stranger. I start to shake my head but he gives me a pleading look.   
  
"I just... I don't know." I look back at the clock. It seems to engulf my every thought right now. I feel like if I could just take the battery out of the white clock in Susan's kitchen I could stop time complete. Then I could stop him from leaving. I know that it's impossible. I look back at him and he's digging his hands into his pockets.   
  
"You need to get out sometime." I shrug my shoulders and reluctantly nod my head. I put on my shoes and grab a sweater of Susan's from her closet. I doubt she will mind. I pull on the sweater and practically have to force myself out the door. I'd rather curl up in a dark corner of the world, where the sun doesn't shine for months. Darkness seems to suit me better than the defying sunlight that is present outside right now. We walk a few blocks in silence; I doubt I have ever heard the streets of Chicago this silent before. It's almost creepy. We reach Lincoln Park and descend down the stairs towards the shore. We walk on the path. The cold wind nips at my face and I pull my arms closer around myself. Our hair is flying in every which way but I doubt it bothers either one of us. We finally reach an empty bench and sit down. The water is a tinted shade of grey and green. The more you look out, the bluer it gets. He stands and picks up a rock from the side somewhere. He throws it into the water with a satisfying plump. He finds two more and hands me one. I roll my eyes at him. I'm not three and skipping stones does not impress me. I throw the rock into the water and he sits back down.   
  
"I'm sorry." I look out towards the Pier and the boats by the dock. I can't look at him. Why do I feel guilty of something. I've barely known him for three days and I've never done anything to him.   
  
"For?" He gives me an strange look and concentrates on the water in front of us.   
  
"Last night. I didn't mean for it to happen the way it did." I squint my eyes from the sun. I wasn't dreaming. It really happened. I almost can't believe it.  
  
"You didn't mean for it to happen at all." Out of the corner of my eye I can see him look at me. I don't know. My heart is suddenly lost in an endless pit of quicksand and I'm sinking deeper and deeper. There is no way out. No hope at all. He stays quiet.   
  
"You don't want me. Run away, Carter... Run as fast as you can." My voice comes out almost unheard. The wind seems to whip it to another planet. Yet I have the satisfaction that he heard me. I give up on trying to feel love. I want a heart of stone where no one can hurt me. I want to be heartless and cold. I want to be able to fall in love and never feel the pain.   
  
I curl my knee up to my chin and rest my head on it. I'm freezing right now, but I'll just sit here and weather away. I have a shift tonight that I'm not so sure I can handle. I have a mother that has probably gone off her meds again, I have a brother whom I love more than life itself, and an ex boyfriend who will be fighting to stay alive in the upcoming months. I also have a new friendship; a new weakness; a sudden attraction that has taken me by storm and I'm terrified of it all coming down at once. I look back at his sombre face. He hasn't moved an inch since my last sentence.   
  
I stand up and start to walk again. I hear his feet hit the pavement behind me and he catches up to speed with me. "You can't honestly believe that?" I shrug my shoulders. It's a fact. Anyone that gets involved with me will suffer pain and misery so why bother.   
  
"Luka's a lucky man." I hear the bitter edge of sarcasm on his voice. I think I've officially started to push him away from me. It will all be for the better in the end.   
  
"Was." I simply state it. We were something once. At the very beginning, I was mesmerized by him. He was such a gentle giant. He did everything in his power to help me and comfort me. He stood by me every single night. He set out roses for no reasons. He was absolutely perfect. But all good things came to an end. He finally realized there was no changing me. I only grow worse and he gave up. We were physically there for each other. We never talked. It had been a disaster from the very beginning. I'll never find someone who can understand me. I've given up hope. I'll just settle for being alone.   
  
"I'm sorry." I shake my head, dismissing his existence altogether. I wish I could just disappear from the face of the earth.   
  
"Not your fault." We keep walking in our uncomfortable silence. The sun is shining happily, the water calm and tranquil. Yet I'm the complete opposite. I"m the raging storm that has to come in and I'm the aftermath of that storm. I'm the death and destruction.   
  
"I know what if feels like." He grabs my attention. How could he possible know anything that I'm feeling right now. "I know what it feels like to have the world against you... The only colour you can see is black... Your best friends have become your worst enemies... You feel like you can't go on... Like life has lost meaning.. I still feel like that ninety-nine percent of the time..."  
  
I stop dead in my tracks. It seems like he's read my mind and summarized everything I'm feeling right now in a few simple short sentences. I look at him, for the first time, truly look at him. His eyes are dark brown pools of emptiness. He looks wrought by loneliness and longing. There is so much more to him than meets the eye. He looks so professional, so together, during work. Yet he's just like I am: mentally unstable and destroyed.   
  
"But you're worth something... Even if it's just to one person... I might be that one person."  
  
I start to shake my head. No. This is not happening. I am not hurting him like I've hurt everyone else. "No... No. You don't want me. You don't want anything to do with me. You're getting your life back together, the last thing you need is my friendship."   
  
It took all the force and willpower I had to leave him there. I pray to god he does not follow.   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
smilez4eva- Thank you, we rae glad you are still interested in this story, cause we have a lot more, hopefully, to do with this story. I read your story, I reviewed it too.   
  
Caitlin015- Thank you, yah in each of our stories, together and seperate, we try to put different and interesting spins on the relationship and how it started...  
  
Kayla- Awwww yeah, Abby's pretty depressed lately.   
  
smilez4eva - Thank you, don't worry we will.  
  
Kayla - Thank you, we go for originality.  
  
smilez4eva- Yeah, I had a feeling that people might be a little taken aback by the first chapter, but its all good once you hit the second. We're in it for the long haul too.  
  
Caitlin- Luby had great chemistry on the show, but we aren't Lubies... So don't worry:)  
  
Marina- Angst and Carby interactions... Ahhhh makes my day  
  
carbybubbles- Thanks we enjoy writing  
  
Lilkimi88- Thank yah... I'm glad you like our story... Glad you like my other one too...   
  
~Preview~  
  
"Come to my place tonight..." A look of utter confusion falls over her. She looks at me for a second, a smile creeps upon my lips, and she sighs, then tension that once hung over us, like a dark cloud, is gone. Everything has changed, the mood especially. "Come for dinner" 


	9. Split Second Decisions

Authors Note- Hey All, Sorry its a bit of a late update today. Um, anyways, I will prolbably only update once today, cause we only have 12 chapters written, so I don't want to finishing posting them, and then not have any left to post... Does that make any sense? Probably not. Anyways, thanks for reading and reviewing.   
  
Disclaimer- Not ours.  
  
Rating- PG 13 (language isn't too bad yet...)  
  
Chapter Nine  
  
"Why do you get to decide that?" I jog up beside her, grabbing her arm, she faces me, a simple tear wandering down her cheek, catches my attention. She looks at me, her stare cold and hurtful, but I don't look away. That is what she wants, for me to give up on her. I wonder how the hell I ended up in this hateful mess in the first place. I only met her three days ago, everything seemed great, they were going well. Then, boom, suddenly there was something between us.   
  
"Because, you are naive." I roll my eyes, and sigh. She really has no idea does she? She thinks she is the only one in the world feeling pain, she's wrong. Dead wrong. I have two children at home who are growing up without a mother, how do I ease their pain? I can't bring her back, the answer is I can't. They will always have a void within them, a void only a mother's love can fill, they didn't get a chance to experience that. But hell, maybe Abby's sad story is like that too. 'Cause I know she has a sad story. Every time I look at her, I see the pain her eyes.   
  
"I'm not naive, okay. I've been through hell and back too." This time its her turn to roll her eyes and sigh. I just watch, then continue feeding the fire. "You think you know everything. You don't know how the hell I felt last night. You don't know how I feel about you now." My anger rises, this women drives me nuts, but its a rush. being with her is a rush.   
  
"Yes I do. You don't want me..." I release her from my grip, she protectively grabs her arm, as though I have hurt her in some way.   
  
"How do you know that?" I say it softly, simply. Disregarding my anger, hoping to go a little bit deeper this time. Maybe actually reach her.   
  
"You apologized." Her voice falters, her eyes fall upon the sand, that has found a place in my shoes. I give her a quizzical look, once her eyes have fallen upon me once again. "If you wanted it to happen, you wouldn't have left. You wouldn't be here now apologizing." She explains this to me with a hint of bitterness and pain in her voice. Does she really want me to want her?   
  
"I-I thought you didn't-" I try to cover up, but the bitterness she once held, comes out in a laugh, then sand is kicked upon my shoe. Is that he way of telling me something? Like what I just said is a load of shit? I'm not sure.   
  
"Carter- Did you go home last night feeling guilty? Did you speak to your wife? Did you think about how its too soon." She's right, I do regret it. I can't say anything to fix that, its the truth. I felt guilty about the kiss. I don't regret meeting her, I'm just not so sure we're right for each. I feel a deeper connection to her, one I haven't felt, since Becca, I just, I don't want to ruin that. I want her to always be there. Right now I think she's what I need, I think I am what she needs. If only she could see that. If she could just, have a sense of happiness... My thoughts come to an abrupt halt as I realise what I could do...  
  
"Come to my place tonight..." A look of utter confusion falls over her. She looks at me for a second, a smile creeps upon my lips, and she sighs, then tension that once hung over us, like a dark cloud, is gone. Everything has changed, the mood especially. "Come for dinner. Surprisingly I can cook, my kids actually eat it. I mean, its just spaghetti, but come..." She looks at me again.   
  
"I can't. I work." She says simply. Her eyes not leaving mine for a second.  
  
"You're not in the mental state to work. I'll call in and get you out of it, if I have too." I won't let her loose this one. She can't work. She is a wreck, she doesn't need it, and the patience don't need it. It will only end badly. She looks at me, trying to read the expression on my face.   
  
"As a date?" I laugh out loud, and shake my head. "Okay then, thanks for the ego boost Carter." She pushes her hair out of her face.   
  
"No. Not a date... Not that I wouldn't date you, but... in light of what happened-" I stammer for a second before regaining my verbal bearings. "No. As friends, that's what seems to work for us." She smiles at me, the first genuine smile I have seen. It fades quickly, replacing it another cold look. I try to mentally will the smile back, remembering how beautiful she looks when wearing it. No such luck.   
  
"You really want me to come?" I nod, the kids will love her. I know it. She may have to watch out for any tricks Seb will play on her, but other than that, I think it could be okay.   
  
"If you will be uncomfortable, I can ask Susan to come as well?"   
  
"She's working." Her eyes are downcast once again, they flicker back up at me, she turns her body in the direction we came. She continues a steady walking pace, I follow her. Matching her pace for pace, the clouds loom over us, I can hear her feet smash against the pavement, out of anger, I'm not sure. "What time do you want me there?" She stops suddenly, out of breath and a little bit shaken up. I look at her, puzzled, not really sure what her sudden out burst was about.   
  
"Uh- Six is good." She nods in agreement, she attempts to walk away, but before she can I pull her into a tight hug. She stiffens in my arms, slowly easing into the gesture. Her arms snake around my waist, I loosen my grip around her, and start a rubbing motion along her back. Her head rests against my chest, her breaths matching my heartbeat. Gently, my chin rests against her head. Everything seems okay right now. The world is at peace, Abby is at peace. I know it won't last for long, but even a moment is good enough. Some day's those simple moments are what get me through, help me make it by. When I don't think I can any more. But she will learn that each day makes it that much easier, if you're willing to let go. I never was. I am finally learning too. Maybe we can help each other. Her hands make their way to my chest, pushing off of me. She looks at me, my arms, loosely, encircle her waist, she looks up at me. A small smile forms on her lips, and my heart skips a beat, she's beautiful. I let go of her, slip my jacket off of my arms, and place it around her body. She smiles nervously, tucking a few strands of hair away, and we start our journey back to Susan.   
  
~*~  
  
"So... A friend is coming for dinner?" Maddie asks, raising her eye brow. I nod in response, as I prepare the dinner. "Do we need to dress up for this?" I shake my head, and she continues to study me, I should have guessed she would be like this. "It's not Aunt Susan?" She quizzes, again I shake my head. Finding this the easiest way to answer her. She will get suspicious, well even more so, if I open my mouth. "Its a woman?" I nod again, rolling my eyes, exasperated by the third degree, I am receiving from my seven year old.   
  
"His girlfriend!" Seb laugh. I pick up a towel and toss it at his head, he yelps with laughter, balling it up and throwing it back at me. We throw it back and forth, as Maddie looks on, then joins in. I pick her up and toss her over my shoulder.   
  
"Loosen up, kiddo. You'll have fun." She laughs, wriggles free of my grip, throwing her arms around my neck and kissing me on the cheek.  
  
"Door BELL!" Sebastian screeches running for the door. I carry Maddie, running after the little scamp. Sebastian runs into the door, falling backwards, Maddie screeches with laughter, as he clumsily picks himself off the floor. I reach to open the door, but Seb pushes me away, and reaches for the knob, as Maddies, head rests upon my shoulder, I can tell she is preparing for the worst.   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
smilez4eva- About freaking time too, lol. Yeah, Carter totally gets her, its great.   
  
Kayla- Glad you're enjoying it, they do connect emotionally.  
  
lolomo- Thank you, glad you like our story... Um, for the ideas, we usually come up with the seperately actually. One of us will have an idea and the other will be like wait a second thats awesome, but you this has gotta go lol. Or whatever this story was actually gonna be a bit different... But Liby, was like no, it be better like this (the way it is now) So I had to have her write it, or yah know it woulda been bad...  
  
Carby04- Thank you... You really look for our story first... Aw. Thanks:) Don't worry, we will keep running, when we get ideas we try to keep them rolling.  
  
~Preview~  
  
He holds my hand in the palm of his, my hand is flat against his cheek. His hands is on top of mine. He's looking at me; he's looking into me. I move closer to him. He engulfs me in his arms and I melt into all that he is. My head rests against his chest; his chin is comfortably placed on top of my head. 


	10. Moments

Authors Note- Hey... Okay, so this chapter is shorter, but thats okay, cause its written by Liby and its absolutely Amazing... So please, read and review... There are no review responses for this chapter... But htere is a preview.  
  
Chapter Ten  
  
I lie on the feather-soft sofa with Sebastian in my lap with his head against my chest. My fingers run up and down his tiny arm in a comforting pattern. I know he's fallen asleep; I've known for the last hour. I just couldn't bare to wake him or having him taken away from me. Sebastian and I took and instant liking to each other. I don't know where it came from. Madison, on the other hand, hates me. She hasn't left Carter's side. I look over at her. He's holding her limp body in his arms and trying to manoeuvre her without waking her. I look up and he motions me towards the stairs. I gently pick up his small body and start off behind me. I climb up the stairs, having him lead me. I've gotten lost once tonight, and it was enough. He opens the door expertly for me and whispers to lay him down. I walk into the huge room and lay him down on his soft bed. I see him beginning to squirm and I pull the covers from under him and throw them over his frame. He opens his eyes and looks at me. He gives me a small smile and I return it. I brush the strands of hair away from his forehead and pull the comforter closer around him. His hands reach up and grasp around my neck. He pulls me in closer to him. I have no clue what he's trying to do. I feel a kiss upon my cheek and his half-awake voice telling me goodnight. I return the motion and start to get up as he curls up to his left side and falls back asleep.  
  
I walk out of the room and shut the door behind me. I practically walk into Carter who was standing just outside. He turns the hall light on and leads me down the stairs. I look at my watch, it's about ten o'clock. He leads me back towards the den and we resume positions opposite each other. I look out the balcony doors towards the dark sky. I could have had a son or daughter. I gave it up out of my own cowardice. I could have had someone to love, to hold during those cold evil nights. I was so afriad. I was terrified I would screw this little person up. I can't give them a perfect life. It's impossible, especially with me. It was for the better. Everything was for the better.   
  
"Do you wanna see the grounds?" He catches my attention and I shake my head. It's cold and I should be heading home before I do something I regret.   
  
"No, I really should get going." I see him look back out at the same exact place I had just focused on. I feel a chill run through my body. There's something so comforting about having him a few feet away from me. Yet it also scares me in a way. I don't want to impart upon this man all my problems and insecurities. All the doubts and fears I have ever had would drown him. It would cause him so much more pain and suffereing that he has ever needed to feel. My words have left my mouth but we both know I have no intention of moving. I pull my arms closer around myself and the awkward silence between us seems to grow louder and louder by the second. I hear the fire crackling in the fireplace and his breathing. It would be perfect moment if only I was the perfect woman. I'm not. I'm as opposite the perfect woman as is possible. A chilling scream breaks through the house and we both jump on edge. Carter automatically starts in a run towards the stairs and I jet after him. We reach Sebastian's bedroom in a matter of seconds and he's entwined in a mess of blankets and pillows, tears streaming down his eyes. Carter instantly picks him up and starts to rock him. I walk up a few feet closer to him and Sebastian pulls out his chubby little arms towards me. I move closer and take him into my own arms. His head rests on my shoulder and I rock him back and forth. My hand glides up and down his back. My mouth mutters comforting sayings as his tears dry and his eyes close. His arms are wrapped so tightly around my neck that it almost hurts. I prick at his fingers playfully and he lets go a bit, but he's still holding on. I shoot a look towards Carter and he has an empty expression on his face. He notices me looking at him and glances away. He starts towards the door and I hold Seb in my arms and follow him. We go back to the den and I rock Seb in my arms until he falls back asleep yet once again.   
  
I glance back at Carter and he looks distraught; lost into a different world. "You alright?"  
  
He shakes his head, mentally coming back into the present time frame. "Yeah... He asleep?"  
  
I nod my head and run my fingers over Sebastian's face. He's going to look exactly like his father when he gets older. "It's just.."  
  
I divert my attention back to my host. "...you looked exactly like Rebecca in the light, in the moment.... and its hard because I do everything to push her out of my thoughts..." I see begin to crumble again. He's been trying so hard to rebuild his life, yet he knows he never will fully be able to forget her. I watch him get up off the sofa and pace the floor in front of the fireplace. I move Sebatstian's sleeping body to my left on the empty stretch of sofa. I place a pillow under his head and walk up towards the lost.   
  
I reach up towards his face. I can barely see him; the orange and red from the fire blur his expression. I brush away the sparkling tears from his face; my fingers wet with the salty acid. He holds my hand in the palm of his, my hand is flat against his cheek. His hands is on top of mine. He's looking at me; he's looking into me. I move closer to him. He engulfs me in his arms and I melt into all that he is. My head rests against his chest; his chin is comfortably placed on top of my head. I hold his weeping body closer to mine. We're all allowed our moments. Mine just happen alone at night when I have no one to judge me. Another sob escapes him and I hold him just like I was holding Sebastian. I lean up to him on my toes, placing a light kiss on his cheek. His hands run play with the ends of my hair. No. This is not happening. No. I'm not taking advantage of him. I'm not letting him get involved with me. No. Not tonight, not ever.  
  
"I'm sorry." I push away from him, and start running towards the door. I grab my coat and purse from the table by the door. My keys are out of my pocket in under three second. I doubt he'll even know what happened tomorrow morning. I'm not bringing him down with me. We can't just be friends. I think we both know that. There is so much more at stake right now.   
  
~Preview~  
  
"Look, Abby, I've told you where I stand with us. Friends. I know you don't want more, that's fine, just don't hurt what we could have, because of it. Don't be afraid." Her eyes are glued on me. 


	11. Photo day

Authors Note- So chapter eleven, we aren't that far ahead with our writing yet, not like we were with Hate To Love And Back... But we are at Chapter Thirteen, Chapter Fourteen will be completed sometime this weekend, so yeah, you'll all have read that by monday. Anyways... Thanks for reading and Reviewing.   
  
Chapter Eleven  
  
The grey clouds loom over us, Maddies tiny hands grasp tighter around mine, her nails puncturing the skin. "When are we going to be there..." She whines, in a panicked voice. I lift her up, the rain drizzles down, Sebastian walks a few feet ahead of us, the grumbles of thunder not disturbing his steady thoughts. The rain comes down harder, Maddies elbows dig into my shoulders, as she holds on for dear life. Assuring her that thunder won't hurt her, is like teaching a baby to speak French. Impossible. Sebastian turns around suddenly, studying me, his face crunched up, his brow creased, as his thoughts brew.   
  
"Can I give Abby a school picture." I shrug, sure, why not. Maddie on the other heads scoffs. Releasing a deep heavy sigh, followed by an eye roll. Sebastian adores Abby, Maddie on the other hand, wouldn't mind if she disappeared and never came back. I'm not sure why she does not like her. Ever since Becky died Maddie has had trouble getting along with women, women who interact with me especially. Susan is the exception to that rule, I think that's because Susan has always been a part of her life.   
  
"Why would you want to give HER, anything..." Maddie draws her words out, making Abby into some awful monster. "I don't like her, and I never, ever want to see her again." She just might get her wish. The way Abby bolted outta my place last night was unsettling. I wasn't intending on doing anything with her, I already know how she feels about me.   
  
"Maddie..." I start setting her down on the pavement, "you have no right to say those things about anyone." She gives me an eye roll, which leads me to firmer grounds. "No. Madison Lisa Carter, you are not above anyone. Not your brother, not me, not Gamma-"  
  
"Dad, no ones above Gamma, she's like the richest person alive." Seb interjects. Not quite, but he's sort of right. With all that money she does hold a fair amount of power, but that still doesn't give her the right to be a snot. Which is where Maddie could be learning this from. Gamma hasn't always been a people person, or at least not with the 'lower class,' or the 'working stiffs,' such as myself. I'm just a working stiff with a nice cushion to keep me happy for well... The rest of my life.   
  
"That still doesn't give her the right to be mean." I tell Sebastian... Madison leaves us to sit down on the bench, outside the ER. "Madison, you have to promise me something." She raises her eye brows in the form of an answer. "That you will give Abby a chance." She sighs dramatically, throwing her head against the bench. Then, solemnly, nods. I pull her into a hug, she responds by pecking me on the cheek.   
  
"But I'm not giving her my picture." She snots, well, at least I got a half hearted promise out of the twerp. I stare down at her, giving her a cold look before grabbing Sebastian's hand. I don't like them running free in her, putting them in the lounge is bad enough, but when Sebastian runs around asking people if they want his autograph, it doesn't sit well with me. We walk up to the desk, Frank is seated on a stool, rocking himself back and forth, while munching on some sort of sandwich, that keeps leaking mayonnaise out of the sides and end. I grab a chart, and head for the lounge, Sebastian blows in first, a smile apparent on his face.   
  
"Abby!" He squeals, well this won't be awkward, not. She looks up smiling, Sebastian throws his arms around her neck in a big bear hug. She reciprocates it, by standing up and completing the hug. Her eyes meet mine, her once happy face is gone, a stone cold expression now covers it, tension falls in the air, as Maddie ignores her completely and heads for the couch. "I have a picture for you Abby!" Sebastian exclaims reaching into his coat pocket, and pulling out a picture of himself. "It's me." He explains, she smiles at it, wiping a wisp of fallen hair out of his eyes. She stares at the picture adoringly, then tucks it away in her coat.   
  
"I'll put it somewhere special." She tells him. He nods, accepting that as a valid answer, then plops down beside his sister watching television.   
  
"Couldn't get a babysitter?" Great, a lame attempt at easing the tension is all we need. I open my locker, and route through it.   
  
"Uh- no, she's coming in a few minutes to pick them up. I just wanted to spend sometime with them after school." She watches me as I speak, her eyes never leaving my face. It makes me nervous, because I don't know what she expects me to say, or do. I wouldn't know where to start, I've known her barley a week, and already we have a complex relationship, the most complex relationship I have ever been in. It scares the hell out of me. I don't know where we are headed, one moment I think we are fine, friends, nothing more. The next we are thisclose to kissing, or actually kissing. I try to sort out my feelings for her, late at night I lye in bed, thinking of the ways I feel about her, coming up with explanations for my actions. Reason why I don't love her. The main one being, I don't think I'm capable of love. Not since Rebecca, she was my true love. There is no one like her, there is no love like ours. I don't want to forget her, I don't want her gone. She's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep at night. I know that's a cheesy cliche, but I can't help it. Its exactly how I feel. Except I can't have her. Not anymore. I guess I should feel lucky that I had her once. She was mine, we had all the love in the world, then she was taken from me... Quickly, too quickly. I got a chance to know her, to love her, unlike Sebastian, who will never, truly, know his mother. To him she will always be an image. Someone people describe to him, but he will never actually have an understanding of what she was like.   
  
"Oh-" Is all she says...I guess trying to talk the day after an 'almost kiss' is pretty hard. We stare at each other, neither one of us making an attempt to dissipate the tension.  
  
"Look, Abby, I've told you where I stand with us. Friends. I know you don't want more, that's fine, just don't hurt what we could have, because of it. Don't be afraid." Her eyes are glued on me.  
  
"I don't deserve you." Its that simple for her. She leaves. Without another word, without a goodbye, without a see yah in hell. It's that easy for her. I just wish it was that easy for me. But I see something in her, something no one else seems to see, and I know she just needs someone to talk too. I watch the lounge door, hoping she will come back, knowing there is not a chance in hell that she will. She just thinks the whole world is going to give up on her. I won't. I can't.  
  
"Daddy-" I look over at Sebastian, a grin on his face.   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"Can Abby come over for dinner again tonight? I'll cook." I laugh, yeah right. I'm not having a kitchen fire, cause my five year old decides to cook for her new crush, or whatever she may to him. I reach into my lab coat, a crinkled piece of paper in the pocket grabs my attention. I pull it out, the phone number. The number Susan scrawled onto the torn piece of envelope and made me have. I tried to fight her on it, but she was having none of it. She kept reminding me how pathetic my life is. I decided it wouldn't hurt, but now I'm contemplating using the number. Something I never thought I would do.   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
Kayla- Kem is not my favourite person, she's too freaking perfect... grrr.... Anyways, lol, yeah Carter is awesome when he helps Abby, its when he tries to change her that issues arise. Thanks for reviewing, and reading..:)  
  
~Preview~  
  
"Thank you." I shrug my shoulders and head over to the cabinet to place the saline and gauze pads away. I feel his presence behind me. His hand lingers on my hip for a few moments before he goes any further. I don't want him to. This only drags us both down deeper. I hope to god he has enough sense to stop because I will not be able to stop him.   
  
Authors Notex2- Just thought I should let you know I wrote this chapter, and I know how much it sucks... lol, its cheesy... But the rest aren't like this, I was having a weird writing day lol... Anyways thanks for reading. 


	12. Giving in

Chapter Twelve  
  
I sink into the scalding hot water. The smell of lavender floats through the room and mixes with the vanilla scent streaming from the burning candles. My head finds a comfortable spot on the back of the tub as I feel all the pains and aches of the day slowly disintegrating from my body. The white foam floats around me and I close my eyes. The water is burning my skin; but a burning very much needed. It's opening all my pores and shifting away all the weight I carried through the last week. I undo my ponytail and let my hair soak in the water. My toes reach the end of the tub and I could stay in here forever. I don't want anything to disturb me. There is nothing but silence. No noise at all; no cars, no horns, no trains. Complete and utter silence. I finally begin to unwind and relax. I'm not thinking of anything. My mind needs to stay in complete darkness until I step out of my sanctuary. Otherwise I'm going to crumble into a million pieces that will never be recovered. I roll my neck from side to side and feel the muscles in my shoulders and back letting go their tight hold. The world is still for me. Even if its for a few seconds. I hear a bitter knocking in my subconscious. I want to ignore it but I know I can't. I lift my heavy body out of the warm water reluctantly and quickly wipe away some of excess water. I throw my hair up into a quick spiral and wrap my robe loosely around me. I head towards my door and quickly open it. If whoever was still there, they must be really patient or really desperate.   
  
Just as I suspected I see a desperate looking man standing in front of me. There are two children with him and both are sleeping on each shoulder. I wipe away a stray stream of water that sank out of my hair. He gives me an awkward smile and I pull Sebastian from his left side into my arms.   
  
"Abby, I'm so sorry for showing up like this. We tried calling you but you didn't pick up. There's a big accident and I have to go on scene. Susan's working and I don't trust anyone else with these two. Please. It's only for a few hours." I run my hand over my towel and pull my robe closer around me. They are asleep now, but what if they wake up. I can't deal with two kids alone. What if they won't listen to me? I can't do this. I give him a sigh and shake my head, opening the door wider for him. I lead Carter towards my bedroom and I motion towards my bed. He lays Maddie down gently and she barely stirs. He throws the covers over her and kisses her on the cheek. I proceed to do the same with Seb, but I hear a moan in protest. He holds on to me and I pull him back up. Carter shoots me an apologetic look and I brush it off. I walk back towards the door, leaving my bedroom door open. I carry Sebastian in my arms and Carter quickly gives him a kiss on the cheek. My fingers play with Seb's hair as he does so. I look back towards the bedroom and I know Carter senses my uncertainty. As I'm about to close the door he leans down and gives his son another kiss. I hear a muttered thank-you under his breath and a gentle peck on my own cheek. I'm not worthy of him; nor of the love of his children. Why am I the only one that understands this? He can have someone so much better than me; someone who actually wants to have kids and a family. I don't want that. I've had a broken one all my life, I don't know what a real family is like.   
  
I walk back towards the sofa and place Sebastian down. He pulls towards me in his half awake-state and I whisper that I'm going to get some clothes on. I'm still in a bathrobe that is too lose and too revealing. And Carter just saw me in it. I walk into my room and pull a pair of sweatpants and a shirt from my closet. I look back at Maddie and she's fast asleep with her teddy bear in her arms. I walk into the bathroom and put out all the candles. I stack them back under the sink and let the cold water out of the tub. So much for soaking in hot water for a few hours. I towel dry my hair and pull it back. I throw on my clothes quickly and walk back into the living room. I sit down next to Sebastian and he migrates to my lap. This little kid has grown so attached to me for no apparent reason. He rests his head like he did before. His body in my lap, his head against my chest. I wrap my arms around him and rock him back and forth. My hands go back and play with his hair. He pulls on the ends of my own soaking wet hair. He's going to fall back asleep soon, it's just going to take a few minutes. I keep rocking him until I see him stick his tongue out and start sucking on it. When I'm finally sure he's down I rest him against the couch and prop his head up with a pillow. I pull a blanket from the closet and throw it over his little form. He seems to sink into the fabric.   
  
I walk back into the kitchen and start to put the dry dishes away as quietly as I can. I don't think I've ever had to care whether or not I was bothering someone most of my life. After I finish that, I run a damp sponge over the counters and table, quickly finishing my late night cleaning. I take a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and put it on the table. I have a few things to finish, some drug reports, nursing schedules, the usual. And since I'm not going anywhere tonight might as well get that out of the way. I pull out a chair and right before I sit down I hear a soft sob coming from the direction of my bedroom. I start to walk over there, maybe I'm imagining things. I get closer and see Maddie's cheeks streaked with tears. I walk closer to her but she quickly turns away from me.   
  
"I want my daddy." I run my hands through my hair. Wasn't I worrying about something like this happening before I said yes?  
  
"Your dad's not here. He's at work helping people... He'll be back soon." I watch the little girl curl up into a tighter and tighter ball she forms around herself. I do the same thing.   
  
"I don't want 'em to." I move closer towards her and sit down on the bed next to her back.   
  
"He'll be back in a few hours." I see her hugging her teddy bear so tightly I think that the head is going to come off the body.   
  
"I want my daddy. I don't want you!" Her voice shrieks throughout the apartment and I pray that Sebastian is a heavy sleeper, especially right now. And people ask me why I don't want kids?  
  
"Madison..." Her crying starts again and I test my boundaries. I put my fingers on her little arm for a few seconds and when she doesn't revolt I put my whole hand on her shoulder. I run it up and down for a little while before I hear her starting to settle. I take both hands and pull her towards me. She has a determined expression on her pudgy little face, but her cheeks are stained red. I pull her head into my lap and she complies, which was really unexpected for me. I play with her loose brown curls and she wipes away her own tears. She finally calms down and crawls under the blanket. I look at my bright green illuminated alarm clock on the edge of the dresser. It's 3:41. Almost 5 hours since he left his two beautiful children with me. I walk back towards the living room and dim the lights a little bit more. Sebastian is still fast asleep. I pull the blanket tighter around him.   
  
The knock on the door I recognize as my uninvited guest and I quickly walk to answer it. I pull the chains out and the lock clicks. I open the door and start to walk towards the kitchen. I think he knows to shut the door and follow me. I finally see him in the regular light and there is a gash above his brow that is still bleeding.   
  
"What happened to you?" He reaches up to his brow, pats it, and looks down at his fingers that are covered in blood. He makes a strange face and looks up at me.   
  
"Hazards of the workplace." I start to head towards my medicine cabinet. I should have some saline or alcohol to at least clean it out. It looks deep enough for stitches but I'm not entirely sure from the distance between us.   
  
"Sit down. I'll wash it out." He obeys my orders like an obedient little puppy and I find what I was looking for. I pull out a few sterile pads, some saline, and some antibacterial ointment. I brush his hair off to the side and dab the pads in the saline. I press it against the wound and he jumps a little in a shock. I do it again and he starts to moan. it's not that bad, it's only saline. I'm not using the alcohol until later. I rinse it out as he sits there patiently. I'm in control for a few minutes, and I need the break. I look at it, but its only superficial. It will heal with time. I find a big enough bandage and put it on. He laughs a little and I start to place the supplies away.  
  
"Thank you." I shrug my shoulders and head over to the cabinet to place the saline and gauze pads away. I feel his presence behind me. His hand lingers on my hip for a few moments before he goes any further. I don't want him to. This only drags us both down deeper. I hope to god he has enough sense to stop because I will not be able to stop him. I can feel his warm breath on the nape of my neck and drawing closer and closer to me.  
  
"Really.. Thank you... For everything..." He whispers slowly and cautiously into my ear. Both his hands rest near my waist, his lips touch my skin gently. An almost invisible scene, yet I felt it as if it had been the longest, strongest one ever. My body rejoices yet screams in protest. I turn my head to met his lips. My body turns around to face him. I can feel his lips begging for more, my body wanting to be with him. His tongue seeks entrance into mine, I don't let him. I can't let him. Common sense needs to reclaim the top spot. My body rests so close to his I can barely breathe. We have to stop this. This can't happen. I feel his hands running up and down the small of my back. We'll regret it.   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
Carby6- We're gonna try and update everyday:)  
  
Kayla- Seb adores Abby:)  
  
Marina- Hmmm we'll try and write more with the kids! Thanks for reviewing.  
  
trish- Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed that chapter!! Thanks for the review.   
  
Kayla- Hope oyu enjoyed this chapter as much as you enjoyed the preview.  
  
smilez4eva- Here yah go!  
  
~Preview~  
  
"I don't need another reminder, okay, just don't-" I look at her quizzically, sensing the desperation in her voice. I nod my head slightly, watching as a small tear falls, landing on her eye lashes, she quickly wipes it away. She is breaking, I can tell. 


	13. Protection

Authors Note- Thanks for the reviews, there are no responses today. I didn't have time. But in the next update for sure.   
  
Rating- R... Just to be safe, there has already been some sexual content, and the language seems to get increasingly worse... So you've been warned.   
  
Her fingers rest upon my cheek, before slowly running through my hair, carelessly. Her one hand falls, gently cupping my face, as my tongue dances along her soft lips, begging for her to let me in, she stands firm, guarding herself. Reluctantly at first, she pushes me off of her. I step forward, trying to capture her lips with my own one last time. She follows my movements and steps back, her hands play along my chest, resisting me. Tilting my head to the side, my eyes plead with hers, but she isn't budging. "Its not right." Her voice low, "it would never work. I-" She shakes her head, chewing her bottom lip nervously. My finger makes it way up to her chin, lingering there for a second before she brushes it off. I drop my hands to my side defeated. I can't force myself upon her. If she doesn't want me, she doesn't have to have me. Its as simple as that. Hell, maybe she's right. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Our eyes remain locked, each lost in their own thoughts, daring not to disturb the other. The shrill scream rips through the air, I look at the clock, four o'clock. A lot later then usual. Since, his night was jumbled around, his schedule was thrown off. We break our contact, the only contact we will probably ever have again, and head towards a shrieking Sebastian.   
  
I make it to him before she does, reaching out, I scoop the sobbing little boy into my arms. His tears stain my shirt, his tiny fingers clutch onto my arms. Abby stands next to me, protectively rubbing his back, soothing the shaking body. Seb looks up, catching sight of Abby. He smiles at her, she pulls him out of my arms, releasing the grip on me, he goes. Thankful for the comfort of his mother figure. "Daddy?" I look over to the doorway, a dim light, casts a shadow over her tiny figure. I walk closer to her, bringing her into my arms, protectively.   
  
"Hey, you should be asleep." I whisper into her hair, drawing Abby's attention. To an onlooker we would be the picture of a perfect family. To the trained eye, we are anything but perfect. We have more secrets, painful memories, and scars, then a family should have. I bring her into the bedroom, I sense Abby close behind me. I sit down on the bed, Madison still in my arms, Abby follows suit. I can tell that Sebby has dozed off, but it will take a few minutes before he is in a deep enough slumber to leave. Maddie is sleeping again.   
  
I look over at Abby, watching as she gently strokes Sebastian's hair, providing a source of amenity. I smile at her, she smiles tightly back. "You look so-"  
  
"Don't say it." She interrupts me. "I don't need another reminder, okay, just don't-" I look at her quizzically, sensing the desperation in her voice. I nod my head slightly, watching as a small tear falls, landing on her eye lashes, she quickly wipes it away. She is breaking, I can tell. She can no longer hide like she use too. Her innermost thoughts are slowly coming to the surface, I have gained her trust, I am not sure how, but I am sure as hell not going to do anything to wreck it. I carefully lift Maddie out of my arms, placing her under the covers. I walk over to the opposite side of the bed, doing the same to Sebastian. Abby looks up at me questioningly. I just take her hand and gently lead her out of the bedroom.   
  
Lying down on the couch, I pull her into my lap. She hesitates at first, but succumbing to tiredness, she agrees, but not without a roll of her eyes. Her head finds a spot on my chest, as my arms encircle her waist. Her cheek rests on my shoulder, and one at a time a tear falls onto my shoulder, just like they did with Sebastian, except he wasn't so quick to cover up the obvious pain. I hold her close, letting her cry, empty her heart out. Even as she lies in my arms, she tries to hide her tears. It is unbelievable what this women will do to try and convince people she is strong. She is, but there is a part of her, like there is a part of all of us, that is falling a part, she can't keep herself together, slowly she is peeling her masks off for me.   
  
~*~  
  
"Daddy, did you have sex with Abby last night?" The piece of toast I am currently eating becomes lodged in my throat, for a moment I don't think I am going to be able to dislodge it. Somehow I manage to get the piece of toast 'unjammed' and stare at my daughter shocked. She looks at me, proceeding to shrug. "Did you?" She presses.  
  
"Maddie-" I scold, she rolls her eyes, waving me off. I can't believe my seven year old is asking me these questions. How the hell does she know what sex is? That's it she's never watching television again. I am locking her in the basement until she's thirty five. Its the only solution. I continue to stare at her open mouthed, as she and Sebastian kiss me on the cheek, and run out of the apartment with their newly arrived babysitter.   
  
"Bye Dad, love you." They holler in unison. I stand up, still in shock from my child's previous statement. I decide to clean Abby's kitchen, to take my mind off of things. Many things, like how the hell my daughter knows about sex. That will keep my up every night for the rest of my life. I don't know how I will survive once she starts to date. I guess I can pray that she turns out ugly, and I don't have to worry about dating. I pick up the dishes stacking them in the sink.   
  
"You're a maid service too?" I look over my shoulder at a grinning Abby, she pushes her hair behind her ears. God she looks beautiful, even after choppy sleep, tears, kisses, mild arguments, and screaming children, I still can't help but stare. I mentally kick myself, knowing that I am probably making her uncomfortable, seeing as she does not feel the same. I take my eyes off of her and continue cleaning the kitchen. She strides up next to me, leaning against the counter, wearing my wrinkled t-shirt. Okay, so I kind of get where Maddie might have gotten the whole sex impression. She tucks her hair behind her ears in nervousness. The tension is looming over us. So I decide to break it.   
  
"So, Maddie asked me if we had sex." Okay, so probably not the best way to start, but hell, you have to start somewhere. She looks shocked, then breaks out into laughter.   
  
"Hey, its not funny." I interject. She shakes her head, clapping her hand over her mouth.   
  
"Sorry, its just- She's seven." I nod, my eyes widening, yeah she is seven.   
  
"Yeah, that leads me to wonder how the hell my seven year old knows about sex."   
  
"Well, Carter, you know kids these days. They are starting so young, its not rare for kids to be caught 'doing it' on the playground." I drop the dish in the sink, not caring as it shatters into a zillion pieces. Abby, bursts out laughing again, then rubs a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Jesus, Carter, I was kidding. Now you owe me for that dish." She turns and waltz into the bedroom. I shake my head, then decide to follow her.   
  
I lean against the door frame, as she roots through her dresser for something to wear. A smile on her lips the whole time, I am not sure what has changed since last night, she seems to be in much better spirits then I've ever seen her. Or this could just be one of her acts. Another facade that she puts on to fool me. Its possible. I cringe at the thought, I will never truly know if she is happy. Or maybe I will, although if she's not right now she is doing a hell of a job of fooling me. Her hair rests upon her shoulders, every now and then it will carelessly fall into her face, I have to fight the urge to walk up to her and push it away for her. She whistles quietly to herself, as she takes her arms out of her sleeves, my breath catches in my throat... "Having fun watching me." I lean my head back, releasing a frustrated sigh.   
  
"I was till then." I smile, my hands jammed into my pockets. She nods, walking up to me, yeah, she beautiful. Her shirt, or should I say mine, is off her body, a bra is quickly replacing it. The moment is gone too fast. She then walks into the bathroom, leaving me in complete and utter confusion. I stand staring at the door for god knows how long. Unable to move. I somehow manage to dislodge myself from my spot on the floor. I sit on the couch, waiting for her to get out of the washroom. The water runs, and I am torturing myself thinking about all the possibilities of what is going on in that washroom. I close my eyes tightly, trying to concentrate on anything but the growing bulge in my pants. Its impossible, the only thing I see is a topless Abby. Probably the last time I will see her topless. Although, lately with Abby you never know. She is the most complicated women I have ever met in my life, and I am having a hell of a time figuring her out, but I can't help but enjoy it. I find myself falling for her more and more every day. Last night I thought there was no chance in hell for us, after she pulled away from the kiss. Now I am not so sure, there could be hope. A small dash of hope.   
  
"Hey sailor." She smiles, her hair now wet and messily hanging around her face. I look up at her, she notices the bulge in my pants, but a blind man could notice it... So that doesn't surprise me. I smile back at her, as she sits next to me on the couch. I run my hands through her hair, as she nervously watches me. Her eyes locked on mine. My fingers trail over to her face, she leans against my touch, her eyes closing, as she breathes in deeply. I scoot closer to her, wanting to close any space between us. I need to be close to her so badly, I don't think I can bare separation at this point. She opens her eyes, her hands find their way to my lap, and I watch as she takes them up my chest. Her once happy expression lost to a serious one, one that is unexpected, indescribably sexy. She bites on her lip, and I lean forward ever so slightly, she doesn't move an inch. My head stays frozen in that spot, she slowly moves forward, ever so slightly, but enough to let me know that she is interested in reciprocating. I lean forward, and connect us. Her lips touch mine for a moment before pulling away. Her hands land on my chest, pushing me away.   
  
"I can't-" I look up at her, this women has no clue what she does to me. She throws me for loops, she breaks my heart. I am attracted to her, I want her in my life, but I am not sure if I can keep doing this to myself. "I'm sorry John." She bites back a tear, by gnawing on her bottom lip. "I guess nothings changed from last night." I nod, taking a moment to bite on my bottom lip. She reaches out her hand to console me, but I brush her off shaking my head. "John, sorry."   
  
"No-" I stand up, running my hands through my hair. "Its okay, really its okay. I understand." I take in a deep breath. I watch as she tries to approach me, but I don't need or want her pity. I've had all the pity I can take over the last three years. The last thing I need is pity from her, the first women I've been attracted too since Rebecca. I walk towards the bedroom, and gather all the kids stuff. This time she watches from the doorway. I brush past her, shrugging my jacket on, then opening the door to her apartment.   
  
"I'll see you at work." I say closing the door, I guess that's the only time I will be seeing her from now on. At work. 


	14. Painful truths

Authors Note- Hey, no review responses today either, I am so sorry, but I have been pressed for time, when posting the lsat few chapters... But look for them tomorrow, cause they will most likely be in that chapter. Thanks to everyone who reviewed/ Liby wrote this chapter, she writes Abby I write Carter, for those who weren't sure. Anyways here you go. Oh you will notice I bumped the rating up to R, there is some language and sexual content in previous chapters, and in chapters to come, so just so you know. Thanks...  
  
Chapter Fourteen  
  
I hear the door slam on all the hope I had. He's just like the rest. I don't' know why I push people away, but I really thought he would stay around. But he didn't. No big surprise. I curl my foot under me and sit down on the soft couch. The blankets and pillows from the last night still litter the room; I'll clean up later. I just realized I have an aching headache, and a shift in a little less than six hours that will go 36 hours straight. I need to take at least one really long nap. I reach for my purse under the coffee table and start shifting through it for the bottle of Tylenol I should have in there. Something catches my attention and I pull out the picture of Sebastian. I look at his toothless grin and want to simply laugh. I put my bag down and sit back on the sofa with the picture between my fingers. I can't stop looking at what I could have had. It would never have worked. I flip it between my index finger and my ring finger. I can't stand it anymore. I wish I wasn't who I am.  
  
I take the picture and stuff it into a random book I find in my side table. I'll be an old lady, alone and miserable, and when that picture falls out, I'll remember. I'll remember what a screw-up I really am. I could have had it all: a white picket fence, a handsome husband, children running around the backyard and the dog barking in the background. I could have had it all. And I was forced into having none of it. I take my Tylenol from my lap and walk into the kitchen to get something to drink it down with. I shift through my shelves looking for tea, but I can't find any. Yet the shine of the bottle catches my eye from the very back of the shelf. It's almost empty, might as well just finish it. I know the temptation won't leave me. I take out a glass and pour the rest of the clear bitter liquid into it. I pour a little big of juice into the glass to give it some flavour and pop the few pills. The liquid washes down my throat and finally lets me breathe. Everything was gaining up on me, choking me to death. Now everything seems to slip away. I walk back towards the couch and lie down. I ball the blanket up with the pillows and rest my head down on it all. I can feel my eyelids closing and the world disappearing. I want to sleep all the pain away.   
  
~*~  
  
The shrill sound of ringing knocks me out of my unconscious state. My head screams out in pain and I can feel the world spinning around me. I lash out towards the loud noise to make it stop. Every rings sounds louder and makes my head pound more and more. I finally manage to make it stop, or it stops on it's own. I don't know. One of the two. I look at my clock and it says 4:59. I have exactly an hour to wake up and whip myself back into some form of a presentable person. I don't know if I can do it. I walk into the bathroom and splash cold water against my face. My eyes have dark brown bags under them, of course I've had those since I was about twelve. I twirl my hair into a messy French twist and brush my teeth. I'm starting to feel alive. Alive with a headache. I walk into my bedroom and pull out a pair of jeans and the first shirt I find. I quickly slip them on and walk into my kitchen. I'll get a cup of coffee on the way there. I still have paperwork to fill out before my shift starts. I close my purse and grab my keys. I'm out the door, not completely lucid, but not completely lost.   
  
I take the L, and it isn't too crowded, especially at rush hour. I'm at the hospital in a little over 15 minutes, and the excitement of the day has yet to die down. The place is packed with coughing children and moaning adults. I can see the pain on people's face yet I can't do anything to relieve that pain just yet. I walk into the lounge and throw my stuff into my locker. I don't' know how I'm going to make it through the next 36 hours. I grab the pile of paperwork waiting for me on the counter and start to shift through it. I head over the table and make myself comfortable. There's no point in trying to pretend like I really care about Kerry's Memo's. I don't. I throw out the unimportant stuff and I'm left with a pile reduced by seventy-five percent. I hear the door open behind me and I casually turn aroudn to see who it is. I wish I hadn't. My body physically freezes looking at him. He walks closer to me. No. We discussed this already. It's not going to work. Never.  
  
"I'm sorry for leaving like that." I look down at my paper and try to put on an impassive expression.  
  
  
  
"I'm sorry for it all..." My voice came out weak and raspy. My eyes can't focus on anything and my head is pounding a million beats per second. I hear him pull up a chair a few feet next to me.  
  
"But we can't just let all this go and pretend it never happened." I shrug my shoulders. Why not. I've done it before. I pretended my marriage to Richard never happened. I pretended that I was never pregnant with a baby. I pretended to be a strong person. Pretending does great things for me.   
  
"It just doesn't work that way, Abby." I lock my eyes on him and his expression slowly starts to change.   
  
"Can we please not talk about this right now." I run my hands through my hair. i can't deal with him and this pounding headache at the same time.   
  
"Are you okay?" I give him a questioning expression. I'm fine. I'm fine. Just this aching headache that will not go away. It's like a part of me.  
  
"I have a headache but besides that I'm just peachy..." He cringes at my bitter tone of sarcasm at the end. Everyone and everything gets on my nerves right now. I just, I don't know. I can't deal with any of this. No I refuse to deal with any of it. What if I just ignore it? Maybe it will go away?   
  
"Sebastian wants to see you again." I lay my head down on my arms. The whole light thing isn't helping much either.   
  
"I don't' think that would be a good idea." It wouldn't be. I would royally screw up the kid, and he's wonderful the way he is right now. I shouldn't be allowed near kids, I might cause permanent mental damage. I tend to impart my negativity on everyone I meet. Carter himself can vouch for that.   
  
"Listen... I don't know what he sees in you... I wish I knew... but I don't. You've won his heart. You don't have to be with me, or love me, or even speak to me again... Just don't break my son's heart." I can't look up at him because I feel the tears that have just swelled up in my eyes will begin to fall. And then he will see me for who I really am for the second time in a row. I can't let myself act this way around him. It's not fair to him. It's not who I am. I can't let him hurt me. Because that is what inevitably will happen. He will hurt me and the only person I will be able to blame is myself. I feel his hands on my shoulders, gently rubbing them. Everything hurts and he's making that pain go away, even if it's for a few seconds. I see him kneel down next to me, his hands now rest on my thighs.   
  
"Abby..." His voice is a gentle whisper above the screaming from the outside world.  
  
"Abby." I look up at him, my eyes blinking away the drops of moisture. His hand reaches up and rests against my head. His thumb runs up and down my cheek. I close my eyes. He knows that the key into my soul is through my eyes. He knows me as a person, he can almost read my thoughts. He's so close I can feel his warm breathe upon my cheek. I can feel the world spinning out of control and feeling so hopelessly alone I want to end it all.   
  
His lips meet mine.   
  
The world disappears.   
  
I begin to fall.   
  
Slowly and steadily into darkness and bliss.   
  
Don't let it end.  
  
~Preview~  
  
"No, Carter and I are just friends. You two, well, I'm not sure what the hell you two are." Susan's right, we aren't 'just friends.' We can never be 'just friends,' not after this, not after four kisses. Hell, we couldn't even after the first. Its impossible. We're impossible. 


	15. Open Wounds

Authors Note- A crap load of review responses, a preview, some angst, some fuzz, some tongue action, and a lotta fun. Enjoy the chapter:)  
  
Chapter Fifteen  
  
I refuse to break the kiss, the connection I have to this women is unbelievable... I haven't felt this way about anyone since, Rebecca. I bring my hand up to her face, brushing my fingers across her cheek lightly. I feel her grip her fingers around my neck, gaining easier access to my mouth. I stand up a bit, leaning against the table. Her tongue plays across my lips, I oblige, astonished that she hasn't pushed me away yet. Her tongue ventures further into my mouth, I begin to stand up, she follows suit, as we deepen the kiss...  
  
"Holy shit!" Suddenly I'm being pushed off of her, not with tons of force, but enough to send me back a bit. We both snap our heads to the side, to see an open mouth Susan, staring at us in disbelief. Abby walks further away from me. She is pushing herself away, both physically and emotionally.   
  
"I can explain-" Abby stammers quickly, Susan brushes it off by walking over to the fridge and opening it up.   
  
"Meh, don't worry about it. People kiss." Her voice laced with scepticism, I know I'll be getting the third degree later, as will Abby, I presume. Abby stares at her for a second longer, tension filling the room, like hot air filling a balloon. I can sense she is getting ready to bolt, its what she does best, hell, its what I do best. She quickly turns, to look at me, Susan back is still too us. I eye her suspiciously, noticing every antsy move she makes. She shoves a lock of hair behind her ears, while chewing on her lip. I gesture with my head for us to leave, but she doesn't respond. Susan's shifting grabs our attention, as she turns around to face us. "Okay, I know I interrupted something, but I didn't know you two were this into each other." Her eyes dart between me and Abby.  
  
"That's cause we're not." Abby fibs, great, here we go again. More lies, more hiding. Not that I don't love it, Abby, but I just want to be with you, why can't you let me be with you? I roll my eyes at her, and she manages to bite her tongue, just as it makes its way between her two lips. "We're just friends." She shrugs turning to Susan.  
  
"No, Carter and I are just friends. You two, well, I'm not sure what the hell you two are." Susan's right, we aren't 'just friends.' We can never be 'just friends,' not after this, not after four kisses. Hell, we couldn't even after the first. Its impossible. We're impossible. Abby, shrugs Susan off, yet again, and dashes towards the door, running out of here, as fast as her tiny hooves will take her. I've never been one for complicated relationships, but I think I'm knee deep in one, and I keep on digging myself further, and further into the grave. Susan turns to me after a second of silence, after she has fully formulated a way to quiz me on Abby and I. She will come up with some slick way of asking, beating around the bush, so to speak.  
  
"So are you guys a couple?" Or maybe not.   
  
"Uh-" Is all I can say, she thinks I'm hiding it from her, trying to keep her in the dark. Well, no. Not in this case. Maybe with other things, like the time Sebastian broke the head off of her favourite childhood doll. But this river runs deeper then broken dolls.   
  
"Come on Carter, you were caught making out with my best friend. The day before your blind date with my other friend." I look at her, she actually set that up? I actually have to go out with this women. She obviously catches my hesitance. "Don't worry I'm calling it off now." She says bitterly, I look at her for a moment, she glares back at me.  
  
"What?" Scoffing, she sits down at the table. I join her, wanting to know what the problem is. For some reason I thought she would be happy, over joy, thrilled.   
  
"Look, its just-" I motion with my hands to continue. "You two have both been through so much. Your wife has died. Her child hood was hell, so was yours. Its just, I don't know- I- You're my two best friends. And thought of either one of you getting hurt scares the hell out of me. The thought of you hurting each other-" She grimaces, as she continues her ramblings. "Its not right John. You have two little children to think about. She has her whole fu-" I shake my head, its not like that. Its not like that at all. I need her, I just- I haven't felt this way about someone in a long time. I don't know what I will do with out her. "Are you sure you're not just using each other." This grabs my attention completely. Using? "Yeah, for support. No real attraction, just something, or rather, someone, to hold onto." I stare at her, well, its not that way for me. If it was that way for me, I would have grabbed onto someone long before now. I've had the chance, but I can't speak for Abby. Right now, I wish I could. Susan words flood me, they take me over completely. It can't be true, but hell, maybe it could. Susan stares at me, as I focus on anything but her. I try washing the words out, forgetting them. It doesn't work like that. She keeps pushing me away, but she keeps bringing me back. Back, for what reason? For support, knowing I'll always be there, she doesn't really need me. She just needs someone to hang onto. Great, this is the last thing I need. My eyes meet Susan's once again, and she smiles weakly. Yeah, thanks a lot Susan. I push past her and out the door. I spot Abby immediately, the only thing I can think of to do is grab her, so I do exactly that. She looks thrown off at first, but this doesn't stop me. I can feel eyes on me, I don't care. I drag her into the exam room, throwing her to the side. My violent outburst seems to surprise her.  
  
"What the hell John." She says shakily, trying to compose herself. I stare at her, our eyes meet for a brief moment, before she tears hers away, focusing on some miniscule thing in the corner. She looks nervous and comfortable, two things she's never really been in front of me. My stomach churns, I know I can only do one thing; confront her.   
  
"Why are you doing this?" My voice comes out harsher then intended, she gives me a questioning look in response, so I continue on. "Are you just using me? Means of support, when you get weak. Someone to hold onto?" I spit the words at her. She shrugs at me, in a guilty manner. I shake my head, the pain taking me over. I guess I should have listened to myself from the beginning. I am knee deep in her, somehow I have to get away. Dig myself out of the hole.   
  
"John-" Her voice comes out soothingly, she tries to continue, but I can't let her. I throw the door open, and leave. Completely. I run out of the hospital, the fall air hitting me smack in the face. I try to breathe, but I can't. I can't breathe anymore. I can't think. Nothing is clear, everything is muddled, hazed. I can't see straight, I don't know what's going on anymore. Everything that was once clear, focused, has now been blurred, taken out of view. I stand there for what seems like ages, people rushing past, none having any real affect on me. I try to breathe, I can't. My body feels tight, the world spins around me. Everything comes crashing down, all at once. I never should have come back here. I never should have let Rebecca leave the house that day. I never should have met Abby. I never should have invited her over that day. I never should have kissed her. I never should have cared... I never...  
  
~*~  
  
"You're home!" Maddie leaps up into my arms. I clutch her tiny body close to me, as she rambles into my ear about her exciting day. I carry her into the kitchen, setting her down on the counter as I rifle through the fridge. Nothing catching my attention. Nothing looking appealing. The only appealing thing is my bed for the rest of my life. Never leaving again. I try to forget Abby, every where I look I seem to see her. Including my own fridge. Where Sebastian had drawn a picture of the family, and it includes her. I stare at it for a moment, her hand in mine. Even a child's drawing can make me see how foolish I was. To think anything could have happened, I should have known better. "Daddy-" Maddie sings. I look at her, her face in mine. I smile grimly at her. "Seb made the picture." I carry her out of the kitchen, saying good bye to the babysitter on the way to her room. Laying her down on the bed, she pulls me down for one last hug, and I leave the room letting her sleep.   
  
I run my fingers through my hair, as I walk down the stairs. I can't get her off my mind. She consumes me, the way she smiles, how she bites her bottom lip when she gets nervous, or is trying to fight back her tears. I shake my head, trying to dispose of any Abby like thoughts. Its hopeless. Maybe I'm giving up on her, giving up on us. Well, that is what she will assume. I just don't know anymore. I thought that it would be harder then this, to get back into the dating world, so to speak. To find someone. I walk into the kitchen, preparing to attack the huge stack of charts, that has cumulated in front of me, the doorbell rings, putting my plans on hold. I drag myself there, swinging the door open.  
  
"Abby." She smiles at me. Not her usual shy smile, a huge flirty smile. I look at her for a second not really sure what's going on here.   
  
"Hey... Carter." She pushes past me, her finger runs along my chest, her eyes sparkle. Her voice, low and seductive. What the hell? This isn't the Abby I know. The Abby who would shove me off of her. I watch as she bites on her lip, then smiles again.  
  
"What are you doing here, Abby?" She closes the distance in between us, moving her hands to my chest, once again. She slowly undoes my buttons, looking at me seductively. I watch her, her eyes glisten up at me. Okay, she is definitely different. Slowly she moves her lips up to mine, she presses hers against me, slowly parting my lips with her tongue. Ah, that's what's different. I move my hands to her waist, and pull her off of me. She looks at me puzzled. "You're drunk." I sigh, everything is coming together now. What, does she have to be drunk to want to be with me?   
  
"I thought this is what you wanted?" Her hands find my belt buckle, I move my hands down to her wrist, stopping her from going any further.   
  
"And this is exactly what you don't want."   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
Kayla- Heh, well we can't have them get together too easily. I'm flattered you think our story is great :)...  
  
x-dramaqueen-x- LOL, we try to update everyday.  
  
Jessie- Hey, Yeah, we mostly do AU stories, although we did do one together, thats still inm progress called bittersweet regrets.  
  
Glad you're liking the fic.   
  
Kayla- They're could be more of those ;)  
  
smilez4eva- We might get into Maddie a little more... Not really sure.  
  
smilez4eva- Hmmm... Abby crumbling.. it could happen lol.  
  
JanBry- Yay... Tense is good. Thanks for reading and reviewing.  
  
Fran- Haha, I'm glad you got a kick outta us torturing carter... its fun:D... Don't worry we will slowly get into each and every aspect of their lives... Probably a bit more into why Maddies a little terror too...  
  
march- Happy Abby is coming soon to a theatre near you!!!:P  
  
Kayla- Thank yah:D...  
  
~Preview~  
  
Except it would be nice if he wasn't standing a few feet away from me in a towel and soaking wet. The droplets of water drip down his toned body and I can name a few hundred positions we can try on these silk sheets. 


	16. Hashing it out

Authors Note- I answered your reviews at the bottom. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, thanks a lot!!!  
  
Rating- R... R content in this chapter.   
  
Disclaimer- Not ours, never have been... Never will be- Well, maybe... We can always wish!!!  
  
Chapter Sixteen  
  
I open my eyes to the harsh light breaking through the blinds. I begin to feel the throbbing pain in my head and my eyes register my surroundings. My heart stops beating. I'm not in my apartment. I'm not in my bedroom. I'm not in my bed. The contrasting dark paint to the mahogany wood makes me realize I'm not in Kansas anymore. And I definitely do not have Toto to keep me company. I turn onto my back, and the throbbing in my head starts up again. I look around the room. What happened? Have I died and gone to heaven? The dark blue silk sheets and soft pillows support my claim. All I would want right now is a bottle of water and some Tylenol. Now if I could just conjure up a prince charming and the afterlife would be good. I lie back down against the soft covers. Wait. I look under the covers. I'm still fully-clothed. Okay. So it can't be that bad. Although feeling these sheets on bare flesh wouldn't have been so bad. I hear a slight knocking at the door and the wooden panel swings open. I raise my head to look back at who it is. I instantly want to sink back into the covers and never show my face again. I start to slowly sit up. I have to face the music sometime. Except it would be nice if he wasn't standing a few feet away from me in a towel and soaking wet. The droplets of water drip down his toned body and I can name a few hundred positions we can try on these silk sheets. The world around me begins to spin and I lay back down.   
  
"How do you feel?" I start to open my mouth, but nothing comes out except for a loud moan. Yes, the hangover is setting in. I curl to my left and pull the comforter around my body. The springs signal to me that he's sitting down on the mattress. I look up at him and he wipes away the strands of hair in front of my eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry..." Words are starting to come out. This is a good sign. Well maybe not. He's going to make me talk now.   
  
"Advil's on the corner table." I nod my head and he starts to stand up. I reach out towards him and grab his arm. I pull him back onto the bed and his face closer towards me. I run my fingers over his newly-shaved face and indulge in the sweet scent of shampoo and soap. I pull his lips towards me and gently run my tongue over them. I start the kiss, soft and slow, testing my boundaries, how far he is willing to go. He starts to push onto the bed, he's working his way on top of me. I run my hand over his chest, brushing away the beads of water. Stupid surface tension. My hand goes lower and lower, the towel is slowly falling down. My hand hesitates a little before skimming over the ever-growing lump under the luscious cream-coloured towel. My clothes come off in a matter of minutes. Our bodies are intertwined under the covers, skin against skin, I need him like I've never needed anyone before in my life. I feel his tongue against my breast... His body against mine... Him slipping into me...   
  
The annoying knocking on the door causes aching pain that shoots through my body. My eyes dart open and I try to erase any recollection of the dream I've just had. I look around the room. It wasn't a dream. The dark blue walls match the mahogany furniture and the bedspread is soft as silk. I close my eyes, my heart racing with every second. What am I doing here? What kind of an idiot have I made of myself this time? The door swings open, and I see him enter. He's fully clothed, in black pants and a pale blue shirt. He walks towards me, a glass of water and two pills in hand. He sets the things on the side table, avoiding all eye contact with me. I second that motion. The only thing I can see right now is his body without the clothes. I close my eyes and sink back into the bedspread. This isn't right. I shouldn't be here, burdening him. I don't' even know why I turned to him. It seemed like the best thing to do, but right now I know it was the worst thing.   
  
"Carter... I'm sorry.." I manage to choke out the words, but he doesn't even acknowledge me.   
  
"I'm taking the kids to school. I'll be back in about twenty minutes." He walks out the door, quickly slipping a belt around his waist. I lean up and look across to the mirror in front of me. I'm a complete wreck, completely sick of myself. My hair falls every which way around my scattered head. My eyes encompass deep circles, my eyes themselves bloodshot. Streams from salty tears cried within the night leave their mark against my face. I run my hand through my hair, nothing will fix me. I don't deserve to be here.   
  
I wish I could remember what happened last night, but it all blurs together into one big mess. I lie my pounding head down against the pillows and inhale his scent. This is his bedroom. This is the closest I'm going to get to being with him, so might as well prolong the moment. The reality of the situation makes me want to cry and I quickly get up before the tears start falling. I start towards his bathroom, which is adjacent to his bedroom. I turn on the scalding water and quickly shed my clothes. I step under the facet and let the warm water take away some of the pain. Why do I always do this to myself? I'm sick of myself. I shouldn't be alive. I quickly finish my shower and step out, grabbing a fresh towel from the pile. I dry myself off and take his robe from it's hanging place on the back of the door and tie it tightly around my waist.   
  
I make my way down the stairs and somehow manage to make it to the kitchen. I find a mug and pour myself a freshly brewed cup of coffee. I sit down at the counter and slowly sip the dark brown liquid as I watch the sun rise over the small lake. Another beautiful day that I don't' deserve to be a part of. I hear the door slam shut and footsteps leading closer and closer to me. I make eye contact with him but he only glares at me. I can tell he isn't too happy about me being here. I don't blame him.   
  
"Carter..." I watch him walk over to the patio doors and open then, letting fresh air circulate through the room.   
  
"Don't. I don't want to hear it." He walks over the pot and pours himself a cup. He's distancing himself away from me more and more.   
  
"John.." My words seem to have no effect on him, he simply disregards them.   
  
"Don't apologize. I don't want to hear it.... Just... Just make me a promise?" I run my hand through my damp hair. I take a deep breathe and I have a feeling I know what is going to happen.  
  
"Yeah?" I shoot a look down at my coffee. I can't bare to look at him. The damage that is about to be caused will be permanent.   
  
"Promise me you will stay out of my life outside of work?" I nod my head obediently and start to get up. There's no point in discussing this, he knows what he wants. I trudge up the stairs and search for my discarded clothes. I quickly change and make myself look somewhat presentable. I grab my purse and shift down the stairs, toward the door. He's standing there, as if waiting for me to leave so he can go on living his life. I reach for the handle, and let the door swing open. He stops me for a second, his hand rests against my face, his thumb brushing over my cheek. He stops himself. I know he does. I don't care. I've fought back emotions and I've also forced them. I start out the door and it slams as soon as I get out. Another mess I've gotten myself into. Another heartbreak I will have to nurse. Another reason for me not to be on this planet. I start the long journey toward my empty apartment, toward my hopeless life, wanting to get away from myself.   
  
~Review Responses~ (If I missed you, sorry, but I will have it in the next chapter!)  
  
Robin- Yay... We update daily, so you can read this everyday:)...   
  
Kayla- Angst lasts for a while, heh, but its not really bad angst. I duno, well it is. But... You'll just haev to see:)  
  
trish- No you're the best:) lol, glad you enjoy the fic.   
  
smilez4eva- Thanks!  
  
~Preview~  
  
"You're a drunk," it comes out as more of a statement, a clarification. She stands up slowly, her eyes meeting mine.   
  
"What do you care? You said you didn't want me in your life-" She spits, her voice heavy with anger, tears on their way down her cheeks. 


	17. Reality

Authors Note- Okay, So I switched the rating back from R, to PG 13, cause I feel its suitable, maybe pushing the line a bit. If I feel there is something in a chapter some people may not want to read, I will warn everyone. I will rate the individual chapters on what I think they rank as, but most are PG 13... Thanks for the reviews!!!  
  
Rating- PG 13 There is language so I am warning you of that.  
  
"Is it just me, or does this damn stack of charts seem to grow by the second?" I look at Susan, who laughs then rolls her eyes at me.  
  
"The joys of being an ER doc." She says dryly. True, very true. Especially a County ER Doctor. I throw my last chart on top of the towering stack. One more and it will be tumbling to the floor. I straighten it out then sit down on the gurney. Susan watches me, she's going to start talking any second now, and I am not sure I want to listen to what she has to say. I pick up the first chart, skimming over it. I look up at her, our eyes meeting. "You know, people are going to suspect something if we are alone in an exam room together."   
  
"You probably want them too." I roll my eyes. Yeah, all I need is more rumours circulating about me at this damn hospital. I already have people whispering about Abby and myself. The rumour mills were in full throttle when Rebecca died. The whispers seemed so distant yet so loud, during that period. Everything was so jumbled, so confusing, I thought I was finally getting things together, then in waltz Abby in all her glory. She is definitely one to go to if you want trouble. She can't keep her own damn life together. "So, how's Abby?" She asks nonchalantly, as she plops down beside me on the gurney. That's Susan for yah, one to bring up something at the absolute worst time.   
  
"I don't know. You should probably ask her if you want to know." I dead pan. She rolls her eyes then swats my arm. "Look Susan-" I start but she cuts me off.  
  
"Its complicated?" She says sarcastically. All I need right now is her intruding ways, and sarcasm.  
  
"No. Exact opposite actually. We have nothing. Nothing at all. Its that simple. We are two separate people, leading two separate lives." She looks shocked. Why shouldn't she? It completely contradicts what I told her yesterday. But yesterday I didn't know better. I thought Abby was this women who could complete me. Turns out its the exact opposite. She'll only bring me down, drag me into her pool of misery, she'll take my children with her, that's the last thing I need. I can feel my muscles tense just thinking about her. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be less bitter about her. But right now is not a good time for her to be near me. Especially after last night, coming to my house drunk, when my children are there? How fucking selfish do you have to be to do that... She's not the type of person I want to be around. I misread her. I misread her intentions, she can go back to relying on Susan, because I'm through. I'm not going to be someone she fucks around with when the time is right. I need more from a relationship then that. She wants all take. That's not how it goes.   
  
"What?" She looks thrown, I just take a deep breath and prepare to continue. I might as well tell her, she will just get the condensed version from Abby. The lies, everything she's conjured up to make me look bad.   
  
"She showed up at my place drunk last night, she was looking for sympathy, Susan. Something she will not get from me." I turn my gaze away from hers the minute I finish. Focusing on my work.   
  
"Huh." She says, I look up to see her shaking her head. "She was drinking?" I nod, "You gave her no sympathy?" I agree again, why should I? She doesn't deserve it. "She's alcoholic Carter." She says flatly. "Yeah, her mother and brother are both bi polar. She raised her brother, who is only a few years younger then her. She had a shitty childhood. She was in a loveless marriage, followed by a loveless relationship with Luka. She found comfort in you. She really did. Abby doesn't open up to many people, hell she just started opening up to me this year. She took an instant liking to you, but no, you just act like a complete jerk." The words hit me like a thousand knives. I can't breathe. I feel as though my lungs are collapsing in on me. "You do have a reason to be upset. She is taking, she's relying on you for support, not giving you any back, but don't shut her out Carter. Don't be heartless. Cause I know you, and you're a nice guy." She stares at me for a second before finishing off. "At least I thought I knew you." She shakes her head, then leaves the room. Leaving me alone with my thoughts, which at this point, can be a dangerous thing. More secrets, she never told me any of this. Maybe she would have with time. I just don't know anymore. I throw my pen down, flopping down on the gurney. Great, this is just great, fucking great.   
  
~*~  
  
The day is done. I have been pushing this moment all day, I even begged Pratt to cover the end of my shift for me. That was a big mistake. I leave the hospital, my tired feet dragging against the cement, the cool breeze running through my hair, the sweat slowly subsiding. The streets are completely deserted, except for one person. The lone soul sits on the bench, her feet swaying with the wind. I watch as her hairs dance in the air, her eyes lost and hollow.   
  
"Hey." I stand behind her, she doesn't turn around, she knew who it was before I even opened my mouth. She shakes her head, pulling the loose strands of hairs down and behind her ears.   
  
"Hi." She whispers it, she doesn't bother to turn around, I don't bother to move closer. I watch as she nervously picks at the bench, the fraying would coming off in her tiny fingers, she breaks them, tossing them to the ground.   
  
"You're a drunk," it comes out as more of a statement, a clarification. She stands up slowly, her eyes meeting mine.   
  
"What do you care? You said you didn't want me in your life-" She spits, her voice heavy with anger, tears on their way down her cheeks.   
  
"You know, you're something else. You show up at my apartment completely trashed, and act as though I am the bad one. You rip my heart out of my chest-" I'm yelling now, she is not going to take it, a look of determination, strewn across her face.  
  
"You ended it Carter. You didn't listen to me, you didn't hear me out." She says taking a step closer. I didn't end it. She's the one who pulled away from every kiss, covered every emotion with a false smile. I was honest with her, she couldn't do the same for me. All I heard were endless lies, during our short lived romance, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.   
  
"Right, right. Yeah, its all on me. Its always someone else's fault, never yours Abby, I'm sick of it. I'm fucking sick of it."   
  
"You already got rid of me. So if you're so fucking sick of it, why the hell are you here?" Because I can't imagine my life without you, you're everything to me. You complete me. You're the one I need, the reason I look forward to going to work, the reason I haven't quit yet. You consume me, take my over, when you cry so do I, when you laugh I can't help but laugh. Even when I don't understand the joke. When I see you with my son I know it was meant to be, I know you are the perfect one for me. I will do anything to be with you. Earlier was just a mistake, a moment of rage, we all have them and that was mine, that was my moment. I could never be mad at you for long. You frustrate me. You don't know how great you really are, you close yourself off to the world, never letting anyone in. Only a privileged few, I got to be one of those. I wrecked it.   
  
I can't say any of this. I just watch her. She looks at me for answers, for anything. All I manage to do is choke over my unsaid words. She shakes her head. "Great... I should have known not to trust you." She laughs bitterly. Why am to blame all of the sudden?   
  
"Yeah, that's how it is Abby, I gave up on you. You're the one who didn't want a relationship with me to begin with. Okay? See, its you!" I shout at her, not exactly what I wanted to tell her, but I guess it will have to do. "You're the one who blocked me out, who was so fucking selfish-" A tear makes its way down her cheek.  
  
"Fuck you, Carter." She screeches at me through sobs. Her hands push her hair way from her face, the tears are flowing down her cheeks now, to add to this lovely scene, a light rain has fallen. I watch as she stands there, vulnerable, crying. "Just fuck you, fuck you." She whispers it, taking a step away from me. Her voice breaking. "I-" She stops herself, yeah like she could admit to loving or even being attracted to someone. Honesty is impossibility for her.   
  
"I can't-" I try to say something, but just like her, I am at a loss for words.   
  
"I'm granting your wish. I'm leaving. You never have to see me again." She leaves. Its as simple as that. She's gone. Here last statement echoes through my head. Knowing Abby, that doesn't mean switching hospitals. That means something a lot more drastic. I take off after her.   
  
~Review Responses~ (If I didn't get to your review in this chapter... I will in the next!)  
  
smilez4eva- No.. Not a happy chapter :(  
  
~Preview~  
  
He grabs me once again, fighting the rain, the wind, the forces. Both arms are effected by his grip, holding on tighter than he had before. I feel like the flow of blood to my hands has stopped. I can still get away. I have to get away. I can't love him. I simply can't. 


	18. Standing Still

Authors Note- Sorry about the lack of updates recently. I was away, and my computer is screwed up... So I'm sorry... The updates could be rare this week.. Maybe one or two, depending on my computer.. I have no review responses in this one, I while try my best (no promises) to get some up for the next chapter... Tahnks for them all though!!!  
  
Chapter Eighteen   
  
The rain suddenly comes pounding down, as if all of it was being held together and someone pulled a cord. The lighting crashing, thunder booming, hail pounding down. A sign from the heavens that I'm not supposed to be here at all. The wind rips at everything, making the world around me move from its stable position. The rain suddenly turns to a mix of hail and water, ever drop falling faster and faster biting into my bare skin. I feel a hand grab me from behind, burning into my skin, trying to hurt me more than the forces ever could. He doesn't want me in his life. It's okay with me. He wants me completely gone. I understand. I'm far from blaming him. His grip on me tightens by the second, but the water helps me get away from him. Helps cleanse me of his touch, his taste, him. The lighting cracks sending a stream of light through the sky, making the world suddenly go dark. I feel the scars and bruises forming on my arm from his touch, the blood mixes with the rain and washes down the stream, dissolving into nothing. I feel nothing but the pain. The physical burning. I'm still running, I need to get away. I can't let this happen. He can't change his mind, he shouldn't. I can't change my mind. It was meant to happen, I was meant to die tonight.   
  
He grabs me once again, fighting the rain, the wind, the forces. Both arms are effected by his grip, holding on tighter than he had before. I feel like the flow of blood to my hands has stopped. I can still get away. I have to get away. I can't love him. I simply can't. I shouldn't either. I'd only mess up his life more so. I just wanted to feel loved again, like I belonged to someone. I wanted to feel the rush during a kiss and the warmth during the night. It wasn't meant for me. None of it was meant for me. I hear him calling my name under the pound of the rain and the roar of the thunder. The wind sweeps it off to another island, far from here. Far from the destruction that I've caused.   
  
"Abby... Abby! Please..." His words get swept away from me, they mean nothing. A bitter prick of the needle with every syllable. I try to fight him off, he won't let go. I'm pulling him, he's holding on. His grip loosens and tightens with the distances, yet I can't get rid of him. I can see the streetlight, the sidewalk out of the ambulance bay, but I can't get there. He's like a rock, fettered to me to prevent me from going any further. Just like I'm simply dead weight to him. I finally make to the clearing. I can break away from him. I can shake him off, slip right through his fingers. It would be the best end for both of us. Quick and painless. I rivet my body in a circle and my flesh is left hanging on his fingers. My blood swarms down my arms, a warm trickling in contrast to the cold rain. I start to run. I need to get away. I have to get away. From the pain, the suffering, to the end. Run until I can't see, can't breathe, can't live. I get off the curb, refusing to look backward, ignoring to look forward.   
  
A split second.   
  
A screeching halt.   
  
Weightlessness.  
  
Crack.   
  
Blackness....  
  
I hear my name being called, and I open my eyes. A small, warm body curls up next to me in the bed. She pushes my hair out of my face, and gives me a small smile. Who is she? Where am I? I look around, the room looks familiar, yet strangely the opposite. The dark colors are gone, and the room is bright and light. A smell of fresh flowers drifts through the room, and I take a closer look at the girl in front of me. Her dark brown hair cascades to her shoulders; she wears a white sundress. She looks so familiar. I turn around, searching for anything that might remind me of where I am. The sun shines through the window; the birds sing a tune in harmony. The sun. A sharp contrast of the rain. The rain. The thunder, the darkness, the pain. Where am I?   
  
"Mummy.... You promised we could go for a walk..." I squint my eyes, looking back at the girl. She looks so familiar, almost a spitting image of someone I've seen before. I run my hand through my hair, long and flowing. I look at the mirror across on the dresser. I look younger, almost alive. The dark bags under my eyes that I thought I would never get rid of are gone. I'm not the same Abby. What is happening?   
  
"Mummy..." The little child digs her head onto my chest, and wraps her arms around my neck. I start to sit up. I look at her, in her eyes. She simply smiles a big grin and quickly starts to laugh.   
  
"Who are you?" She starts to laugh even louder. She's no older than six or seven, her petite frame tells me so. Her green eyes hold so much charisma and energy, so much love, so much life.   
  
"Don't be silly mummy... I told you I was sorry about breaking the glass..." I shake my head, trying to sort out the world in front of me. I push her hair back and she starts to smile again, lying down in my arms. She kisses me on the cheek and I see the small silver necklace resting on her collar. I push to read the inscription.   
  
Zoey.   
  
My heart stops beating.   
  
My lungs are not working.   
  
Zoey.   
  
Life.  
  
The life I never had.   
  
She looks so familiar.  
  
She looks like me.   
  
She was a part of me.   
  
Zoey.   
  
The only name I ever liked.   
  
She pulls me towards the edge of the bed and I begin to stand up. I check to see if I still can, and the world is like walking on thin air, soft and comfortable. She continues to pull me incessantly with her hand. I follow her. The rooms are in all bright colors, flowers, books lining the walls, in perfect order. Everything is almost perfect. She lets go of my hand and runs off to presumable her room. I walk towards the flapping white curtains and slowly step through them. The sun shines against a clear blue sky. The wind laps gently at my face. The shore is underneath me, looking out towards a gorgeous view. Simple blue water and nothing else. I walk back into the home and an eager face meets mine. She takes my hand in hers again and quickly shoots out the door.   
  
"Mummy! Come on!" I start to laugh, I feel alive. I pick my little angel into my arms and swing her around. I place a kiss on her forehead and I hold her in my arms.   
  
"I'm sorry..." She gives me a kiss on the lips and rests her head on my shoulder.   
  
"I dunno what you did mummy, but I forgive you." I smile and hold her closer to me.   
  
"I love you!" Her voice chases everything away from me, all the doubts I had about what was going on.   
  
"I love you too, baby. I love you too." I shut the door and start out towards the outside world. 


	19. Telling the tale

Authors Note- Again, no review responses, maybe in tomorrows update... But thanks for all the reviews... we love them!!! This is my chapter, it doesn't match up to the last chapter, cause Liby's an amazing writer and that was an awesome chapter... Oh, and you will soon find out more information... like Becca's death and a few other things...   
  
Disclaimer- Not ours.  
  
Chapter Nineteen  
  
It sits there. The sun bouncing off the metal frame, a picture of perfect bliss. Every morning when I open my eyes, its there. Staring back at me. Forcing me, pushing me, begging to go on. If not for myself, for them. To watch them grow into the beautiful human beings we intended them too, the moment we made them. Everything about her is perfect, everything. I don't think I have ever met anyone quite like her. Even now that she's gone, I can still feel her presence. As creepy as it sounds, I believe it. I reach out to touch the picture, the sun has dulled it, worn it out. But still, it mesmerizes me, just as she did.   
  
"Daddy-" I look over my shoulder, tears streak her chubby face. I watch as she walks towards me, her hair bouncing on her shoulders. Slowly she climbs onto my bed, the mattress creaking eerily, with every movement of her tiny frame. I encompass her in my arms, as sobs take over her. I close my eyes tightly, fighting back the tears that threaten to fall. Why does this feel so real, so... "She's gone too..." Her voice slowly dies. So repetitive? I've seen this before, I've done this before, I've been down this road before. I didn't want to do it then, and I don't want to do it now. I can't. I can't wake up every morning dreaming of her too, wondering, hoping. Becca and I had something. She and I never got our chance. Maybe we didn't deserve one. I hold onto my daughter, refusing to believe the truth. It can't be happening. She pulls away, her blood shot eyes looking into my own. I brush the last tears away, as she bites down on her bottom lip, trying to stop the tears that flow down her cheeks.   
  
"Hey, hey, you don't know that..." Maybe I am saying this more for me then I am for her. More to stop the pain, the guilt. Just to stop everything. Why is it every time I love something, someone, it leaves me. I look at my daughter, stare at her, memorizing every detail, the way her eyes change colour in the winter, how her hair falls around her face. Will she leave me too? Why not, everyone else has, everyday I try to love her less, thinking that maybe if I don't get to attached she won't leave. Its silly. I know it is. But I can't help it. I feel like a disease. Someone who brings pain.   
  
She sniffles for a moment, watching me. "Yes I do. Mommy left." She holds my gaze, I expect to see a flicker of emotion, hear feeling in her little voice. Nothing. Her voice is strong, steady, emotionless. She has done exactly what I have done. Pushed people away out of fear. I let Abby go. I pushed her away, I used stupid reasons to mask the real pain, the real reason's why she can't be mine. Maddie has done the same thing. I bring her close to me, breathing her in. Promising, a silent promise, to never let her go. Yah, I'm the corny father, the one who is just realising he spent three years of his life lying to himself. Lying to his kids. I kiss her cheek. The salty tears still on her skin.   
  
"I love you, Madison." I whisper it, I know she hears it. A lone cheer trickles down my cheek, with it, it takes my lies, my fears, my doubts... My pain. I have to be there for my children. She pulls away from me, I pull at her hair, smiling. I see her mother in her, the way she laughs, her smile. Everything. She's her mothers daughter. True to the saying.   
  
"Abby's not mommy." I say it in one breath. Clarifying it for her, for myself. She's not Rebecca, she's different. She's wonderful. She just doesn't know that. She doesn't know what she has, she doesn't know what she could offer to this world, to me. If only she would let me love her. If only she would let herself love me. She might not be Rebecca, but for Abby that's a good thing. I don't need Rebecca, I have my Rebecca. I smile back down at Maddie before scooping her up into my arms. She buries her little head into my shoulder. Yah, she's my world. I know Becca would be proud, she's smiling down on us.   
  
"Let's go get Sebastian." She holds onto me tighter, like if she lets go I will evaporate into thin air. Don't worry baby, I'm not going anywhere. I'll never leave you.   
  
"Okay." Her voice muffled, quiet. "I never hated Abby, daddy." I stop for a second, I knew it all along, but hearing her say it is something different. I know. She isn't capable of hate. She's only capable of being afraid. The walls she built up at the tender age of seven, are slowly dissolving, only time will tell if I can break in there completely. Free her.   
  
"I know."   
  
~*~  
  
The door opens with a thud. Her eyes meet mine, in the silence we speak the same words. I bring her body close to mine. Holding her closely. Her sobs escape, finally. She's been holding them in. Sometimes I think I know her better than I know myself, I know how beautiful and strong she is. Her nails dig into my back, screaming out her pain. Her loss.   
  
"Shhh..." One of the most unsoothing sounds, yet its the only comfort I can think to bring to her.   
  
"Don't worry Susan, she's not mommy." Susan diverts her gaze from me to Maddie. Yeah, she actually has hope, get use to it. She looks at me again. I nod, Susan pulls Maddie into a hug, and I go in search of my wayward son.  
  
Just as I thought, he's sprawled out on the bed watching cartoons. Its Saturday morning, what five year old boy isn't? His smile widens as he sees me. He waves, then directs his gaze back to the television. I sit down beside him. Not sure how to broach this subject. I've done it before, but it never becomes easy, or something you incorporate into your list of skills. No matter how many families I have spoken to in situations like this it never becomes easy. Especially not when you are speaking to your own child. Your own child whose had more heartbreaks in five years, then some have in a lifetime. I hope its anything but an omen for his life. I pull his tiny frame into my lap. He reluctantly agrees, I reach for the remote, trying to pry it out of his fist. He won't allow it. Turning around, he glares at me.   
  
"DAD!" He snaps, surprising me. Not often does Seb get upset, but I guess threatening to axe the cartoons will do it. I manage to wrestle the remote out of his sweaty palms, and switch the television off. "I was watching that!" He sasses. I could see that, but sometimes life and death are more important. Try explaining that to a five year old. Try explaining that to a four year old who just lost her mother. Tell her that the one thing that provided constant comfort in her life is gone. Its the hardest thing to do. I don't wish it upon anyone else. I hold him close to me, he soon settles down, resting his head against my chest. The pounding evident to even me.   
  
"Sebastian, I need to tell you something very important." He nods his head, and watches me. I try to piece together a sentence. Something that makes sense to his young mind. I hold him close to me, I can tell I am worrying him. He doesn't know yet, nor will he understand once he does know. He looks up at me again, expecting... "Abby-" I stop, I can't keep going. I can't do this too him. I can't smash the hopes and dreams he holds. He loves her. I was never really sure why, but he was drawn to her the moment he met her. They have some sort of connection. He runs his fingers along my jaw playfully. Then makes a running motion up my face. I grab his hand. This is serious. He stops, dead in his tracks. His eyes meet mine. He gets how serious this is. His hand slowly drops to his side, waiting for me to continue. "Honey, Abby got into an accident last night-" I pause, waiting for a reaction, he gives me none. "She was hurt very bad." I stop again, expecting him to clutch to me, tears running down his cheeks. But I guess he does not fully understand yet, or refuses to understand. "I don't think she's gonna wake up, kiddo." As if on cue, his tiny head starts shaking, and his fists slam against my chest. I hold him tightly, trying to take away his pain. It doesn't work. His tiny hands wrap around my neck.   
  
"She's not going to die like Mommy is she?" He pulls his head away from me. Our eyes meet. Suddenly my son seems older, beyond his short five years. I no longer see the little boy he plays with trucks, who pulls his sisters hair, I see a mature boy. Not too old. But one that is able to comprehend things no other five year old boy is. I don't know if I should be glad for this, or torn, that my son will not have the exact childhood I had hoped for him. He will not be the naive child every parent secretly wants.   
  
"Uh-" I try to answer, but I can't. I swallow, hard. The dryness in my throat, suddenly becoming apparent to me. I shake my head, and try again.   
  
"I don't- I-" He looks at me questioningly. "Sebastian, nothing- nothing is for sure right not, but... Abby is probably not going to wake up." He stares at me for a few moments, it seems as though, that has happened a lot lately.   
  
I pull him into my arms, I feel Maddie come into the room and hop onto the bed with us. I free one of my arms and place it around her tiny body. Who knows what's going to happen, but it probably won't be good.   
  
~Preview~  
  
"Mummy! You told me that when it rains, it means that someone that really loves you is crying." I pick her up into my arms and walk shielding her from the rain that I have a feeling I caused. I just don't know why or how. 


	20. Woulda, Coulda

Authors Note- Sorry, No reviews in this chapter either, I will do my best to get some up in tomorrows chapter. Anyways here is the next chapter, hope you enjoy.   
  
Disclaimer- Not ours.  
  
Rating- PG 13  
  
Summary- Abby and Carter met. They kissed. Then they decided they didn't want to be together. So they kissed again. Then again. But they still weren't together. Carter snapped at Abby, Abby to offense to his anger, thought he didn't want her, she ran away, got hit by a car......  
  
We start down on the wooden path towards the shore. The wind blows in the perfect direction. My hand is held tightly in hers. We walk in the silence of the water hitting against the bare shore. The warm sand slips in between my toes and sends me back to my childhood, the days at the lake that would let me relax and forget about my family, even if was only for a few moments. I see a figure rising out from the distance and Zoey's hand starts to wave. The figure is actual two people. A man and a woman, an older couple, yet all smiling.   
  
"Zoey, Dr. Lockhart. How are you today?" Zoey gives them on of her million dollar smiles and I give them a subtle one.   
  
"Good. And you?" The man puts his arms around his wife's shoulders.   
  
"Couldn't be better... Thank you once again for everything you've done for us." I wish I knew what he was talking about, I wish I knew where I was and who these people were. But I don't. I simply have to stay with the unmentioned.  
  
"You're welcome." Zoey attempts to wrap her arms around my waist, and settles her head into my thigh. My skirt flaps gentle in the wind, shielding her from the sun for a few seconds. Why do I never have any of these memories, yet they come to me? I would always watch the mothers and daughters; the special bonds they shared. I never had that with my mother. We were too different, I despised her. She hated me. I tied her down. She wanted to fly.  
  
"When you were the only doctor that could give us hope, we knew you were heaven sent. Thank you for giving us a second chance." When did I become a doctor? It had been on of my dreams. Yet I never had the chance to finish it. I never got to do the things I loved. Sometimes I would regret it, sometimes I just didn't care. I knew I had the potential to change people's lives, but I knew i would screw up somewhere along teh lines. Maybe I hadn't just yet. The woman reaches over and gives me a hug, so does the man. I gratefully return the gesture and Zoey starts to pull me away from the couple. They say a quick goodbye and Zoey and I begin walking back towards the path.   
  
The sky has begun to dim, the once clear sky has turned a ghastly grey. The clouds are heavy with signs of rain. We continue walking, this time under the trees, following the green path along the shore. Sure enough, the rain starts to fall, but not heavily. A gentle cascade; almost soothing. Zoey walks with a hop in her step, swinging my arm back and forth. "Mummy.. What did you do to make someone cry?" I shoot my daughter a puzzled look. She's my daughter. The unknown child I would think of in the middle of the night from time to time. The little face I would see when I would hold a newborn baby. The person I thought I would never meet.   
  
"Mummy! You told me that when it rains, it means that someone that really loves you is crying." I pick her up into my arms and walk shielding her from the rain that I have a feeling I caused. I just don't know why or how. We reach a patch of trees that are just beginning to blossom. The trees are covered in pink and white petals, littering the ground with them. It's like walking through a fairy land, or a forest. It's beautiful. Simply beautiful.   
  
"Our bench, mum! You almost passed it silly..." I give the little girl a kiss on the cheek and sit down on the bench. I look out at the shore and watch the rain tap on the water. We were perfectly protected under the trees. She lays her head down into my lap and I run my fingers up and down her cheek. I hear a bark in the distance and turn my head gently to see what it is. A golden retriever starts to run towards us and sits down in front of Zoey and she pets his mane. He pushes his head under my hand and I scratch his head. He lies down at my feet and Zoey begins to sit up. She stands up on the bench and looks back towards the direction where the dog came from. Her cheery little voice echoes through the park.  
  
"Becca!" I turn around and see a woman walking towards me. She has dark brown hair and sparkling blue eyes. She's so full of life, even from a distance. She radiates joy. She's wearing khaki Capri's and a sleeveless white top. She picks Zoey off the bench and gives her a kiss. She twirls her around and Zoey giggles with glee. She places her down on the grass.   
  
"Zoey, can you take Scruffy for a few minutes? Me and your mom have to talk for a sec."  
  
She nods her head quickly and calls the dog over to her side. If he stood on his hind legs he would be taller than her. I watch them go out towards the beach. The sky has cleared up and the sun came out again, almost instantly drying the surrounding world.   
  
"She's wonderful isn't she?" I nod my head and look back at the woman. The happiness quickly erased itself from her face, and she was starring out at deep waters.   
  
"You're not supposed to be here."  
  
The words fumble off her tongue carelessly, as if she hates me for what I've done, for all the reasons I ended up here. I still don't even know what here is anymore.   
  
"Where am I?" She runs her hand through her hair, and shakes her head as if dismissing the question.   
  
"You have the chance I never got." I look at her for an explanation but I get nothing. She stares out, the tears begin to flow. She quickly wipes them away. I watch Zoey lumber her way up the slope and she comes running towards me and I open my arms. She jumps into them and I receive another kiss.   
  
"Zoey, sweetie, you have to say good-bye to your mom." The world trigger something inside of me, holding on to her tighter and tighter, squeezing the life out of her. I can't leave her. I can't. I destroyed her.   
  
"Abby... It's not your time.. You still have a purpose." I start to shake my head, she stares at me lifelessly. I wish I knew what was going on. Where am I? What am I doing here? Why am I here? Who is she?   
  
"A purpose for what?" The tears begin to fill my eyes from frustration. I wish I could have my questions answered.  
  
"You'll know." I start to shake my head.   
  
"No." Zoey starts to push away from me, and I can't reach out and grab her, she's too far. She walks quickly into the woman's arms and she holds my daughter.   
  
"It's okay mummy... I love you. Becca will take care of me. She did before, too.." I wipe the tears from my eyes and hold on to my shaking body. The woman whispers something to Zoey and she takes her necklace off her neck and starts to hand it towards me. I take it and put it around my neck. It rests perfectly around my neck. The woman also takes something, a ring, and hands it to me. I take it in my hand and hold it for a while, not quite sure what she wants me to do with it.   
  
"Tell him that its time to let go." I look at her absolutely nonplussed. Tell whom its time to let go of what? I'm completely lost in an alien world, of strange faces and lost dreams.   
  
"Take care of them. Tell them I send my love." Who is this 'them' she speaks of? I don't want to go back. I don't know where I"m supposed to be going back to. Work? Another state? Another city? I wish I could figure it all out. I reach for them, but they are so far away. I can't reach them anymore. Everything begins to turn darker and blacker. The pain in my chest is starting to hurt. I can't breathe. The air isn't coming to my lungs. I can't feel my body. I have no control. Everything is starting to spin.  
  
Gasping for air.  
  
Wanting to breathe.   
  
Darkness.  
  
Blackness...  
  
My lungs burn.   
  
Pain pierces every part of my body.   
  
I want to go back.   
  
~Preview~  
  
"Sure." Its barley audible, but I hear it. I turn to leave, but she reaches out and grabs my arm one more time. "John... Grieve. Cry. Anything." She pleads. I shake my head, yeah, just like I grieved for Becca, or Bobby... What good does it do, it doesn't help me, it doesn't help my children. 


	21. reliving the past

Authors Note- Okay, my computer is slowly whithering away lol. I should be getting it fixed soon, so that could mean a few days without chapters. I will be calling to get that done next week sometime, so I am just for warning everyone... Anyways heres the next chapter. I was in an odd mood when I wrote this. Anyways, enjoy!  
  
Chapter Twenty One  
  
Death. The smell haunts me. Every day of my life I breathe it in, remembering her smell. Remembering the scent of her as she slowly withered away. Today I smell it again. Almost as strongly as that fateful day. It rips through me, pierces every part of me, I tingle, beads of sweat form. I stare at the door. That door, her door. I move my hands closer, shaking, each breath gets shallow, I can't do it. Its impossible. I can't see her like this, I can't see her. No. I push off my designated spot. I turn towards the elevator, I frantically press the buttons. Every sound getting louder, louder, echoing through me. I can hear the nurses whispering, ogling at me. The elevator comes to a halt, the doors open abruptly. I push past the exiting people throwing myself to the back corner. Free from everything. I can't do it. I can't see her like that. Running a shaky hand through my hair, I feel eyes on me. Boring into me.   
  
"You okay man?" I look over, Pratt. Pratt? I smile weakly, unconvincingly. I turn away slowly, I don't have to answer to him. I shake my head, my eyes set upon the dirty floor. I close my eyes, trying to forget it all. Trying to bury myself in my work. That's why I'm here, isn't it? To free myself of her. She's only a few floors above me. She's so close I can feel her, at the same time I know it will never be the same. She will never be the same. I crack my knuckles nervously, as the doors open to let us out. I rush ahead of Pratt. I can see him out of the corner of my eye, he turns and begins talking to Susan. Susan, the one person who won't let me be. She's the same now as she was then. When Becca died. When I held her limp body in my arms, her purple skin , her frail fingers laced in mine. Her last breath so short. Her glow, that glow she had about her. She lit up a room, at that moment, the life was dragged out of her. She hung on till the bitter end. Hope was scarce, yet we held onto every last thread.   
  
"John-" I turn around, holding the chart I have been 'looking' at, for the past few minutes, in my hand.   
  
"Yeah?" Susan stares at me, trying to read me. Impossible. The walls I've built up are strong enough so she will never get in.   
  
"You should go see her." Been there, tried that. It took me four hours to see Rebecca. After begging for me. Holding Sebastian in her arms, crying out for me. I resisted. I didn't want to see her like that. I didn't want to remember her like that. Susan reminded me that it wasn't about me. It was about Rebecca. If I loved her I would see her, hold her one last time, kiss her, say goodbye. I remember her smiling face. Even in the face of death she still was grinning, maybe not as bright, but a smile none the less. Abby's not the same. She doesn't want me there. I was the reason that car hit her. Trying to free herself of me. Maybe if I let her go, let her be, she would be here. Probably ignoring me, but its better than the way she is now.   
  
"No. I'm working." Susan shakes her head at me. She doesn't understand, she doesn't get it. She only sees one side. She wasn't there. She didn't hold Abby's lifeless body in her arms. I was breathing for her for awhile, trying, fighting for her. Begging of her to come back, not to leave me like that.   
  
"John..." She reaches out a sympathetic hand, placing it on my arm. "You did all you could do." That's not what this about. Don't they get it? Leave me alone. I've done enough damage already. She didn't want me around when she was awake, why would she want me there now.   
  
"Susan, can you do me a favour?" Her ears perk up. I swallow, preparing to drop the bomb.   
  
"Pick my kids up from the babysitter and watch them tonight. I'm pulling a double." I know what she's thinking. This is a repeat of when Becca died. Those long shifts that I worked, trying to dull her memory.   
  
"Sure." Its barley audible, but I hear it. I turn to leave, but she reaches out and grabs my arm one more time. "John... Grieve. Cry. Anything." She pleads. I shake my head, yeah, just like I grieved for Becca, or Bobby... What good does it do, it doesn't help me, it doesn't help my children.   
  
"Trauma is coming in shortly... I gotta go." I say, leaving her to watch after me. I briskly walk out to the ambulance day, the beautiful Chicago day awaits me. Sun shining, wind blowing, birds chirping... I kind of want to throw rocks at those birds. Knock the song right out of them. I reach down to pick up a rock as Chen bursts through the doors.   
  
"Hey Stranger, How yah holding up?" I look at her, she's not like the others, in the sense that she is rather cold. A good friend, but sometimes I wonder if she has a heart or if its just a block of ice in between those two stones she has for lungs. I shake the thoughts out of my head as I prepare to nod and smile in response. Something I have master over the years. "I heard they called her boyfriend..." I hope to god she is talking about the patient..."Abby's boyfriend. Luka..." Boyfriend? I thought they broke up. "Well Ex Boyfriend, but apparently they had dated for years... So..." That guy didn't give two shits about her he better not show up...  
  
"And..." Hey look at that, I found my voice. Welcome back to planet Carter.   
  
"He said to call if she wakes up." For some weird, selfish reason, a sense of relief washes over me. "If she ever does." Sometimes I just want to kick this women. Wind up and take a big ass kick at her, sending her far into orbit. When I was a child I got a valentines day card that said 'you send me to orbit and back.' Just said Chen to orbit, no back, do not pass go, do not receive two hundred dollars, just get the hell away from me. She must sense my bitterness, she shoots me a confused look.   
  
"Shut the hell up..."   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
(Chapter 16)  
  
Kayla- There will be more sexual tension... I think... lol.  
  
Tracey - Thank you!  
  
(Chapter 17)  
  
trish- We try to make it so people keep coming back for more:)  
  
Selphie- The way Becca dies will be told... it will just take a few chapters heh.   
  
Kayla- Thank you!  
  
Maven- Yeah Carter and Abby are runners!  
  
(Chapter 18)  
  
march- Abby dying? Hmmm... you'll have to keep reading.  
  
fiery red-haired girl- Not dead... Or is she?  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Yeah, I think a lot of people remember hate to love and back lol. I'm glad you deicided to read this story!  
  
Kayla- Thanks.  
  
smilez4eva- Its fun to confuse people haha.  
  
Tracey- Yeah, Liby's an awesome writer, she did a great job in the last couple chapters.  
  
(Chapter 19)  
  
march- She might wake up... lol  
  
kat- haha we love teasing people with this story lol...  
  
fiery red-haired girl- She might die heh.  
  
Tracey- Thank yah very much.  
  
ERCarbyLuve- We be doing are best... thanks lol.  
  
Kayla- Aww thanks...  
  
aj- Abby dead? Thats a popular question.  
  
Caitlin- Aww I love Seb, the kids are so fun to write for.  
  
(Chapter 20)  
  
K-Daawg- So glad! We will keep updating  
  
Pa- Thank you, we try for original.  
  
Tracey- Thank you, unique is our style!  
  
Kat-awwwww thank you... Keep reading!!!  
  
Kayla- Thank you so much!  
  
smilez4eva - Original is fun.  
  
fiery red-haired girl- Becca's death hmmm we will touch base on that a bit i think.  
  
Caroline25- Nope not corny, but awesome to hear, thanks!  
  
trish- Thanks... We try to hit all the emotions.  
  
Caitlin- Haha, as long as my computer is still working (that may not be for long...) we will keep updating. 


	22. Revived

Authors Note- So here it is, chapter twenty two. I hope you all enjoy the chapter.   
  
Chapter twenty two  
  
I feel the burning pain floating through my body. My mind feels numb but the rest of my physical form is screaming out in protest. My lungs feel like they are filled with acid or fire with every breath I take. It hurts so much, I'd rather not breath. I can barely open my eyes, everything around me is blurred. I hear the rhythm tic beeping of machines and voices. I know nothing about where I am. I feel nothing of my body, my arms, my feet, my head, nothing listens, nothing responds. I feel a sharp pain against my chest, painful stimuli. My eyes water and cringe in protest, but my body repains immobile.   
  
"Abby?... Abby?" I hear a familiar voice calling my name, but when I open my mouth to respond, I can't. The only thing I can do is lie here motionless, and even then teh pain still overcomes me. I hear the voice telling someone around me to push the morphine. Morphine for the pain. A few minutes and I should be gone. I want to be gone, to another world where I cannot feel all this pain. I start to open my eyes, and I can make out a mass of curls, I begin to feel again. Her soft skin against my hand.   
  
"Abby? It's Elizabeth." I blink again, my eyes are so dry. The natural response to tears seems to have disappeared. I start to squint them, and finally moisture reaches, and comes out. I try to move my arm, I'm met with a jet of pain through my shoulder. I'm still stranded. A mind within a body. Am I paralysed? Will I ever walk, or move on my own again?   
  
"Don't try to move just yet." I finally manage to make eye contact with Elizabeth and I see a look of relief and hope on her face.   
  
"We were worried we almost lost you. You gave us a scare a few times." I try to breathe, a regular patter, but I hear the hum of the ventilator near me. I can't breathe and this isn't helping. It hurts so badly, I wish she would reduce the pressure. I give her a look, I'm praying she can figure out what I want.   
  
"You have to stay on the vent for a few hours." I roll my eyes and she lets out an awkward little laugh.   
  
"You broke three vertebrae in your back, so your not going anywhere for a while. You nicked your liver, bruised your stomach, and collapsed a lung. We ended up removing your spleen as well. You're on clotting agents right now for the bleeding. Transfusions every 12 hours. You also broke three ribs, fractured your tibia and radius. But all in all, you came out lucky." If she considers this lucky, then I'd like to know what she considers blessed. I should be dead. We've had patients come into the ER with less serious injuries and they died on the table. It's a miracle I'm still living, although I'm hooked up to a million machines and this pain is not subsiding. I feel Elizabeth release my hand and start to check the machines.   
  
"I have a bowel resection, but I will be back to check up on you. Try to sleep, you need to rest. Do you want anything to help?"  
  
I give her a pleading look and she smiles slightly. She shouts out an order at the nurse and I overhear her telling the nurse that if anything changes to page her, 911. I see the nurse inserting something through the IV and in a matter of seconds blackness begins to rule my world again.  
  
~*~  
  
I wake up with the sound of voices around me, and I quickly open my eyes, the only pathway I have. I hear my stats being called out. The doctors are debating whether to take me off the respirator or not. I wish they would. It's so painful. I'm not sure if they know who I am, but I understand what they are saying. The docs and nurses tend to stick to medical lingo around patients, in the hopes that they don't understand. I've just been called a miracle. I should be a vegetable. One of the doctors comes near me and he notices I am awake. He manages a small smile. I've never seen him before, he's probably the new attending the ICU was getting.   
  
"Ms. Lockhart? We're going to check your resps on room air. We want to get you off the vent as soon as possible." I hear him count to three, treating me as an infidel. I've done this before myself. I've turned off ventilators of dying patients, I've watched brain dead patients dependence on the machine, I've worked with it almost every day of my life. I've turned the machine on, knowing it may never be turned off. It's all part of the job. It's now part of my present. My lungs suddenly are filled with air, and they have to remember how to do it on their own. The pain is unbearable for a minute, I'm left gasping, but finally it evens out. I'm light headed and can't see straight, but I'm breathing on my own. They are short, quick breaths, but they are delivering air to my body, and I don't' feel the forced pain from the vent.   
  
"Okay, the tube's coming out." I take a deep breathe before he can say anything, and I think he realizes I know what's going on. He pulls the tube out and my lungs force out a cough. I can't breathe again. My lungs are ready to give up. I settle back down, and he motions the nurse to give me oxygen by mask.   
  
"Don't try to talk just yet. Your larynx is going to be sore." They sign off on some charts and leave again. I look around the room, more alive this time. I've started to ignore the throbbing pain in my body. Local anaesthesia was probably pushed into my body by Elizabeth's orders. My neck is held stable with a soft collar, but I can still move it. I start to turn my head but when the surging pain rushes from my back to my neck, I give up. I'm going to be like this for a while.   
  
I close my eyes in defeat. The only sounds that rule my surroundings are those of the beeping of machines and shoes against the linoleum floor. Everything works, it just hurts too much to try to do anything. I hear feet wandering towards me, but I refuse to open my eyes. A chair is pulled up, I can hear it from the squeak of the wheels. Someone takes my hand in theirs. I feel their warm breath against my skin, and the trickle of warm tears down my hand.   
  
"I'm so sorry, Abby... I'm so sorry..." I want to pull my hand away from him, but I can't. I want to push him out of my life, but I can't. I want to forget all that happened to me, but I can't. So I just listen to him cry, the mixture of a hospital's soundtrack.   
  
"I wish I was in your place. I'm the one that deserves to me lying here... I thought I would never love again... You know, after Becca. I was so afraid of being hurt again. And now I've hurt you, and its all my fault... I'm sorry..." His words die out and echo through the room. They stretch out and make more meaning. Becca. There is no possible way that it could have happened. No. I'm imagining everything. "... You.... you are the most beautiful... intelligent... strong person I have ever met... And you are the most screwed up, emotionally ravaged person. I wish I could get to know what's really inside of you... I want to know the real Abby... Not the one you want to pass off... The only thing I need for you is to let me in... just a little... I never thought I would say this to anyone else... I mean it's something that I never thought I would get over. My children don't have a mother... They have stories and pictures, a blurred concept... You've just... You've taken me places and gave me emotions I thought were dead... For a split second you have me a reason to keep going in this world... You'll make it through all this.. I know you will.. You are strong. I don't know if I would be able to make it without you..."  
  
I can feel the tears forming under my eyelids but I can't let them go. There's still something holding me back, wanting to blame him for all the pain and suffering I'm going through. But I need to stop that. I've been given a second chance. I've been given a reason to go back, I know what I am capable of. I know my dreams. I know what I can do in this world. I want to do it all. I feel his parched lips against my hand, the little streams of tears sliding down my palm.   
  
"... Please, Abby... Please make it... Don't leave me too."  
  
My own tears make it down the sides of my face. I pray he doesn't notice, the room is dark, the lighting is barely there. He lets go of my hand and starts to stand up. I hear his shoes hit the floor and I'm tempted to cry out, make a noise, anything. But I don't. I don't know why I don't. But I don't. He's gone. I'm alone once again. For the first time, it actually hurts to be away from him. For the first time, I want someone next to me. For the first time, I think I feel truly alive.   
  
~Preview~  
  
"John," she says in a sing song voice. "Ever think to help?" A huge smile spreads over my face, I guess I couldn't expect to stand there forever. I would eventually get caught. Although if I could watch her forever, I would. She's so beautiful, she lights up a room, puts a smile on the kids faces. She's the most amazing, brilliant, beautiful woman I have ever met. 


	23. walking backwards

Authors Note- I am getting my computer fixed monday (yay!) so I will respond to your reviews then. Thank you all for hte reviews, they are awesome, here is the next chapter... I hope you enjoy!   
  
Chapter Twenty Three  
  
Four days of rain. Pellets pounding down on Chicago, storm clouds cover the sky, lightening breaking through every so often. My son sits on my lap, doing his usual thing, eating, sleeping, pooping, and playing. I clutch his tiny body closer to my own, waving a beat up old toy in front of his face, in a teasing manner. He reaches for the toy, failing miserably, doing a face plant into my chest. I pick his body up, sitting him up straight. He wraps his arms around my neck, resting his head gently on my chest. He's not as far along as Maddie was at this age, that's okay with me. He's different, special. I know he's going to break the mould of the traditional 'Carter,' kind of like Bobby did, or would have. I pick him up, walking towards the kitchen, where my beautiful wife stands making dinner. I'm glad one of us can cook. Last year I tried making Christmas dinner, the turkey lit on fire, I tried to put it out, but the flames just got bigger and bigger. It all worked out okay, we stuck it in the fire place and roasted marshmallows over it, making s'mores. I lean against the doorframe, leading into the kitchen. Sebastian still in my arms, oddly enough he's being calm and quiet. I know it won't last for long though. I stand there watching her, she looks so beautiful, putzing around in the kitchen...  
  
"John," she says in a sing song voice. "Ever think to help?" A huge smile spreads over my face, I guess I couldn't expect to stand there forever. I would eventually get caught. Although if I could watch her forever, I would. She's so beautiful, she lights up a room, puts a smile on the kids faces. She's the most amazing, brilliant, beautiful woman I have ever met.   
  
"Why? You seem to have it under control. Seb and I are just watching the view." She shakes her head, releasing a gentle laugh. She wraps up the food placing it in the fridge, walking over to us. She takes Sebastian from me, placing a kiss on his cheek. She sets him onto the ground, I watch as she plays with him for a moment, before looking back at me.   
  
"Well, this is for your dinner tonight." I slowly wrap my arms around her waist, her arms snake their way to my shoulders, pulling my head closer and closer to her.   
  
"Exactly, I don't want to wreck dinner for the kids tonight." She bites her bottom lip, then finally, our lips meet. I seek entrance into her mouth, her lips part allowing me in.  
  
"Mommy-" I look down, aha.. Never a moment of peace in this house. Maddie tugs on her mothers arm impatiently. Rebecca pulls her arms away from me, shooting an apologetic look in my direction as he takes off to solve her daughters problems. I pick Sebastian up again, grabbing him some juice to tide him over, until dinner.   
  
"John, I'm leaving now." Sebastian and I meet her at the door, kissing her goodbye. I lean down placing a kiss on her belly. My baby, our baby, number three. I know we will love him or her just as much as we love the other two. It will be nice to have more children. I've always wanted a full house, full of hustle and bustle, always something going on. I know it will be a lot at some points, but I am willing to make that sacrifice. Maybe not as much free time, not that we have any right now. But I don't really care. Becca and I get all the time we need together, including time with our children. Her job is a little less hectic then mine. She's a paediatrician, well, sort of. She teaches too. She teaches at a children's hospital. She use to work at County, that's where we met. She use to be a paediatrician, she's so great with kids. But then, she decided she wanted to teach, she now teaches the med students at Mercy's paediatric ward.  
  
She grabs her purse, giving the kids one last kiss each. The rain pounds down on her, providing an unwanted distraction for me. The roads will be horrible to drive on. I try calling out to her, but she doesn't her, the loud roars of thunder boom over head. I look up, then back at Becca pulling out of the drive way in her mini van. Maddie tugs on my pant leg. "Is mommy going to be okay?" She looks up at me with worry etched all over her face. I swallow hard, hoping I will believe what I am about to tell my daughter. I nod, then close the door. She will be okay, she's driven before in weather like this. I smile at little more widely, her smile grows with mine.   
  
"Let's go watch a movie." Her mouth falls open...  
  
"Can I pick? Can we have popcorn? Can we Have pop?" I laugh chasing her into the front room, her brother still tucked securely under my arm.   
  
"Sure." I call after her. Time to make popcorn. I'm pretty sure I can do it without burning it, its just a simple push of a button. Sebastian reaches out to shut the microwave door, together we watch it begin to pop.   
  
"Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop." Sebastian mimics, his hands popping too...After the popcorn has finished popping I bring it into the front room, putting the movie into the VCR, wrapping blankets around my children. I cozy up with Sebastian in my arms, and Maddies head on my leg. The soft patter of the rain outside lulls her to sleep. It seems to have calmed down, the wind howling startles the trees knocking a few leaves off the branches. I watch mesmerized, the ringing of the phone brings me out of my thoughts.   
  
I untangle myself, from the bodies surrounding me.   
  
"Hello." I say breathlessly.   
  
"Dr. Carter?" I run my fingers through my hair, great its work. I can't go it, so they will just have to do without me, and call someone else.   
  
"Yeah." I know I sound rude and annoyed, but this is my day off, my day with my kids.  
  
"You better come in. Its Becca." The world stops. The voice on the phone continues speaking, but I can't hear what he is saying. A loud droning sound echoes through the room. My eyes falling on my two children, they look so peaceful... So innocent, so perfect. I walk over to them, regretting the moment I let her walk out that door, I never should have let her drive in this weather. Never. I wake them from their sleep, gathering them in my arms, trying to get them into the car unscathed.   
  
"Carter-" Susan runs up to me, grabbing my arms with her hands. "She's stable, for now." I release a breath, that I didn't know I was holding. "She's bleeding out." Bleeding out?   
  
"She came in here, bleeding out. She's miscarrying, Carter..." I must have had had a blank expression on my face.  
  
"Wait... She got into an accident..."   
  
"What? No... She's bleeding out, she must have noticed in the car, and came in here. It was probably the closest hospital, at least that's what I am assuming. Go see her. I'll watch Maddie and Sebastian." I stay in that spot for a moment, unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to see straight. Nothing is clear, everything has no become a blur, my life, our life. Our child. Her life. I could loose her. I have already lost my child, what's to stop them from taking my wife away. God. Them, god. Is there is one, he wouldn't do this.   
  
~*~  
  
The pounding in my chest, has now moved to my ears. Pounding. Throbbing. Aching. I can't move. I am anchored here. In this spot. Right outside her door. I can't bring myself to move. I can't see her. I can't let her go. I can't. I won't. She's not going to die. She's strong, she's the strongest person I know. She can get through anything. She'll pull through this. I know she will.   
  
"Dr. Carter..." My eyes meet Luka's, he rests his hand on my shoulder. I want to shove it off, I want to push him away. I can't. I can't move. "Carter-" He tries again. I move my eyes slowly, his meet my own. "It's been four hours, we don't think she is going to make it." His words are gentle, his voice low, sympathetic. But it doesn't help, it might actually make matters worse. I can't bare this anymore. I can't see her like that. Luka just doesn't understand. Well, maybe he does. Maybe he does more then anyone else. "She needs you, she needs you to say goodbye. She needs you there. She loves you." Yeah, love. What the hell will that do? They say it concurs anything, that's bullshit. There's enough love in our family, why the hell haven't we gotten through this. Why is my twenty- eight year old lying on her death bed leaving her two children? Why did my baby die? "Its not about you anymore. Its about her, she's lying in there dying, her last wish is to see her husband and her kids, give that to her." He leaves. I watch as he walks into the distance. A few seconds later I pull myself off the wall, and into see her. Stopping the nurse on my way in, to tell her to grab my kids in about five minutes.   
  
The door creaks open, her eyes meet mine, a smile washes over her face. I wish she wouldn't smile. She's going to lie to me, I don't want to hear it. She could pass out at any minute, she could leave me.   
  
"Hi-" Her voice weak, but full of emotions, emotions and unshed tears.   
  
"Hey." I sit down at her bedside. Her hand slowly finds mine, I intertwine our fingers, wanting that one last connection to her.   
  
"I'm sorry." The tears begin to fall, her pale cheeks unlike the ones I saw this morning. This is not the women I saw this morning. She was so vivacious, so full of life. Now she's dying. Slowly. Because of the pregnancy. I did this to her. The baby and I. I shake my head, brushing her tears away.   
  
"Don't be. You didn't do anything." She sniffles, running her thumb over my hand.   
  
"I love you." Those words strike me, hit me hard. This will be the last time she will ever say that to me. I will never hear the sweet sound of her voice again. Never listen to her sing, never watch her putz about in the kitchen. Or play with the kids. Its all over. Everything.   
  
"I know." I croak out. "I love you too. You can make it Becca, you can do it. We've been through worse." She shakes her head at me, just as the door flies open and Maddie walk in, Susan is right behind her, her tear streaked face rubs gently against Sebastian as she hands him to me. Maddie slides in next to Rebecca. I watch as she places kisses on their cheeks. I can't do it. I can't let go, I can never let go. I'll never love anyone again. She holds my heart, my soul, she holds me. 


	24. Feeling you

Chapter Twenty Four  
  
I hear a gentle knock at the door and I turn my head. It's been two damn weeks too long for me to be stuck in bed. Everything still hurts me, but at lest now I can scream out for pain meds. I motion with my semi-good hand for whoever's behind the door to come in. I'm greeted by a very cheery and happy Susan.   
  
"Hey.. How you feeling? You look like you've been hit by a car."I roll my eyes and stick my tongue out at her.   
  
"It's such a strange coincidence isn't it?" She starts to laugh and comes next to me, sitting down on the bed. I'm happy for the familiar face, I haven't seen anyone but Elizabeth for days. She refuses to let guests visit because she said I need time to rehabilitate. I've had enough rehabilitation time. I need to see someone before I lose my mind.   
  
"How are you?'' My question floats over her and she flips through my chart. Okay so it's a miracle I'm still alive, but I am still alive. So now start talking to me. I wish I could smack her for her attention but I can't exactly move. I have pins realigning my back and pins in my leg, and casts and supports everywhere. I feel like a mummy. She flips the chart back and looks up at me.   
  
"Meh, you'll be back just in time to guard the med students from danger." I roll my eyes again. Medical students, the worst thing to happen to medicine since the 1800's. I reach over to scratch the bandages on my bad arm with my good arm. Some of the cuts are still bleeding, I had an anti-clotting agent in with my blood. That prevents my wounds from healing properly. She sees the blood and comes over to help me.   
  
"Ouch, how did those happen." I'd rather not remember, to tell her the truth, but I shrug my shoulders instead. She wraps the fresh gauze around the scratch marks and sits back down.   
  
"Luka called. He'll be back in about a week." I shrug my shoulders. Great for him. I could careless. I mean Luka was okay, he didn't listen to me but he was there when I needed him. I don't plan on becoming dependant on him, but it would be a nice thought to get out of this hell hole. I watch her glance at her watch and sigh.   
  
"I have to get back to work." I nod my head gently and she starts to walk out.   
  
"Bring me something to do. Anything. Charts. Paperwork. Please." She starts to laugh, but I look at her completely serious.   
  
"I'll tell them to throw in some narcotics." I smile at her and collapse back against my pillows. I've traced every pattern on the ceiling at least a million times. There is nothing on TV, and I don't' have any good books to read. The door begins to open against and the noise outside catches my attention. I look who just opened it and there he stands. Brown hair muzzled, green scrubs, white lab coat, black clogs. He has an awkward expression on his face.   
  
"Don't worry. I won't bite." I lean back against my pillow and he walks in, shutting the door behind him.   
  
"Hey." My throat is killing me, the tube scratched it on its way down and it still hasn't healed. It's one hell of a pain to talk sometimes.   
  
"Hi." He walks over to me and pulls up a chair a few feet away from me. He does the same thing Susan did, he grabs the chart and flips through it. I'm the only one that hasn't seen the damn thing. He puts it back down and looks at me. I can tell he's not having a very good day, and I doubt coming to see me is making it any better.   
  
"I'm sorry." I look away towards the window for a second. I'm in the mood for his apologizes or explanations. I knew what I wanted that night. I wanted to die, I would have done it myself. Except then I wouldn't have woken up. He, in a sense, saved my life. I don't know if I should be thankful or angry at him. I play with the edge of the blanket carelessly.   
  
"Don't apologize. You did nothing." He closes his mouth. I think he knows when he should not say a word at all. The awkward silence freezes the air between us.   
  
"How are Seb and Maddie?" He plays with his hands before looking up at me for a second. He bites on his bottom lip and smiles a little.   
  
"Both were worried about you. Seb misses you." I smile a little and match gazes with him for a second. I take my hand and motion him closer to me. He complies and he's a few feet away from me. I take his hand, and he is startled. I don't' know. I've been given a second chance at life. I think I should try to make the most of it. I know I'm not going to change overnight. And all my problems aren't simply washed away. But maybe I can put a little effort through, I can make myself a better person. He's looking at me with a strange look on his face.   
  
"I'm the one that should be sorry. You saved my life." His thumb runs over my hand back and forth, a comforting notion to the both of us.   
  
"I put you here." I shake my head slightly.   
  
"I put myself here." I hear his pager go off and he looks at it. I watch his face change and he quickly stands up.   
  
"I'm sorry. I have a patient." I nod my head, but don't let go of his hand. He doesn't let go either. I pull him closer to me.   
  
"Give me a second chance... Please..." He looks out the window, as if debating the cons to the idea. I know he's afraid to, so am I. I close my eyes, waiting for the rejection, but instead I feel his sweet lips against mine. They taste of coffee and sugar. His lips are fierce against my tired ones. I want more. I need more. He pulls away from me, but leans in for another kiss. I feel his lips against my forehead and he squeezes my hand.  
  
"I'd give you million chances if you would ask." Another quick kiss against my cheek and he's gone. I watch him leave. My heart is pounding, my lungs cannot breathe. He's like a drug that I cannot get rid of . I don't think I want to get rid of him. I wish I don't' screw this up. I don't think I can take screwing this all up again. I don't care if I get hurt. At least this time I know all the pain will be worth something. I need to open myself up. My whole life can slip through my fingers if I don't. 


	25. From Beyond The Grave

Authors Note- First off I am sorry for the week without the updates...My computer was only SUPPOSE to be in the shop for an hour, that hour turned into three and a half days... So my apologies, but now my computer is all pretty, so yah... I guess it was worth it. Although I lost all the chapters, so until I get chapters 26 and 27 for Liby... (I have 28 thru 30) there might be a lack of updates... Anyways, thanks for all the reviews, no responses or previews in this chapter... Next though!  
  
I pick up the white dress, it represents something I lived for at one point. Her. I still do, every breath I take I smell her, I breathe in her scent. Every time I see her face, I see her smile telling me everything is going to be okay. I couldn't believe her before, but I think I do now. Maybe she's right, if I give life a chance maybe something good will come out of it. Who knows, I'll just keep ploughing away and hope for the best, that's all I can really do. I run my fingers over the soft fabric, a vision of her walking down the aisle flashes, us saying our vow, she leans forward gently kissing me on the lips. I can still taste her, as I run my tongue along my lips. I bring myself out of my trance, looking down at the dress... I wrap it back up in the plastic and take it to the one place I know it will be safe, a place where I can visit it, but not have the memories haunting me, clouding my vision. Getting in the way of my life. She would want me to move on, as hard as it may be, it has to happen. I sling the dress over my arm, reaching for the ladder with one swift tug I pull it down. Not much of an effort. I must be getting stronger, lugging two kids around for three years will do that to a guy. I climb the stairs, avoiding the splinters that dare to jam themselves into my skin. I hold the dress away from the jagged stair case. You'd think I would come to my senses, and hire someone to fix it. I can afford it, that's never been a problem. I guess I just rely on myself to do everything. That's how its been. I can always teach Sebastian how to use a hammer. That would be interesting, I'm sure he would use it to hammer random toys into electrical sockets. I don't think I'll test that out too soon. The attic is dusty, worse looking then the stairs. I take the dress, gently placing it on a hanger. Away from the sun, that peaks in through the tiny window, and setting it on a pole that hangs in a corner. A dark corner, kind of like the place where I keep all my thoughts of her. A place I can relish in on those bad days, the unrealistic dream world I have set up for myself. My own abyss. Doesn't everyone have one of those? A place where they can go, and be free from the burdens of the world.   
  
I putter around the attic for a few minutes, looking at the random things I've tossed up here over time. Broken toys, things I've hid from Sebastian, like his Tonka car. He use to hide outside my door early in the morning, while I was still asleep. He would put it on the foot of bed then turn it on and run it over my sleeping body. It was a most unpleasant way to be woken up. The gears of the car revving and tires running over your face. It didn't last long. I come across a big chest. Kind of like a treasure chest. I remember this vividly. Its Rebecca, or it was Rebecca's. I never went into it, it was hers, and hers only. When she died I couldn't bring myself to open it up, or go near anything that reminded me of her. Its been sitting up here untouched for three years. The chest opens with a creek. Now that she's gone, I am interested in seeing what she's hidden here for all these years. I respected her privacy for this long, but now the curiosity of it all is eating me alive. Just seeing it there, taunting me, begging me to open it. I pull out the first thing that catches my eye. A binder. A big black one. I open it up, newspaper articles cover every page. Different articles, pictures on almost everyone. The headlines catch my eye, 'John Carter and Wife attend Children's Charities.' Roughly the same thing scrawled on every piece of paper. She kept all this. I never knew. I guess it was her keepsakes. I set the binder aside, only to pick up a photo album, one that is cluttered with pictures of us. From when we first started dating, to our wedding day. The next album is pictures of our children. Each picture brings a smile to my face. I put the album down, taking a look into the chest, seeing the endless amounts of things. One item in particular catches my eye. A shoe box. I expect to find movie ticket stubs, love letters I sent her, random pictures of us. But what I do see catches me off guard. There are love letters, tons of them, all stacked in a pile, neatly. With an elastic band wrapped around it. None of them are from me. Movie ticket stubs cluttered the bottom of the box, none from movies we saw together. None of this is familiar. The scent of it isn't. Nor is the bottle of cologne that was haphazardly tossed into the box. It seems to have leaked. I pick up an envelop. Opening it up, I am met with pictures. Becca, all of Becca. But she's not alone. A man is with her, more like a young man, in some of them. I flip one of the pictures over and am met with caption. 'Becca and Damien.' Damien? Her high school boyfriend. I toss the pictures back down, and open one of the letters. The top one to be precise. The first line catches my eye.  
  
Dear Becky,  
  
Its been too long since I last saw you. I know what happened that night can never happen again. Don't regret that it happened. If it was so wrong, why did it feel so right? Are you sure you are meant to be with him? You have only been engaged for six months, you can still back out, there is still time. Even if you don't, I will always remember that night we shared one month ago...  
  
I stop dead. I can't breathe. Air is choking me, burning through me. Nothing has ever felt so unclear. I try to tear my eyes away from the paper, but they keep tracing the last lines over and over again. I see the words, but they don't seem to register. It can't be true. She wouldn't have, she couldn't... Becca? My Becca? She wouldn't, its so out of character for her. The note is dated December '94. I toss it aside, wanting nothing more then to find this guy and rip him to shreds. I pick up the next letter, my fingers shaking as I read through it. Its From January of the following year. Many of them just say the same thing, how he longs for that night back. The last one catches my eye, more so then the others.   
  
Dear Becky,  
  
Now that you are married, I guess the affair has to end. I am just writing to say goodbye. Last week was amazing, but now it is my turn to move on. No more sexual encounters, no more dreaming of you. I have met someone....  
  
Last week? The week before our marriage. This can't be happening. The next week we conceived Maddie. Oh My God, Maddie. Madison Carter, is she really Madison Carter? One week before the wedding night, this isn't true. The letter slowly falls out of my hands, dropping to the floor as my head follows suit and falls into my hands. Tears burn my eyes, threatening to fall, anger over takes me before draining me of every thing. Every feeling I have ever felt for Rebecca. All those years together, lies. That's what they seem. Nothing can ever be the same. 


	26. Slap In The Face

I'm so tired. The narcotics they have me on lately make all the pain go away, but they also make slip in and out of consciousness. I'm trying to wheen myself off them slowly, grint my teeth and bare the pain. It's hard, but I'm dealing. I have a little help. He's been here for the last few days, refusing to leave my side. I don't mind. I lie holding his hand in my good hand, and his head rests against my chest. I run my fingers through his thick, dark brown hair and listen to him breathe. It's been a real mess lately, but somehow everything is falling into place, better than it has ever been. I can't complain. I've been given a second chance at life. The door swings open and Elizabeth walks in. She gives me a smile and picks up the charts. I run my hand against his neck and he moans a little, but he picks up his head, greeting her as well. He starts to stand up, but I pull him down.   
  
"I've noticed your taking less narcotics. That's positive progress."  
  
I nod my head and watch her uneasiness. I'm in for some news. I've been around enough doctors to know I'm in for some news.   
  
"What is it?"  
  
I see a sign of relief on her face, probably thankful that I knew something was up. I wish I didn't know.   
  
"I need to talk to you."  
  
The easiness in the room has suddenly turned tense. I watch Luka start to stand up, but I hold his hand even tighter and he sits back down.   
  
"It wasn't my decision to hold off telling you this, but considering the circumstances, I might justify them."  
  
I nod my head, I have no clue what she's going to tell me.   
  
"When we were trying to repair your internal damage, we found out that you were pregnant. I'm sorry..."  
  
I see her mouth keep moving, and there are words floating through the air, but I can't concentrate on them. I was pregnant? Again? I feel Luka's grasp on my hand tighten, and he leans in and takes me in his arms. All I can feel his is hands running up and down my arms. Elizabeth has probably left a long time ago, but I can't believe it. It's impossible, I couldn't have been pregnant. Well maybe it wasn't impossible, but it was unlikely. Poor Luka. Oh my god, the baby was his. He knows that and I know that. There is no getting around that. The third child he has ever lost. He deserves so much to be a father, and all these children get violently ripped away from him. He keeps on holding me closer to him, his finger wipe away the tears I never noticed fell.   
  
"Hey... Hey... Come on, Abby.. It's okay.. At least you're alive..."   
  
I feel his lips against my forehead, and I latch onto him as tightly as I can. I can't believe this has happened. I know I was never destined to be a mother. This is just another way of making it painfully obvious. I look up at him and watch his tears plummit down his cheeks. I reach up and wipe them away, he forces a sympathetic smile. We're both sharing the same hurt.   
  
The door slowly opens and I see Carter's face reappear from behind the darkness. He takes a look at us, and quickly walks out. I don't know what he was expecting me to do. I mean I don't know what would happen between us. Maybe we would work out, maybe we wouldn't. I dont' want to force pain onto him, and Luka wasn't so bad. I mean he's here right now. He understands me right now. We'll be okay. I feel an immense emptiness flow through my body. I've never felt this alone and lonely before in my life. I could have had it all, and I lost it. I can't believe I lost it. My life could have been so different, maybe happier. I dont' know what to do anymore. Luka squeezes my hand and begins to walk off, but comes back and gives me a gentle kiss on my cheek. I try to be thankful, but I have no emotion left in my body. I wish this pain would all go away. Everything's flooding at me and all I can see is blackness. All the physical pain has begun again and I can't deal with it. I squeeze the controler witht he pain meds but it takes no effect on me. I reach up, knowing the mechanics to the drip. I know how to use it, how to control it, I quickly squeeze the bag, switch the drip. I feel the medicine begin to rip through my veins. I can feel my breathing start to quicken, I can't catch a breath. Everythings is pressing against my lungs, I can't breathe. I'm starting to feel lightheaded, the pale blue room begins to spin around and I the darkness begins to take, the darkness I feel inside. I hear the monitors begin to go off, its too late. The world begins to disappear. No. I just wanted the pain to go away. Don't they understand, the pain... it has to go away... I just wanted it to go away.....  
  
I'm being suffocated.  
  
Blackness in front of me.  
  
Loneliness behind.  
  
I want to make the world go away.   
  
Just for a second.  
  
I want to feel light as air.  
  
Just for a minute.  
  
I want the weight removed from my shoulders.  
  
Just for a hour.   
  
I want to love and be loved.  
  
Just for a day.  
  
I want to be freed.  
  
Forever. 


	27. Revelations

Authors Note- New Chapter...  
  
I run my fingers through my short tresses, this has officially become the worst week of my ever loving life. Never before have I experienced such gut wrenching pain, this whole ordeal has ripped my feet from underneath me, rendering me to a world full of pain and drug induced lies. For example Abby. I dare not think of her, for the sake of my mental health. Which is in serious danger at the moment. Life as I know it, or knew it, no longer exists. I am trapped in a world of lies, a down pour of hate, and resistance. Nothing is as it seems. My daughter may not even be mine, my sort-or-girlfriend has gone back to her old boyfriend. My son tried to pierce my ear with a screw driver this morning. I guess that is the only usual thing going on. For all I know he may not be mine either. I slap the chart down on the desk. No longer do I feel like working, running myself into the ground for no good reason... Do I really have anything to live for? No. Did I ever, not likely, my heart was swollen, when I first laid eyes on Abby, now it has deflated. Maybe I set too many pressures on her shoulders, relying on her for a source of happiness, I guess my children played a large roll in my happiness. But now I feel deceived. I know that was there mothers doing, not theirs. But a part of me feels as though my life is no longer the same. No longer am I John Carter. I am not sure who I am, or who I really was. I push myself upstairs, back to Abby. I need to confront her. Its the only way.   
  
The grim looking walls play on my confidence, distracting me as I try to piece together exactly what I am going to say. Or do? Can I just wing it, would that be a possibility. I have spent my whole life preparing for situations, trying to plan things. This could be one thing that does not need planning. I take a deep breath, now is better then ever. I push open the brown door, it swings open, startling a groggy looking Abby. Her eyes flutter open, staring at me. Red rimmed, I don't bother asking any questions. I don't want to hear the answers. They will just be as contrived as every other story she has told me. Another chance? No. She didn't want a chance, she wanted to fuck me over.   
  
"Abby-" I take a deep breath, studying her. The way her hair lays upon her shoulders. her skin dry and chapped, along with her lips. The smile that was once strewn across her face, gone evaporated.   
  
"What do you want John?" I shake my head. What do I want? What the hell does she think I want? I want my life back, I want my wife back, I want all the lies to fade away. The truths that I once thought to become actual truths. I don't think she can do that for me, so I don't bother asking. Instead I answer her with the things she can do for me.   
  
"I want you to stop lying to me. To stop hiding. I want you to stop fucking around with my heart, just because you know you can. 'Cause you know at the end of the day I will still be here. So you go back to him, then you come back to me. No matter what he does, I will be here. Fuck that Abby. I won't not anymore. No." I take a breath. Not finished with my rant. I needed her. For once I needed to speak to her, to tell her exactly how I feel. To tell her how my life was falling apart. But she wasn't there for me. Not like I was for her.  
  
"You think you can do this, you think you can play with peoples mind. I'm through. I'm done. Be with Luka, if that's what you really want be with him. You have done nothing to prove to me, that that isn't what you want. It's over." I take a breath. Something I didn't know I needed. She stares at me, locking our eyes. Reading her is impossible, I wait for her to speak. I am not sure how long we stay like this for, seconds, minutes, hours. Neither one of us seems to mind.  
  
Her voice shakes, as she opens her mouth. "I lost my baby." What? Baby? She had a baby? I must be wearing a confused expression, because she starts to clarify. "I was pregnant. The accident..." Her voice trails off, her eyes wandering around the room. No longer focusing on me. She is lost, trapped in another world, a parallel universe. "I am not so sure why I am upset. I messed it up the first time. I could have had it, then- then- I did..." She shakes her head, I get the feeling she is no longer speaking to me. "I couldn't have her. I was afraid. I would have wrecked her life, made a horrible parent. Now Luka, I screwed up his chances. He already lost his children. Now he lost another one, I am just a burden. I don't deserve to live. That car should have killed me, I was lucky. I shouldn't have been." She takes a deep breath, as a lone tear makes it down her cheek. "Your wife. She should have lived. She should be here. She has you, she has your kids. She had a purpose."   
  
"Things work in mysterious ways." Its barley audible, but I know she heard it. She looks up from the floor, where her eyes have been for the past few moments.   
  
"Maybe so. But I don't deserve to be here. Its that simple. I tried to end it all. It last a few minutes. The hospital isn't the best place to try to axe yourself." A bitter laugh escapes her laugh, followed by another tear, which she quickly wipes away. "I don't deserve you John, its that simple." How does she always do this? She makes me feel guilty at points when I shouldn't.   
  
"I'm glad it's that easy for you." I direct my gaze at her. "Everything seems so cut and dry for you. It can't be Abby."   
  
"It has to be." I shake my head. Deciding the only thing I can do right now is stay here with her. I grab a chair and drag it up to her bedside. Taking her hand in mine. She reluctantly lets me. I plant a kiss on it, then lean my head against her hand. She play with my hair, rolling strands in between her finger tips. I sigh, as her fingers lazily brush up against my skin. "You know he'll be coming back here soon." I nod, understanding completely what she's getting at. "He just went to get coffee."   
  
"I have to get back to work in a few minutes anyways." I sigh, leaning back in the chair. Her hand still in mine. I run my thumb over her fingers, she watches me do so. Neither one of us wanting to break the comfortable silence, we know once it is gone we will have nothing. She draws another breath.  
  
"How are the kids?" She doesn't look up from our hands, but does notice when my grip becomes a little tighter. I shake her concern off, and run my free hand through my hair.  
  
"They're- They are good. Very good. Seb asks about you a lot. So does Maddie actually. I think she might be coming around. But one never knows." She chuckles slightly, who knows, Maddie can be hard to read from time to time. I look her in the eyes, trying to capture her feelings, read her mind. She doesn't let me, immediately her gaze is diverted to the ground and away from me. Laying her hand down against the bed, I stand up, I gently kiss her forehead before heading towards the door. I feel her eyes on my back, burning into me, watching my every movement, however quick or subtle it may be.   
  
"John-" I stop in my tracks, not turning around. I wait, wait for her to say something. To open up to me, to tell me exactly what she feels for me. Because deep down I know its true. I know what she hides from me, what she hides from the world. The pain and the suffering. Underneath it all there is a person who just wants to love and be loved in return. As corny and as much as cliche that may be, I believe it. I wait a second longer, the beeping of the machines have become faint, fading into the background. I can't hear a thing, I zone in, trying to hear her voice. Nothing. I strain myself a little more, still not even a whisper. Slowly I open the door, giving her one last chance, she doesn't take it. I wish I knew exactly what was going on in her head.   
  
"Carter?" I look up, staring at Luka. His dark eyes meet my own. He slowly sips his coffee, I move out of the way. Letting him into Abby's room, his girlfriends room. Letting him be alone with her, they can drown in pain together.   
  
~*~  
  
"You know, you're not doing anyone any good by sulking all the time." Susan hands me a cup of scalding hot coffee. I silently thank her, with a nod of the head, before taking a long sip.   
  
"I'm not trying to do any good." She rolls her eyes, before taking a seat next to me. A feel her hand fall upon my shoulder. She squeezes lightly trying to get me to meet eyes with her. After much reliance, I finally comply. "I'm sorry." I say quietly. She knows my pain, I told her everything. I had to tell someone. I had too. Its like a big black hole inside of me, eating me alive, swallowing every hopeful part of me, slowly ripping me to shreds. Killing me. I should have been the one to die, not Becca. At least she would be happy, happy with her high school boyfriend. Me, I will never again feel happiness.   
  
"Maddies yours." I shake my head, yes she is. In a father-daughter sense. Biologically no, I know that doesn't matter. They say it doesn't matter if the child is yours biologically, as long as you love him or her. Its not that. I feel deceived, lied to. "Remember when Becca died?" How could I forget? Its what started this living hell. "You all took your blood, trying to match with Becca's hoping upon hope, that one of yours was a match. Everything was done. I did the test, I saw the files. Everything matched up. She's yours." I look at her for a moment longer, could it be true?   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
(Chapter 21)  
  
Caitlin- Chen is my least favourite character on the show... She just doesn't seem to have a purpose  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Haha, yah portray is a word. Glad you like it so far.  
  
Tracey- Thanks... Is she anyones? lol  
  
Kayla- Aw thanks... It is a bit of a sad story.  
  
Hibbs- Thank you very much... We pretty much just brainstorm together and hopefully we come up with new ides...  
  
Alex - I am not a big advocate of death right now, so how about Abby and I both live?  
  
(Chapter 22)  
  
trish- Yup Abby's alive and kicking.  
  
Kayla- YAY!!! It wouldn't be a story if Abby died so soon into it.  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Thank you... We will keep writing.  
  
Caitlin- Thanks  
  
smilez4eva- Heh... No Becca lights up a room lol  
  
(Chapter 23)  
  
smilez4eva- Yup my computer is fixed :D  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- THANKS:D  
  
Kayla- Awww glad you liked it.  
  
Caroline25- awwwwwwww im glad you liked that chapter... it was intended to be sad.  
  
(Chapter 24)  
  
kayla- she totally deserves one... shes abby lol  
  
Fran- Happy Easter to you too (I know its a little late lol) I didn't get a chance to updtae before I brought my computer in... it was so broken lol  
  
dork- Thanks, right back at yah  
  
hyperpiper91- We will update everyday for the most part :)  
  
smilez4eva- I totally read spoilers lol...  
  
LumiKat1540- Thanks so much... Glad you like it so much  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Thanks...  
  
trish- lol knowing are stories, they might have to give each other like 60 chances lol  
  
Caitlin- Thanks... Yah Beccas death needed to be explained... People were wondering what was going on lol  
  
(Chapter 25)  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Heh yah... Well Becca was too prefect...   
  
lolomo- I think everyone thought she was... It was nice to prove that she was human...  
  
K-Daawg- Thank you  
  
Kayla- Heh... that was the point... to shock people it seemed to have worked  
  
march- lol I am happy too  
  
Caitlin- Well you enver know with us  
  
(Chapter 26)  
  
Maven- She was pregnant with his baby before her and Carter ever got together though, she juist didn't know about it.  
  
tars- Heh... Carby rocks... Although Luby had great chemistry.  
  
Lilkimi88- All will eventually be explained heh.  
  
Kayla- More cliffhangers too come heh.  
  
~Preview~  
  
"Ms. Lockhart? There's an emergency down in the ER, and I've been asked to summon you downstairs."  
  
I give her this strange look and she's responds with a look as clueless as mine. I don't know what's going on. Could it be Maggie or Eric? Could they be heading down here to see me and gotten into some trouble? Why would they call me down there? What if something's wrong with Susan? Or Luka? Or Carter? 


	28. Silence

Authors Note- A few people have said the last couple of chapters were a bit confusing, I hope that this chapter can clear all the mumbo jumbo up for yah. If not, just ask and I will be glad to tell....Review Responses at the bottom. Thanks for reviewing.   
  
Have you ever felt like your life's spinning out of contorl? Every decision you make makes your life worse? You only want to do the right thing, but everything goes in the opposite direction. I feel that way. I feel like I'm endlessly falling, and I'm slipping out of everyone's grasp. I only want to do the right thing for Luka, and for Carter. I want them to move on, and forget me. I want them to not believe I'm an burden to them. I don't know what's going on anymore. I sit in this room, surrounded by four walls. The world behind them goes on without me, and I know it would keep on going. The world will always keep on going. In the morning the sun will always rise, and the sun will always set at night. There will be a summer, fall, winter, and spring. There will be rain and snow, sunshine and wind. The elements, the earth, everything has a pattern. Humans are the ones that get in the way.  
  
Humans try to play god in every way possible. Sometimes its a good thing, and other times its not. Doctors play god everyday. Patients in their most vulnerable state put their lives into our hands. They trust that we know what we are doing. What if we don't? What if the doctor isn't competent? Life is a gamble. A game of blackjack or poker, where you can win everything, or lose your life. I've played the hand before, and I know what it means to loose everything. I might not have alot to loose, but what I've had, I've lost. If you have the will to go on, you can. You can laugh in the face of evil and despair. You'll come out a stronger person. I'm not like that. I can only laugh at myself, the pitiful person I've become. The funny thing is, I could have done so much more. I could have finished medical school, maybe I wouldn't have been half as bad a doctor as I thought I would be. Maybe I'll do it someday, maybe I'll take the chance. It might turn out okay, but it will probably fail me anyway. I don't know how this is all going to turn out. I've been stuck in this hospital bed for too damn long.   
  
I've seen patients come and go, some of them made it out alive even. ICU isn't the best place to expierence medicine as a patient. You turn your head a little and can see the doctors and nurses ferveriously working on a patients, doing everything to start that person's heart up again. What makes the heart beat is a question that no one can answer. It's a medical mystery, or a miracle, depending on which side you want to stand. It's a mystery to me. What makes your heart beat, but also makes your heart hurt? The heart usually stood metaphorically for something, feelings, emotions, whatever. But I've expierenced hurt before, and it was always my heart that hurt. Pain is the one thing that humans will never get rid of. No one can go through life without pain. Mental and physical pain attack everyone at least once a day. Maybe more. I've felt it so many times in one day, when dealing with patients, dealing with my family, just dealing. An endless stream of never ending pain, that seems to escalade in severity every day. I've started to work through it. There is no point in trying to dwell in it sometimes, because it only makes it worse. The rhythmatic beeping of the monitor next to me keeps me in a darker reality.  
  
I have been to the edge so many times, but there's always someone there, pushing me back towards the world of the living. I wish I knew why. The door opens and I turn my head to see who it is. Luka's tall frame and dark eyes greet mine in an almost ghostly gaze. He's grown so used to sitting up here with me in silence. I feel like I'm binding him to me with heavy metal shackles that will never disappear. I wish he could stop feeling like this was his fault. I've heard him praying. I've heard him asking god why he's been so damned. He thinks that its his punishment for leaving me. I know its not. It was all my fault, my intentions. He deserves someone better than me. He looks like a zombie, working long shifts, and spending what little free time he has with me. I don't know if we had anything, any chemistry. I dont' know if a relationship would ever be the right thing for us. But right now, I know we both need a friend, and as wrong as it may be, we are taking advantage of each other. I wish he would find someone that could make him smile, he's so perfect when he smiles. I haven't seen him smile in such a long time. I doubt I have smiled in the last year. I don't have a reason to.  
  
Maybe if he could find someone like his wife; it might make him happy. Or it would send him down memory lane and into eternal pain. Life's funny life that. The things you think would be best, turn out to be the worst. I run my hand over his face, the stubble runs against my chin. He gives a small kiss on the cheek, and sits down on the chair next to me. The dark bags under his eyes make him look older than he really is. I see him start to open his mouth, but he's hesitating. Maybe he's trying to tell me he found someone new. Maybe he's moving on. I'd be happy for him. We work better together as friends. At least then we can help each other. This is like trying to resurect a corpse.   
  
"I'm... I'm going back to Africa."  
  
I nod my head solmenly. He came back a changed person, changed for the better. He's probablys een things there that I wouldn't understand. I don't want to. I want him to be happy, and if going to Africa is it, let it be. He's doing what he wants for himself, and for nobody else.   
  
"When will you be back?"  
  
I watch him shrugg his shoulders, it was more of an expected question. I don't know why i asked it. I mean I probably will just fade out of his memory. I don't think I'll forget him that easily. Time will have to tell.  
  
"Be careful... I'll always be waiting for you."  
  
I see the warmth in his eyes, the genuine smile form on the bottom of his lips. He understood me. I know he did. We're not going to be together in a relationship. But we have a relationship nonetheless. A complicated, twisted, complex relationshp that I wouldn't turn in for anything. We're friends. That's all I need to know. I don't care how everything ends, but as long as we are friends, we'll be okay. He starts to get up, and I give him another kiss and a quick hug. I'm going to miss his company. But this is for the best. We'll both learn to live a little, and then we'll move on. I watch his white coat trail out the door behind him. I should begin praying for his saftely. I don't think that will help any, god hates me. It doesn't matter anymore. I've got to learn to live the life I have in front of me, disregarding how horrid it really may be.   
  
I lean back against the soft pillows, but their not soft anymore. They feel hard as rocks. I wish they would let me move more. I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own body. Every move I make requires more strength that I don't have. The door swings open again, I fear its Luka changing his mind, but it's not. It's a nurse.   
  
"Ms. Lockhart? There's an emergency down in the ER, and I've been asked to summon you downstairs."  
  
I give her this strange look and she's responds with a look as clueless as mine. I don't know what's going on. Could it be Maggie or Eric? Could they be heading down here to see me and gotten into some trouble? Why would they call me down there? What if something's wrong with Susan? Or Luka? Or Carter? I wish I knew more, but obviously we're both left clueless. She shifts the bar down and I'm allowed into a wheelchair. The position shift is a welcome breeze of air. I haven't been out of my room in days, and the only mobility I has was from CAT scan to MRI to X-ray. And that is only down the hall.   
  
I can't sit still in my seat, I'm going to murder Susan for doing this to me. I think its Susan at least. I mean who else. I let the nurse roll me down to the lounge and she pushes me in. I see Susan sitting at the desk with a worried expression on her face. This isn't going to be good news.   
  
"Hey..."  
  
She gives me a weary smile and motions for her to scoot me closer. I think I can walk, thank you very much. I probably can't that well and I'll look like an idiot, but my leg's healing okay and the therapy is helping. Or at least I hope so. She scoots me in and Susan shoots her a look that says it all: get out. We both wait for the door to slam shut and she runs her hand through her hair.   
  
"Is everyth..."  
  
She cuts me off before I can get any further.   
  
"Everyone's okay. I'm just, I'm just a little worried about Carter."  
  
I shoot her a glance. He seemed to have it all under control lately. I don't know what's going on with him, maybe its the sleep deprivation after coming back. Or his kids could be giivng him trouble. I don't know. I haven't really talked to him in a while.   
  
"Worried? Why?"  
  
I can see she's completley serious abotu this and it's eating away at her inside. She shuffles the papers on the desk a few times and plays with the cup of coffee in front of her.   
  
"I don't know... It's these small things. He'll snap at one of the nurses every so often, or he'll get sloppy during trauma. He seems to be wandering around in a daze sometimes. He looks like he's lost in his eyes. I don't know. It might just be me overreacting. I'm worried about him, I never stopped worrying about him."  
  
I shrugg my shoulders, I've never seen that side of him, so maybe it is strange. If I ever say it, I would say its unlike Carter. He's usually meticulous and careful, generous with his time, and kind to his patients.   
  
"I was hoping.. That you would talk to him... I mean he'll be on defense with me. I'm concerned about him, both as a friend, and as his Chief. I mean if anything happens out there, I'll be held responsible. I don't know if he's up to being out there on the floor. And if anything where to happen, I don't think he'd be able to deal with it..."  
  
I nod my head. I doubt he'll open up to me either. We haven't exactly been completley understanding of each other lately. I run my hand though my disheveled hair and my attention goes back to Susan, who is annoyingly clicking her pen. She's anxious. I can tell. This isn't good for anyone involved.   
  
"Where is he?"  
  
She looks around the room, as if he's going to magically appear out of thin air. She closes her eyes for a second and begins to think.  
  
"He's sleeping in the suture room... He was on all night, so I told him to go lie down."  
  
I nodd my head and my mind begins racing with how I'm going to approach the topic. I don't want him to become defensive with me, that's the last thing I need right now. I want him to trust me, but I know he won't. I wish he would just talk to me, we've talked before. It wasn't that bad. I might have to give in first. That's going to be the worst part of all this.   
  
"Do you want help?"  
  
I shake my head no, starting to stand up. My back screams out in protest, but I manage to make my way up. My legs are a bit numb and sore, but they'll figure it out. I start to take a few steps, and I'm walking, finally, thank god. I should be okay if no one realizes that I shouldn't be walking just yet. I hear Susan laughing behind me.   
  
"What?"  
  
I watch her trying to stiffle her laughs.   
  
"You look like a penguin."  
  
I roll my eyes at her and start out the door. Thanks alot, Susan. You sure are the supportive friend of the group. I do not look like a penguin. Well okay, so maybe I do. A penguin isn't that bad. I hear her voice scream out in the background.  
  
"Actually, it's more like a drunk penguin."  
  
If I was close enough I would have hit her, very, very hard. I start towards the suture room which is only a few feet away. I think I can make it there in one piece. It feels good to be walking again. As long as they do not find out that I've been walking around. I push through the door and I'm met by darkness. I slowly make my way to the bed where his body is lying, curled up in a protective ball. I sit down on the space that he left on the side. My back still hurts like hell when I sit down or stand up, so it takes a few breaths before I can do anything. I run my hand up and down his cheek a few times before I see his eyes start to flutter. He looks so innocent and peaceful. He starts to stretch out and turns his body towards me. I see a momentary smile on his face, and I take that as a good thing.   
  
"Morning stranger."  
  
He sits up, letting me get more room on the bed with him. I pushes the hair out of my face, while I become frustrated with my ever not complying bangs. He sets a gentle kiss on my cheek and I hold on to his shoulders, running my knukcles over the knots in his neck. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him to start this random conversation off.   
  
"I haven't seen you in a while."  
  
He nods his head, his gaze looking gloomy. I can see him begging for understanding in his deep brown pools. I run my hand through his hair carelessly, and he takes my hand and entertwines his fingers with mine.   
  
"I know. I'm sorry."  
  
I shake my head a little, I wish this were easier. I could probably have had this conversation with a patient without even thinking about what I was saying. I feel like I have to weigh every little letter in my head before it even begins to form a word. But sometimes you don't need words. I don't know what rushes through me. The lighting, the moment, him. I move closely and place a kiss roughly on his lips through him off guard. He looks at me for a second, before dabbing his lips with his fingers. I take that hand and hold it.   
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
He shruggs his shoulders. I think I've just found a way in. I run my fingers over his hand and let the silence settle between us. Just like dust settles on old memories. We needed to feel each other more than words could ever move us. My heart began to hurt again. I thought that was only a metaphor in Shakespeare. I'm slowly slipping deeper and deeper into unknown territory. I have no clue where I'm going, and for the first time, it doesn't scare me.   
  
I've tried to run and hide.   
  
I've felt the pain, and cried.  
  
The truth, inevitable, I knew,   
  
Every road would lead to you.  
  
Maybe we are meant to be,   
  
We'll see.   
  
Time can tell us differently.  
  
I have a feeling this might be  
  
The beginning of eternity.   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
Fran- Yah, the last couple of chapters were Carter and Abby sort of doing there own thing. Getting their personal lives straightened out, before their romantic life... together. Hmmm I am not sure how long we will go with this story. We have I believe up to chapter 37 written. We might get one done tonight, but I am not sure. This could be another hate to love and back, I am not sure. The other fic we did (bitter sweet regrets) seemed to die pretty quickly. We might have to look at that one again.   
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Lol, Maddie is his... I think... lol you never know with us. No we are not really luby shippers either as you can probably tell from this chapter.   
  
Tilde8884- Thanks... We will try to keep writing quality crap lol  
  
Kayla- Heh, we kinda built that plot line up lol  
  
smilez4eva- lol, no lubyism here.  
  
(Chapter 26)  
  
smilez4eva- She woulda only be a few weeks or a month, cause Carter and Abby got sorta together after Luka left...  
  
~Preview~  
  
I hold her hand for a moment, then lean forward. The glint of something around her neck catches my eye. I don't ever remember her wearing a necklace before, at least not one that looks like that. I reach out to grab it, but she grabs my wrist, giving me a questioning look. I slowly lift my eyes to meet hers... 


	29. Day Away

Chapter Twenty Nine  
  
I run my fingers over her jagged knuckles. Her rough skin scraping against my own. She flinches ever so slightly as I brush against a bruise on her hand. She looks up, trying to meet gazes. She's pining. Looking for any piece of evidence I may have tried to hide. I run my fingers through her hair, getting caught in the tangled mess. She looks better, not quite as... Run over. A smile slips over her lips, as our eyes meet once again. "So..." She says in a sing song voice, her eyes shining, as her voice slowly dies out. A playful smile present on her face.   
  
"So, what?" I play dumb, she rolls her eyes, obviously exasperated. What? Things have been complicated lately, for me to pour my heart out, although it seems as though there is no heart, just an empty hole, would be ridiculous. Maybe its the way to go. Telling anyone else would be awkward, but telling her seems right. Maybe the only right thing at the moment. She is about to open her mouth, scold me for playing dumb, but I start speaking before she can. "I think I've been lying to myself." A look of confusion washes over her. I bring her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her waist. Wanting to be as close as possible right now. She nuzzles her head against my chest, sighing as I continue. "With Becca..." She now looks more confused then ever, she tries to interject, but I quickly place a finger over her lips. Wanting to explain to her without any interruptions, what is wrong. "I was living a lie. In a fairy tale. I built this fairy tale up in my mind, thinking that, that Becca and I were perfect, meant to be. Nothing could ever go wrong. When she died, that fairy tale was crushed. I realised that it wasn't possible. Perfection was a lie, a glossed over truth. It wasn't possible, it just wasn't. The day she died, I realised it. I figured my life had ended... The fairy tale ended." I pause watching her for a moment, taking in her reaction. Her face is blank. She plays with the buttons on my shirt, nodding her head in my direction, urging me to continue. "Turns out the fairy tale had ended long before her death. It didn't even exist. She cheated on me." I laugh a little. Too many emotions, unable to pick which one to run on. The feelings start to overwhelm me. Now that I've told her it seems a little more real. Life seems more real. She gently squeezes my hand, as she continues to nervously fiddle with the buttons of my shirt. She manages to pop one open, giggling a little, before looking up at me.   
  
"I don't know what to say. I wish I did. But nothing I say..." She swallows, "nothing I say is going to take your pain away." She says gently. "Its still going to hurt..." She's right.   
  
"I know." I sigh, "Its okay... I guess it feels better to tell someone." We sit in compatible silence, our hearts beating somewhat in sync, if that's even possible. I'm not sure. I'm not sure if any of this is real, if it will amount to anything, or if she will just give up and run the next time something happens. Why wouldn't she, she has in the past, there is nothing keeping her with me. If there is any emotion, any true feelings, I think they are hide. She's painted herself a mask, it protects her from everything... everyone. Even those who she should let in, she won't. I'm not sure why. I would spend my whole life tearing down each brick, washing off each layer of paint she's lathered on. If she'd let me. She won't. She refuses to let anyone in. So why bother trying? I'm not sure, but there is something there, something that draws me to her. Its like electricity, every time I see her... Boom. Maybe I'm crazy, I'm pretty sure that I am, but I feel it.   
  
"Hey." I nudge her a bit, breaking the silence. She tilts her head ever so slightly, the smile still on her lips. "Let's go for a walk."  
  
"I don't think I can walk... Not far at least." she sighs, obviously defeated, and fed up. I would be too, if I was bed ridden. Some days I do wish I could just lie down and never wake up. Everything would go away. Then I snap back, remembering I have two children to support, two children who need me. I need them too. The river runs both ways, its that simple. They're my life.   
  
"I'll push you." I suggest, I sit up carefully, she balances against the wall. A wheel chair sits in the corner of the room. I bring it closer to the bed helping her in. She rolls her eyes. I know how much she is hating this. Having to let someone else take care of her. Something she is not use too. Not at all.   
  
"I hate this." I laugh, she obviously doesn't think this is funny. A frown is strewn across her face. Geez, lighten up Abby. We're just going for a walk... or you're going for a ride, or a push. No need to get all cranky. "What?" She asks, her voice full of annoyance.   
  
"You're so cute when you're like this."   
  
"Like what? Hospitalized? Unable to walk? Heartbroken? Vulnerable? Torn apart?" I didn't mean to offend her, nor did I mean any of those things when I made that comment.   
  
"Pouting." I say a little irritated, not enjoying being snapped at. She mouths the word 'oh,' as I push her out the hospital entrance.   
  
Its a pretty nice day, the suns out, the wind isn't too insane. It gently blows through Abby's hair, which she seems to enjoy. A little freedom from the hospital life. Its one thing when your the nurse, another when you're the patient. She watches people walk by her, something I can't say I've ever seen Abby do. She always seems so caught up in her own life, her own woes, that she doesn't see what's going on around her. Not a lot of people do. But its pretty amazing. The way people interact, each differently. It makes you wonder how we can all come together in this world, how manage... Someday I don't think we are managing so well, but when the day is done, for the most part, its okay. The different lifestyles, different cultures, colours of skin... They can mesh. If we could just all always mesh... I shake my head, realising how stupid I have suddenly become. I focus more on Abby... She fiddles with the foam on the arm of the chair.   
  
"Its pretty nice out, huh?" I try to make small talk, its usually pretty easy for us. Right now she just seems content on people watching. She nods in response, then turns back to her aforementioned duties. "I use to come down here a lot, Becca and I use to bring the kids down here." I say as we had more towards the river. "I haven't been down here in a while. Too many memories."   
  
"I know what you mean. Those places where you use to go to feel safe, no longer feel so safe." Its like she read my mind. I stop by a bench, parking the chair there. She looks at me, as I am about to sit down, she reaches her hand out, and I suddenly get it. I help her out of the chair, she sits down next to me on the bench. A few people walk by giving us strange looks, yah so maybe sitting on a bench in the middle of the day in your pyjamas is a little weird. Abby doesn't seem to mind though. I didn't think she would.   
  
"Where's Luka?" She shakes her head, pushing her uncooperative hair out of her eyes.   
  
"Where he belongs. Africa." She continues to stare out, never making eye contact with me, never even glancing at me. Me on the other hand, I can't take my eyes off of her.   
  
"Oh, sorry." I offer lamely. She swallows hard before laughing.   
  
"No... Don't be. I'm glad he's gone. We wouldn't work, we didn't work when we were together, nothings changed. Except I was almost road kill. Other than that, we are the same people. We couldn't do it." That may be the best thing. I rest my head in my hands, she slowly places a hand on my back, it creeps up to my hair. Running through it carelessly, before cupping my cheek with it. I look at her slowly, our eyes meeting. The moment is here. Everything clicks, suddenly fitting into place. As much as I try to fight it I can't. Not anymore. I remove her hand from my cheek, sitting up. I lean forward, ever so carefully, making sure she feels the same I do. She smiles a little, uh huh, my signal. Our lips brush, we've done this many times before. Yet this time feels different, new... She slides her tongue across my lip, I pull away, still smiling. Her arms encircle my neck, and I pull her closely. Her chest resting against mine. Its moments like this, days like this, that I wish I could just freeze time, slow everything down. Hold on for just a second longer. Everything feels right, I know in a few days, or hours even, this moment will be buried, no longer in our memories, over ridden with all the pain. The pain that seems to lurk over us, waiting for the perfect moment then attacking. Sinking its teeth in. Her hands run down my back, I capture it in my own, pulling away to plant a kiss on her lips. This one quicker, simpler, but with the same intensity. She smiles a little.   
  
"Don't you have a shift to work?" She asks, still smiling.  
  
"You trying to get rid of me?" She shrugs, I help her up. I'll grab of coffee on the way back to work, it will help me stay awake, since someone interrupted my sleep. Although, I am kind of glad they did. They made my day. She sits in the chair, as we head back to the hospital, grabbing a cup of coffee on the way in. Before we can make it into the hospital two small people bound over to us. A smile on one of their faces, a frown on the other.   
  
"Abby!" Seb screeches as he leaps forward, almost jumping into her arms. I figure that's probably not the best thing for her. To have a tiny body leap into her already fragile body, if she isn't completely broken now, she will be by the time he's finished cannon balling into her lap. I grab him, pulling him into my own arms.   
  
"Sebastian, lets be gentle with Abby... Okay?" He nods reluctantly. I set him down a safe distance away from Abby, I don't need him hurting her. It will only make it harder to do all those kinky things in bed with her, if he does. Maddie stays a distance away, watching as Sebastian tells Abby a story. I approach her, enveloping her tiny body into my arms. She lays her head on my shouldering, heaving a deep sigh.   
  
"You want to go see Abby?" She shakes her head no, I look back at Seb and Abby, we are a pretty far distance away.   
  
"Why not?" I ask taking her hands in mine, I am now at eye level with her. She shrugs at me, before looking down at the dirt covered ground. "You were really worried about her before." She just looks at me, a blank expression on her face. I hate it, these women are all the same.   
  
"Is she okay?" She asks, tears obvious in her voice. She covers her face with her hands, taking a deep breath, once she moves her hand its not even noticeable that she once had red eyes, from gathered tears.   
  
"Yeah she is going to be fine. She'd really like to see you sweetie." She just shakes her head. Susan appears, Madison takes this opportunity to leap into her arms. Freeing herself from my persistent questioning. I stand up sighing. Susan gives me an empathetic look, while rubbing Maddies back soothingly.   
  
"I'm heading home, why don't I take the kids, you can pick them up on your way home..." I give Susan a questioning look. I'm off, in about half an hour, why would I go to all the trouble of Susan taking them, then me picking them up. Its out of my way, doesn't make sense... Oh...   
  
"Uh-" She looks at Abby, right. For some reason Susan seems to support our relationship, or whatever you hell you call it. I wish I knew, but I don't. Its probably better this way. Not quite as defined. I leave Madison with Susan, and prepare to free Abby of Sebastian, when I get over there he is still telling Abby stories, but they are not the usual stories I hear Sebastian tell. Not about television shows, or ninja games, note even about Karate class... These ones are different. I stop about five feet away, neither one seeing me at first. I listen to Sebastian tell stories, not true stories, ones he's obviously conjured up, about his mom. I watch as Abby listens intently. I'm not sure what brought on these particular emotions on Sebastian's part. It could be that everyone else seems to be remembering Becca, given Abby's current state, and he feels left out. Because he really doesn't know anything about her. I hear him repeat a story I tell him about Becky...  
  
"... Then I puked all over her brand new dress." Oh yes, the time we were on our way to the benefit and Sebastian must of caught a bug, he threw up all over Becca's new dress. I chuckle to myself at the memory, the look on her face was priceless. My sudden outburst of laughter makes my presence known. They both turn and smile at me.   
  
"Bastian, why don't you go with Susan, she's going to take you home with her..." Sebastian plants a kiss on Abby's cheek.   
  
"Bye Abby." He smiles.  
  
"Bye Sebastian." She chuckles, I watch him join Madison and Susan, they head over to get a piece of pie, from across the street. Great, give them sugar.   
  
I push her back into the hospital, silence envelopes us once again. It doesn't bother me, its nice. Just to be able to be in a comfortable with her is reassuring. We get up to her room, the smile that was once on her face, is now gone. She's back in he, all alone. I'll come to visit her again, right after my shift. Promise.   
  
"Hey, I'll come visit you after my shift." She rolls her eyes, I lift her up and plop her down, gently, onto the bed. She holds onto my hand, just as I am about to leave. Leaving her is proving to be more difficult then leaving my kids. They usually glue themselves to my legs, she's doing the same thing, but to my hand.   
  
"Ugh-" She throws her head back, her grip still firm on my hand. I try to pry her fingers off, she won't let me. I give up, Kerry will only yell for about ten minutes, I can go through that for her. I grab a chair and sit down next to her.  
  
"I hope you know that Kerry's going to kill me, and its all your fault." She shrugs, thanks for caring Abby.   
  
I hold her hand for a moment, then lean forward. The glint of something around her neck catches my eye. I don't ever remember her wearing a necklace before, at least not one that looks like that. I reach out to grab it, but she grabs my wrist, giving me a questioning look. I slowly lift my eyes to meet hers... She looks down at her neck, her mouth forms an "O" shape. Yah, something weird is going on here. She does a double take of the necklace as well. Giving me a wondering look... Its her necklace, why is she asking me about it. I look back at her, she shrugs, so I take my hand away from hers and pick it up. Zoey? Zoey? Whose Zoey? I look at her, showing her the inscription. Her face goes blank, a new emotion then seems to take her over. I am not sure what one, shock? Amazement? Happiness? I'm not sure. I move my fingers, gently along the chain, only to see another part of the necklace has slipped behind her neck. Its a ring. I hold it in my fingers... Why does she have this? How does she have this? It was buried with her...  
  
~Review Responses~  
  
Tilde8884- I don't think this will be as long as Hate To Love And Back, but I think we will hit it pretty high, regarding chapters.   
  
Kayla- Thanks, just took a few chapters before it was completly clear I guess...   
  
smilez4eva- Hmmmm the necklace... hmmm lol read chapters oh jeese like 18-25 thats all that stuff lol 


	30. Confrontation

Authors Note- I am practically insane... No wait I am insane. So I didn't post the fic yesterday, sorry. Here it is today. i don't know. I like this chapter. I think its the knot tier (tire?) of the whole fic... well thus far... Maybe I don't. Maybe I think the chapter where Abby gets run over by a D MAC truck is the tying of the knot. I don't know lets ask Liby... Me: OKay what do u think is the knot tire of the fic? Liby: huh Me: what chapter do u think brings the fic together? Liby: i dunno... Well there u go folks... Nothing yet... Wait till they get Married.... ;)  
  
Chapter 30  
  
I venture into the brightly lit kitchen. The windows are all open and the sun breaks through them. Birds can be heard singing in the background and all of it has to be broken my Sebastian screaming my name. His little feet hit the floor as fast as they can and I'm instantly paralysed. I love him to death, but he's going to be my death. I see Carter's arms sweep him off his feet before he practically jumped on me and I give him a thankful glance. One day out of the hospital, and I really do not want to make a trip back there for a while. Unless it's as a nurse.  
  
  
  
"Hey Seb, remember what we said about being gentle with Abby?" He sticks his bottom lip out in an apologetic pout and I walk closer to him, placing a kiss on his cheek. Carter puts him down and he takes my hand slowly and leads me over to the table. He sits down on the chair next to me and leans on his hand, which is comfortably on the table. He looks at me intently and waits for me to say something. I start to laugh. He rolls his eyes and sighs, acting more like a parent fed up with his child, then a child fed up with his parents. Carter comes next to me, handing me a cup of tea. He ruffles Seb's hair and plops him off the seat.   
  
"Go get dressed." He sends Carter a cringed look on his face, but he lumbers up the stairs anyway. He sits down on the now empty chair and pulls my feet into his lap. His hands run over the sore muscles in my legs and thighs. I spent way too much time in bed, and now every short trip is killing me. His hands work wonders on every single knot. He stops for a minute and takes a sip of coffee. He puts his cup down and I reach for it. He slaps my hand away. I roll my eyes at him. He won't let me have any coffee. Its not fair. Coffee stunts growth. So what? I'm not going to grow any taller. That's why they invented heels. Not that I wear them all that often. They are completely uncomfortable.   
  
"Want me to stop by your apartment and get you anything?" I lean back against the chair and sigh. I still don't know what I'm doing here. I mean I never expected him to offer me his home. Its just a mess right now, and it doesn't help that I'm immobile.   
  
"I swear. As soon as I can make it up 15 stairs, I'm going home." He puts my feet back down on level ground and starts to laugh.  
  
"Last time I checked, I had to carry you up the five to the door." I snicker at him and he gives me a gentle kiss on the cheek. I hear Sebastian come running down the stairs and he almost falls as he turns the corner to the kitchen. He takes a running jump into Carter's lap and he's winded for a second. They look so much alike, it's unbelievable.   
  
"Where's Maddie?" Carter straightens his outfit after his latest attack and runs his hand quickly through Seb's hair.   
  
"She spent the night at a friend's house." I partially think that was because of me. She doesn't like me much, I'm not going to force anything either. I think Carter is though. I don't know what to do to warm up to her. I think she's just a little too overprotective of Carter. She knew her mom, Seb didn't. Both of them need some kind of mother figure in their lives. Susan has done it for the most part, but she's not a daily thing. He's done a great job on his own though.   
  
"Seb, why don't you go watch TV for a while. Abby and I need to talk." Sebastian scampers off towards the den and I watch him go. Carter starts to get up and I follow his lead. Of course my back doesn't exactly agree with me here. I feel his arms wrap around my body and he picks me up. He's been doing alot of that recently. I hope I haven't gained   
  
a lot of weight.   
  
"Yeah, your definitely on your way to getting up 15 stairs." I hit him on his arm and he laughs a little. He's carrying me towards the back porch. I hold on to his neck while he fusses with the doorknob. A shot of warm air shoot through the open door and hits my body. We walk outside and he places me on the swing near the sun. He sits down across from me, and pulls my legs back into his lap. I lean back and let the warm sun hit my body. I can feel a suddenly jolt run through my body.   
  
"So what did you want to talk about?" I sit up a bit and look at him. He's staring at something out at the distance.   
  
"Us." I shoot him a questioning glace and looks back at me.   
  
"I want to know what's going on between us." I lean my head against the soft material of the padded swing and play with the tips of my dirty hair.   
  
"Is there an us?" I watch him shrug his shoulders in reply to my question. I don't know what's going on between us. I don't want to be away from him at any second, but I can't read him. I don' know what he wants, and I'm more afraid that I'm not going to be what he wants. I never really explained anything to him last week, the necklace, the ring. I don't know myself how everything happened. It was such a strange dream. I still don't believe it. But it happened. I don't know what to believe. I don't believe myself anymore.   
  
I take my legs out of his lap and swing them over the edge so I'm sitting the same way he is. That took effort, and my back is going to be needing a little more than Tylenol can offer. I scoot closer to him, and he looks puzzled. I put my hand up to his cheek, and pull his face closer to mine. I skim my lips over his, but return for a deeper meaning. I'm searching for the answers, and I might be able to find them. My tongue invades his mouth slowly, his hands skim my body. My heart is pounding within my chest. I can feel goose bumps forming all over my body. I can feel my hands shaking. I can feel his soul through his lips. The sweetest taste in the world to me. I'm left drowning in a pool of him, nothing else matters to me anymore. An abrupt laugh sends us both scrambling. Sebastian stands in front of us, smile plastered on his face, hands covering the ever growing grin on his face.   
  
"Daddy and Abby sitting in a tree... K-I-S-S-I-N-G... First comes love.. Then comes marriage... Then comes a baby in a baby carriage." We both sink back into the swing, growing farther and farther away from each other. Why do I have a feeling we would have rather been caught having sex in some crazy position in a public place by our parents than kissing by a four year old monster. His giggling grows louder every second, and I look at Carter. His face is cherry red and he's trying to hold back from laughing at the irony of the situation. I put my hands out for Sebastian and he comes into my arms.   
  
"Hey Seb, can we talk to you for a minute?" He nods his head intently and Carter looks at me, puzzled as to what's going on. I give Sebastian a tight squeeze and kiss on the cheek.   
  
"Your daddy and I are gonna start dating. You know, when a boy and girl really like each other, and they want to be only with the other person." He nods his head, as if he understands everything I'm saying. I want to laugh, he plays the serious kid very well.   
  
"Are you two gonna make love?" I start choking on my words for a few minutes, I can't grasp a breath of air. I look at Carter and he's having the same problem. He looks absolutely traumatized.  
  
"Huh?" Its the only thing I can think of to say that won't sound that stupid. Carter's staring out into space with this worried expression on his face, and I still can't comprehend that his son just asked us if we were going to have sex. It's unbelievable. He sighs heavily and seems fed up with us adults for now.   
  
"Are you two in LOVE with each other?" We both breathe a heavy breath of relief and Carter start to gain his composure.   
  
"Enough questions Seb, lets get you to Mike's house." I give him a smile and he still seems to be gasping for air. He gets halfway to the door and turns around. He pushes Seb off towards the kitchen and comes back to me. He leans down and kiss me on the lips. I requite the gesture and suddenly I get the feeling we're being watched again. I break away from him and he rolls his eyes as the gleaming boy across the room.  
  
"I'll be back in about fifteen minutes." I nod my head and lay back down against the swing.   
  
"I'll be waiting."  
  
~Review Responses~  
  
Callie- Twists are fun... I don't have good twists, but Liby does... So I am reliant on her... heh  
  
tars- YAY CARBY! No more Luby... at least not as far as we've written  
  
lolo- No they suddenly appear within veiwing distances... Remember Carter hasn't been all the close to her recently...  
  
Kayla- I don't know... heh only time will tell I guess.  
  
Carby6- Heh... here it is.. or was...  
  
smilez4eva- Thank you... Yeah Becca gave it too her lol  
  
~Preview~  
  
"Is Abby going to move in with us?" Sebastian asks without batting an eye. I'm not sure if this is something he wants, or just curiosity.   
  
"No... Are you going to keep asking me these questions?"   
  
"What else do you want me to do?" I shrug, then a great idea pops into my head...... 


	31. Questions

Authors Note-- Two chapters for today, because I double posted chapter 30... not sure how guess I am insane. Also there are no review responses or previes, cause its my bday (yes I tell everyone while I enjoy it,c ause one day I will get so old that I will not want anyone to know...)due to that I dont have time to do the whole review response thing:(, so you get double chapters... enjoy :)  
  
Chapter 31  
  
"Are you going to get married?"  
  
"Not today..."  
  
"Maybe tomorrow?"   
  
"Not likely..."  
  
"How about babies?"   
  
"What about them? You want kids..."  
  
"I HAVE kids."   
  
"But, do you want kids with Abby?"  
  
"Who are you?" I throw my news paper down on the bed, he shrugs his shoulders, continuing to run his toy cars up and down my chest.   
  
"Abby only wants Dad for his money." Maddie says crinkling the corners of her math book.   
  
"No, she actually wants me for you, and your loving personality." I crack... Her tongue shoots out of her mouth, before slamming her math book closed. She jumps off the bed, almost sending Sebastian flying off my chest and into the wall... His fingers claw into my arms, he rests his head back on my chest, before returning to his previous game of leaving track marks, no not that kind, along his fathers chest.   
  
"Is Abby going to move in with us?" Sebastian asks without batting an eye. I'm not sure if this is something he wants, or just curiosity.   
  
"No... Are you going to keep asking me these questions?"   
  
"What else do you want me to do?" I shrug, then a great idea pops into my head.  
  
"Go bug your sister." A grin spreads across his face, he leaps off the bed, I bounce in the air, before settling nicely into a comfy position. I hear Abby puttering about in the closet, she's helping me pick something out for my important foundation meeting tomorrow. I don't actually need help, I can dress myself for the most part. But she has been bored lately. And itching to get out of my house. I don't blame her, Maddie has been nothing but a hellish little devil. Someone should smack her, oh wait, that would have to be me. Shit. Well, I guess she will just have to stay a brat a little longer, seeing as I don't have the balls to punish her.   
  
"How you doing in there?" I call, not making any attempt to go up and help her, even if she is hurt, or struggling.   
  
"Fine, just listening to your daughter berate me... Its pleasant, really."   
  
"Well you know Maddie, full of sunshine and happiness... Sees the good in everyone." She walks out of the closet rolling her eyes. She plops a pile of clothes down on the chair. She takes a look at them, debating whether she should continue her assault on my closet, or climb into bed with me. She chooses the latter, obviously. It is me, and I am irresistible. How could she not? She'd be a fool not too. Carefully she crawl into bed with me, she's been out of the hospital for a few days now. Slowly getting better. I watch over her, she hates it. I don't blame her. I am pretty protective.   
  
"She's a sweetheart." She sighs, plopping her head down on my chest, her fingers, lazily, running through my hair. I catch her other hand in my own, lacing her fingers through mine.   
  
"She is... Just she's also a little-" I search for the words to finish my sentence.  
  
"Spoiled?" Exactly. I know its my fault, but I can't help it. She has me wrapped around her little finger.   
  
"She is spoiled. There is nothing I can do about it." I sigh, hugging Abby closer to me. We sit in silence for a few moments, relishing in being alone, without tension. I finger her necklace, like I have done every day since I found it. She hasn't answered my questions of where its from and I haven't pushed her too. I know she'll tell me when she's ready. I can feel her eyes bore into me, waiting for me to ask again, she's been waiting for two weeks...  
  
"SEBASTIAN!" We both jerk up, looking out the ajar bedroom door. Sebastian is running away, terror etched across his face. Abby looks up at me quizzically, I shrug, just as curious as her. I know I told him to bug his sister, but that has never resulted in him running away scared. Soon we see Maddie run by with a knife in her hands. Great. I knew I should of hid those higher. I extract myself from Abby's grip running into the hallway. I manage to catch Madison by the tail of her shirt. She screeches as I pick her up. Taking the knife from her hands, thanking god that I kept the hard plastic covers on them. I can hear Abby padding up slowly behind us, taking the knife from me. I take a screaming Madison into her bedroom, throwing her onto the bed. I wait for a few moments hoping that she will calm down. No such luck. Her screams only grow louder, more desperate, and I think she even pops my ear drums. I watch her. Her arms and legs flailing in the air, face beet red. For some reason I don't think this has anything to do with her wayward brother. I reach for the door handle, taking another glance back, tears pouring down her cheeks.   
  
"Hey." I crawl into bed, Sebastian resting his head on the pillow next to her.   
  
"She okay?" I shrug. Probably not. But I can't let her keep doing this. Getting whatever she wants, I'm only hurting her. I can't force her to like Abby, but I can teach her to respect people. Something only I can teach her. I place a kiss on Abby's forehead. Instead of returning the gesture she ignores me completely. I shoot her a puzzled look, which she also chooses to ignore. Preferring to focus her attention on a scared looking Sebastian. I run my fingers down her back, she flinches, and I don't think its from her injuries. Curling Sebastian in her arms, she turns her back to me. He rests his head on her shoulder, grimacing at the shrill shrieks coming from Madison's room.   
  
"Hey, Seb... You want to go to bed." He looks at me with pleading eyes. Before digging his head into Abby's shoulder.  
  
"Can I sleep in Abby's room tonight?" Given the events of tonight, I figure its best to not tell him that Abby and I have been sleeping together. Abby places a kiss on his forehead.   
  
"Sure." Well, I guess my bed mate is leaving me. "Go get ready for bed..." Seb, jumps off the bed. Abby attempts to get up, I help her a little, she doesn't really seem thankful. I'm kind of disappointed she's leaving me for the night. I know we can't exactly have sex right now, I wouldn't want to hurt her more than she already is. She needs to heal up for all those positions I've read about in Karma Sutra. Becca wasn't very creative in the bedroom... Abby... I can tell she'd be a different story. I run my fingers along her back, my thoughts getting the best of me. I sit up, figuring its easier for me to start something, even though it won't be much, if I'm actually close to her. She looks at me, then quickly turns her face, but not before I can capture her lips with my own. The kiss starts off sweet, as usual, but her hands digging in my chest are telling me this is not going to go the way it usually does.   
  
"Piss off Carter." She stands up unsteadily. Reaching out for my shoulder to balance herself. I help her, then stand up myself.   
  
"What? What did I do?" Really, what did I do? I am not sure, clueless actually. Everything seemed to be going fine, these last few days have been wonderful. Now all the sudden she's glaring at me. PMS? Maybe... Hmmm, if this is what it's going to be like every month, if she's going to have mood swings I will have to figure a way to cope.   
  
"The way you dealt with Sebastian." Okay, now I am sure it has to be PMS, seeing as I am not sure what is wrong with the way I dealt with Seb. I saved him from his knife bearing sister, did I not?  
  
"What was wrong with the way I dealt with him?" I ask, a little offended, that she would even imply that I am not good with my children. Or that I may treat them badly.   
  
"You're so less affectionate with him then Maddie..." Well yah, he's never really needed the affection. Maddie on the other hand has. She's also a girl. She's more cuddly then he is. Sometimes this woman leaves me so confused.  
  
"Well... that- that's just the relationship we have... I guess... Is that okay with you? Am I allowed to have a certain type of relationship with each of my kids, or do I have to have the same one-"   
  
"Jesus Carter. I never said that! You're putting words in my mouth." She is getting angry right now. I am kind of lost.   
  
"You seem like you're implying it..." I say, my voice getting softer. She shakes her head.  
  
"No. I am saying you seem to spoil Madison, give her whatever she wants. Sebastian doesn't get the same treatment." What? Does she want me to spoil both my kids now, or drop the spoilage on Maddie down a level? Because if that is what she is saying then I agree. Madison has it to good. I am afraid that is because of her mother. The moment Becky died, I spoiled her, trying to fill the void of loosing her mother with materialistic things. It didn't work all that well, she's now a tad spoiled. She's even bratty. I haven't spoiled her as much lately, but I have given her the impression that she is a princess, which she is not. Right now I am attempting to give her a reality check. I guess Abby's stay has prompted that.  
  
"I'm not sure I follow..." She runs her fingers through her somewhat tangled hair. Dropping her hand to her side she pushes past me and out the door. "Goodnight." Goodnight? That's it. I seem to be more at a lost today, than any other day. She seems fed up with me. I love my children equally. 


	32. For the sake of arguement

Authors Note- Chapter 31 has been replaced... go read that authors note for all the details (not too many of those)  
  
Chapter 32   
  
I hold Sebastian's sleeping figure in my arms. It's about seven o'clock and the pains in my body have just begun to surface. I hate to wake him, but I think Carter wants to see him before anything goes. I sort of stole him last night. He needs to get his child under control. Sebastian is okay, but Madison is sure a candidate for therapy. And I do not need a medical degree to tell him that. She has no positive female role model in her life and a father that is wrapped around her finger. She'll turn out to be one of those mass murderers in the future or something if he doesn't do something. I start to shake Seb gently and his eyes flutter open. He gives me a smile but closes his eyes once again.   
  
"Seb... Come on, let's go." He cringes his little nose and moans in protest. I start to stand and up walk towards the door. His feet hit the floor a few minutes later and he's my by side. He pulls on my shirt and I roll my eyes. This is going to be a definte strain, but if its going to be for anyone, I want it to be for the man I love. I lean down and pull him into my arms. I bite my tongue before Seb learns any new words that his father would never approve of. See, holding him isn't the problem. It's getting him up there that kills me. He puts his head on my shoulder and after the initial pain has passed I'm good to go, go straight to the bottle of Valium. I make it to the kitchen and put him onto one of the high stools. Requires much less work for me. He swings his feet on the edge and I walk to the refridgerator. So I've gotten used to the house and all, but I'm not as comfortable when Carter's around. I don't know. I feel like he's always watching me. And after last night's feasco I doubt he's going to be too pleased with me. I hear him walking into the kitchen and Seb puts his hands out towards his father. Carter picks him up and swings him around, giving him a kiss on the cheek. He puts him back down and I hand Seb a cup of milk. Carter looks at me, but I have no clue what I should do. He deserved everything I said to him. Seb finishes his milk, leaving a path of the white liquid all over his face. I instinctively wipe it with my hand and Carter puts him down. He's soon pushed away towards the play room, or his room, or whever he wants to go. I sit down in Seb's place and Carter goes to the seat across from me. I play with the cup that Sebastian left.   
  
"Do you want me to take Seb so you can have time with Maddie?"  
  
I give him a simple statement. He obviously needs time to figure out what to do with her.   
  
"Why?" I want to hit him. I would if I could lift my arm far enough and high enough. What kind of question is why?   
  
"Because your daughter obviously needs help." He shoots me a glance that would make anyone shut up. But of course that one person is not going to be me. I care for him, for his children. They may resent me, well at least Madison can, but they will resent any woman that comes into their life. Carter has sheltered Maddie too much.  
  
"So now it's that obvious?" I sit straighter up, trying to ease the muscles in my back. I did not really need to end last night with an argument and start off today with an argument, but anything pretty much goes in this household. His seven year old daughter chased his four year old son around the house with a knife last night. That's absolutely normal. My mother did that to me before, but she was mentally unstable. There can be some things that can be excused, but not fully. Other things are just screaming for attention.   
  
"I got through three and a half years of medical school as second in my class. I think I know a psychologically damaged child when I meet one." His face slowly eases from anger to questioning to shock. I hadn't exactly meant for it to come out that way. It just sort of did. I never thought that never finishing medical school would come back to haunt me, but in so many ways it has. But at least I've got his attention. Maybe if I present the facts, move him someway to at least talk with her. An amateur could do an evaluation on a kid. its not always that easy, but in this case I think it would be.   
  
"Medical school?" I nod my head and wipe the streaks of condensation that formed on the cup. Its my best defense right now. The cup. He continues to look at me, amazed. I always liked the psychological stuff. I was pretty good at it, considering I had to understand my mother's diesase in order to save my life at times.   
  
"Let me take Seb. I have to go to the hospital to fill out some paperwork and get my schedule set for next week. I'll take him to the park or something after that. He'll be in good hands. And you need to talk to her. You know this could be PTSD. It happens in children more and more. You can't let her go on like this. You'll destroy yourself."  
  
I can see the reluctant expression on his face as he slowly gives in, and nods his head.   
  
"Take her to see a specialist." I can see him take a deep sigh. I think the fact that he has a problem is really beginning to sink in right now. I get up and walk up to him. I take his hand and place a kiss on his cheek.   
  
"It'll be okay. You'll see." He returns the kiss and squeezes my hand. The look of scheptisicm is clearly written on his face. I start towards my bedroom. I need to take a shower and get dressed. I've been thinking of doing something today, and I'm even more sure of it right now. We'll see what happens. I just hope I have enough courage to go through with it. Maddison walks by me, nose high in the air, pretending I don't exist. Sebastian lumpers after her, and I quickly block his way.   
  
"You're coming with me today, okay kiddo?" He smiles and nods his head enthusiastically.I ruffle his hair and he dodges out of my grasp. I start towards my bedroom against, but not before I yell at him to go get ready. I hear Maddison screaming in the kitchen at Carter, another tantrum. She's had nothing but them since I've been here. I might be a factor, but it doesn't necessarily mean it never happened before. Carter just seems to ignore it. I wish he would just smack her cute little butt once and she's shut up for a while. Its what parents have done for ages and ages hence. It hasn't caused any permanent mental damage and hasn't scarred kids for life. She might learn a little more respect while he's at it too. I wish I knew why she hated me so much. I have a few ideas but they seem to change every day.  
  
I shed my clothes and step into the shower. The warm water cleanses my body of all the inpurities of the days and I suddenly feel alive again. Such a strange thing a little bit of water can do. I make it quick though, because I know Sebastian, and by noon he's going to be dying to take a nap. I step out and towel dry my hair, wrapping another towel around my body. I walk back into my room, and there's a subtle knocking at the door. The door opens a few seconds later and Carter comes walking in.   
  
"Do you want to go with us to the hospital? I got in with Dr. Edwards." Sure why not, the more the merrier right? At least that means I don't have to drive and I don't have to walk much. I nod my head and I can feel him walking closer and closer to me. I push the hair out of my face that keeps on falling there as I shift through my clothes. I feel his lips against the edge of my neck, he's starting to tickle my skin. His hands wander aimlessly around my body and I find myself leaning into him. I turn my head and meet his lips as his hand slips almost hidden under the white towel. His dry hands meet my wet body in a nice fashion, but I reach and pull his hand out from his journey. I haven't had sex in weeks. I'm lusting just as much as he is. But right now is not the time. We are not stable as a relationship, and we've got two kids to factor into the equation, one of which hates me. I doubt having sex with her father will make her like me any more. I doubt she even knows what sex is. I just know that right now isn't the time. I pull away from his kiss and he dejectedly starts back towards the door. I wish I could give him some reassurance, but I don't know when it will be the right time. I decide on a pair of black pants and a dark grey shirt. I'm always the brightly dressed cheery one lighting up a room. At least the shirt is button up so there is no painful pulling over head action going on. After that, I walk back into the kitchen, grabbing my pills from their place on top of the refrigerator. They are in best access for me there. I take my dosages and drink them down with Carter's coffee, which I conveniently stole from his hand. Stolen coffee always tastes much better anyway. Stolen kisses always taste the sweetest. 


	33. Mishap

Authors Note- Sorry for the lack of updates this weekend. Its been pretty crazy.   
  
Chapter 33  
  
"You ready?" I poke my head into her bedroom once again. She's dressed this time, unfortunately. She scans the room, making a mental checklist of all the things she needs, and has to do before leaving. Everything seems to be okay, so she picks up her purse. I remain leaning against the frame, watching as she approaches me. She looks at a lot healthier, happier even. Her hair resting on her shoulders. She stops in front of me, pulling me in for a short kiss, all the while placing her hand in my own.   
  
"Ew." We both turn, seeing her standing in front of us. Arms dangling at her side. Anger written all over her face. Oh great. This is the last thing I need. She runs away, which only makes matters worse. If I go after her Abby will call me a sucker, if I don't my daughter will hate me for all eternity, or until the next Barbie doll comes out. I decide Madison can hate me. If I go after her its not going to help anything.   
  
"Come on kids..." I holler up the stairs. Abby ties my fingers with her own, leading me towards the front door. "She might not come down." I sigh, running my fingers through my hair.  
  
"John-" She says it in a warning tone, that for some reason upsets me. Its as though she is trying to tell me how to raise me kids.   
  
"Don't speak to me like that." I say it with a little force, "don't talk to me about this. You don't know a thing about kids, you've never had any kids. So don't lecture me on my own. I don't even know why I am listening to you-"  
  
"Dad." Abby's angry face, along with my own, turns toward Sebastian. He looks a little frightened, I don't speak to them in that voice, so I guess he would be.   
  
"Come on Seb, we'll meet up with your dad and Maddie later, okay?" He nods, a little frightened, he takes off up the stairs to grab something. Abby waits until he is gone before turning to me.  
  
"Don't act like you know a thing about me or my life, guess what baby, you don't. You have no fucking clue." Her voice an angry whisper. I mimic her tone.  
  
"Right back at you. You stay out of my business then. Don't tell me how to raise my daughter, I've been doing it fine for three years."  
  
"Obviously not." As if on cue Sebastian comes barrelling down the stairs grabbing Abby's hand and leading her out the door. I'm not sure what just went down. But I have a feeling its not good, and can't lead to anything good. I want to run after her, apologise, but I can't. I have a seven year old who is depending on me right now. Although she may not know it right now. Another part of me wants to shut her out completely. Leave her. But I can't. She means too much to me, I know she is right. I've been doing the best I can, it hasn't been easy. I'm not sure she understands that. She can waltz in here and out of here when ever she wants. These are my kids, my responsibility. Don't have the luxury of being able to leave.   
  
"Madison. Let's go." I break myself out of my thoughts, knowing I can't be late for the appointment.   
  
"I don't want to see her." She screeches. I shake my head. Why does she think she can just treat other people so badly, Abby has been nothing but nice. And Madison thinks she's her person punishing bag, or shit bowl. She has no respect. A good smack is probably in order.   
  
"Abby left." I call up to her. I wait a moment, knowing any minute she will appear down here. Tear stained cheeks, begging for forgiveness. How are all women the same? Even at seven. I see her silhouette appear at the stairs. There is my little girl. Just as I thought. Her chubby cheeks stained, her arms outstretched waiting for a hug. I grab her by the hand, refusing the hug offer. She whimpers softly, then a tear makes its way down her cheek. Not going to work Madison, just not going to work. I lead her out to the car, opening the door for her. She doesn't get in. Instead she crosses her arms firmly over her chest, protesting. Yeah, you be stubborn. I can be stubborn right back. I hop into the car, starting the engine. Preparing to back out just as she screeches. I watch as she jumps in the car, quickly buckling her seat belt, then closing the door. Yup, I out stubborned her.   
  
"Where are we going?" She baby talks. I roll my eyes, time for lesson two. I clamp my mouth closed. She knows how we speak in the house. Big girl voices. None of this whiny voiced crap.   
  
"Daddy..." She tries again. Still wrong voice. This time she exaggerates her words. Dragging each letter through the ground. I concentrate on my driving, trying to ignore her, and think about ways I can broach these kinds of subjects with Abby without having her blow up at me. For some reason she is very sensitive when it comes to children. I know everyone is. But it seems to go a little deeper with her. She has personal ties of some sort in this case. I know she lost a child... I cringe at the thought. I know I shouldn't. But I don't want her having a child with Luka. He didn't treat her right. Not badly, just not right. I think her loosing that child has hit her very hard. Getting hit by a car, then finding out that car wreck any hope she had of having a child. I am not sure she wants any. When she first met me she had no problem with voicing her dislike for children. Now... She seems to love them. At least Sebastian.   
  
"DAD!" Now she's screeching. I almost swerved into the other lane. Damn it.   
  
"Madison! No. Not in the car." I holler at her, not turning around. "You could have killed us. Do not, never again, never, scream in the car. I don't want to hear another damn word out of you." I turn around, as we have his a red light. "Got it?" My voice has lowered a bit. She nods, a little frightened. That sure as hell shut her up.   
  
We walk into the hospital, Maddie walking a few feet ahead of me, trying her best to ignore me. Although every few seconds she glances back at me. She walks through the hospital door first. Seeing Susan and Sebastian she heads over to them. I spy Abby talking to Weaver. She sees me, rolls her eyes, then turns away. I love you too Abby. Thanks, I hope we can always treat each other this well. I start towards her anyways.   
  
"Are you here to yell at me some more? Didn't get enough of it earlier?" Her back is to me, and she is filling out some paper work.   
  
"No. I'm here so you can continue telling me what a horrible parent I am to my kids." I hear her sigh, I wait a second. I came over here, she can turn around. No suck luck. She continues to ignore me. First she leaves at the house, after calling me a bad parent, now this. She's a real bitch today.   
  
"Madison, lets go." I get her from Susan. I can feel Abby staring at me. She's going to have to talk to me this time. I'm not doing it. She can stop being such a bitch. Its as simple as that. Madison rolls her eyes, hey her and Abby are getting more and more alike every day, she decides to walk behind me. Instead of beside me. I let her. I am not going to argue over this. If she gets lost, well... that wouldn't be good. I turn around, grabbing her hand roughly, she whines for a moment. I lead her to the elevator. Its crowded. A stank fills the air, Maddie turns her nose upward, yah the smells not pleasant for anyone.   
  
"Is Abby going to leave you?" She says, a little smile present on her face. I get this. She is trying to drive Abby away. I knell down to her level, taking her hands in my own.   
  
"No. But even if she did, there will be other women, Mad. There always will be. I love you, I love Seb, but you two will not be the only people in my life. I will always love you, you always mean a lot to me. But I will date. I care about Abby very much, and I don't plan on breaking up with her, so she could be around for a very long time. You are going to have to stop being like this." I tell her softly, but the lecture part is not lost on her. The doors open at the next floor.   
  
"I don't like her!" She stomps her foot, then quickly runs out the doors, just as they close. Oh fuck. Great, I lost my kid in a hospital. This is all I need. I shake my head, planning to get off at the next stop...  
  
~Review Responses~  
  
Kayla- Heh... Seb is cute..... hmm I'll think about the adoption thing lol  
  
smilez4eva- lol  
  
smilez4eva- lol thanks.   
  
FoxyWombat- lol thanks seb is so cute   
  
ER-Carby-Luva- We have 38 chapters writtten, so we will try to get at least one up a day...   
  
Fran- lol I know I am insane...  
  
trish- Lol no, that chapter was posted twice...  
  
Fran- lol I did thanks  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- lol we aren't that far ahead in our writing yet, but if we get far ahead we may be able to post two chapters everyday... hmmm... my bdayw as the 23rd  
  
Kayla- thanks, until we get far ahead it'll be one a day lol... 


	34. Pushing Back

Chapter 34  
  
I give Sebastian's sleeping body to Susan. I knew he would pass out eventually, I just didn't think it would be in the middle of my paperwork. Oh well, cute kid, he's tired. Susan rocks him back and forth gently. She just got off, but she's hanging around for rounds and some paperwork, so she said he would stay with him till I got back. I have to go talk to Elizabeth before I start anything. Susan doesn't know yet, she thinks something big is up. She just doesn't know how big. I give Seb a kiss and head toward the elevator doors. Stairs are my worst enemy right now. My doc keeps telling me the same things I already know. Don't work too much, don't strain your back, no carrying heavy things, keep away from stairs at all costs. Strangely enough, she said nothing about sex. Must of forgotten that one. I reach the floor and wander through the surgical suites to the main desk. I see Elizabeth's curly hair and I quickly make my way to her before she disappears again.   
  
"Dr. Corday?" She turns around and gives me a smile. Her arms wrap around me in a tight hug. I always liked her.   
  
"Up and about already?" I nod my head happily. I know Elizabeth was there through all my surgeries and rehab. She's really a wonderful surgeon and a great friend. I lean against the counter and she gives me a questioning look.  
  
"I actually have some news for you." She looks at me eagerly and I want to laugh. She's the first person I'm actually admitting this to, and it might be a little awkward sounding. I need to breath. Okay, Abby. You can do this. You can do this. Hell, you are doing this whether or not you want to.  
  
"I'm going back to medical school two weeks from now." Her mouth drops open into a wide smile. I nod my head, I can feel my own smile forming. God that felt great. I'm actually doing it. Time to take control of my own life for a change.   
  
"Congrats." I nod my head and play with the ends of my shirt for a second. Okay first part done, now how am I supposed to break the other news?  
  
"I'm your student." She gives me a look that just calmed my nerves. I didn't' know how she would take the news. Some doctors are uncomfortable being mentors or teachers to their friends. But obviously she's glad.   
  
"Good. I can get someone competent for a change. Listen, give me, or Shirley, a call a few days before you start. We can skip the introduction since I know you can handle it. We can get you into the OR." I give her another hug and she wanders off to another appendectomy. Just as I'm about to turn around, an ear piercing scream echoes through the floor. I could have sworn I've heard it before. I have. The devil child herself. I watch her from the corner. I guess Carter got desperate enough to let her loose in the hospital. I hope he's hoping that someone will either sedate her and ship her off to some child-labour work camp, or someone will be stupid enough to kidnap her. Either one would work just fine for me. He won't listen to my requests about selling her off to the gypsies. After another few minutes my sympathy for the monster begins to set in. She's crying like never before and I'm actually feeling sorry for the poor frightened little beast. I walk out and call her name. She turns around and comes running toward me. Her little arms wrap around my waist and her body shakes with sobs. I run my hands over her head, back, and shoulders trying to quiet her. One of the nurses that was chasing her gives me a glance, and I quickly tell her that I'll take her to her father. She nods her head and walks back off to work. I turn my attention back to Madison and she has stopped crying so loudly, but her tears still stream down her cheek.  
  
I give her my hand and she surprisingly takes it. I have no clue where Carter is, but I doubt he's worried too much. I lead her towards the elevator. I'll take her to the ER. At least Susan can deal with her. Because as soon as this whole experience settles, she'll start hating me again. We get of the elevator and I lead her toward the lounge. Susan's sitting at the table, with Sebastian still sleeping on the couch. Madison grabs a hold of my leg again and refuses to let go. I go to the couch, and move Seb a bit to the side. I sit down and Madison sits down next to me, wrapping her arms around me. I mouth "Where's Carter" to Susan but she shrugs her shoulders. She takes the phone and punches in his pager. I grab my own cell from my pocket and dial his cell. It rings a few times, but no answer.   
  
The door slams open and Carter walks in, looking completely pissed off. He looks at me with the most evil gaze, what the fuck is his problem? I return the love and send him a look that knocks him into place.   
  
"Madison." His voice echoes through the room, and Susan gets up. I think she knows this is a bad moment for this family. Whatever family means nowadays anyway. She walks out and sends me a signal that she'll be by the desk if we need her. Madison's arms grasp tighter around my body, and Sebastian is officially up. I pull Seb into my arms, since the sound of Carter's voice will probably echo in his ears for a while.   
  
"Madison." His voice is less loud, but still as fierce. Her nails are beginning to dig into my back and I don't think she could get any closer to me if she tried. I do nothing to protect her. She probably deserves what she's about to get, but I don't completely ignore her either. My hand stays around her like it was before. Her tears are soaking through my shirt right about now.   
  
"Come here." He sounds like he's talking to a dog or something, not his daughter. She does nothing but hold on closer to me. He looks about ready to erupt from anger. I think he needs a few anger management classes, but I'm not about to tell him that. He throws up his arms and storms out of the room. I wait a few seconds before picking Seb and Maddie off me and following him.   
  
I see him pacing the gravel lot outside the entrance. I walk up into yelling distance of him, because I have a feeling that this is not going to very pleasant conversation.   
  
"What the fuck is your problem? Your daughter is terrified!" He walks closer to me, I take a few steps backward to prevent myself from taking all his wrath. Why am I out here defending Madison again?   
  
"Like you know the first thing about parenting because you've raised so many children already!" I roll my eyes at his comment, at least we're in public. He wouldn't dare do anything to me. I keep my current distance and yes, open my big mouth again. The idiot doesn't know the first thing about what I've been through.   
  
"I raised my little brother because my mom was off her meds 99% of the time, so yeah I know a little bit." He looks at me but the anger has yet to subside. He's pacing the floor, he'll probably burn a hole through the asphalt if he tries.   
  
"Yeah, well these are MY kids. We were doing fine without you." I give him a sweet little smile and run my hand through my hair. He's in for it now. He is completely in for it now.  
  
"Right, right. You've got everything under control. I can see that by your spoiled brat of a daughter. Nice job on that one. Don't give me any of your shit. I've been through enough on my own, thanks. I might not have kids, but I had the option twice. The first time I made the stupid choice of aborting it. I was afraid of passing on the disease, of being a bad mother. Every single day of my life I wish I hadn't. And then well, the second time, thanks a lot Carter. I think that was all of your doing."  
  
I take a deep breath. My heart is beating and my pulse is racing like never before. It's an adrenaline rush right now. "So don't tell me that I have no clue what's going on. I spent years of my life raising my brother so he wouldn't end up screwed up like some of the misfits on the street. My mother was gone more than half the time, and I didn't do such a bad job. You're the one that fucked up your daughter. Now go do something about it because obviously she trusts me more right now than she does you."   
  
I turn around and quickly rush back off to the hospital. I am not hanging around to find out how he feels about all of this. I could care less. 


	35. Reaping The Benifits, Or Not So Much

Authors Note- I responded to your reviews, thank you very much for revieiwing.  
  
Rating- A14... (It has some content some people may not like.)   
  
Chapter 35  
  
The door opens with a definitive creak. I juggle Madison on one arm, Seb on the other. I place Madison in her bed, leaning down to place a kiss on her forehead. Even though she puts me through hell from time to time, I still love her. She's my life. So is this little guy. I rub his back, as he cuddles up closer to me. I realise it could be pretty tough to get him into his own bed. I leave Maddies bedroom, heading straight for Sebastian's. I try to get him into his own bed. His grip just tightens around my neck, his legs still wrapped around my waist. Soon he is hanging from me like a monkey on a tree. I cave and pick him up again, he sighs against my shoulder. Okay, you win this time little guy, but only because I am too tired to fight with you. Carrying him down the stairs and into the kitchen I spy something on the kitchen table. I finger the piece of paper...  
  
Carter,  
  
Call me when you've stopped being such a pompous, self involved jackass.  
  
Abby.  
  
I scrunch the paper in the palm of my hands. Great. I run my fingers along the edge of the key she left, also. Maybe I wasn't the nicest to her, she wasn't exactly a saint either. I am sick of being made out as the bad guy. I wasn't driving the car that hit her. I am sick and fucking tired of her judging my parenting. I quickly, without another thought, grab the phone and dial her phone number. It rings a few times, I use this time to strategically place Sebastian on the couch. He moans a little, but eventually relaxes.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Oh what, so now you're breaking up with me?" I say it with a little more anger and force then I originally intended. I lower my voice a little bit remembering Seb is sleeping in the next room.   
  
"Hello to you too, Carter. How am I? Oh I'm okay, other than my boyfriend being a complete asshole too me. Not the understanding man I thought he was when we first started dating." Her sarcasm does not pass me.   
  
"What do you want me to say, Abby. Huh? Do you want me to pity you 'cause you were afraid, so you do what you always do and succumbed to your fears? Do you want me to bring back those children that, unfortunately, you lost? Or hey, why don't I just knock you up, cause right now that would be the most plausible thing to do..." I trail off, running my fingers recklessly through my hair. Knocking over the few strands that were still standing. I don't really care, I'm not going anywhere or seeing anyone. I don't have to look nice.   
  
"Yeah Carter, get me pregnant that will help!" She fires back. Actually it probably would a little. At least it would help my sex life. Which is pretty much non existent, the odd kiss from Abby is all I seem to be getting, lately. Its better then before for the most part Susan's, 'hello' and 'goodbye,' kisses were all I would get.   
  
"Hey, you never know with you. Your mood seems to changing every day." Okay, so what, we're a little immature.   
  
"I pour my heart out to you... Okay, I scream my heart out to you... Things I have never told anyone before. This is how you react." She sighs, obviously hurt. I am not giving in yet though. I will win this one, for sake of being stubborn.  
  
"You want sympathy? You rip my parenting skill to shreds. Something I was so fucking afraid of doing in the first place. The one thing I am so unsure of, I couldn't fathom having to raise these kids alone, when we had them. Then it was dropped into my lap. Everyday I fear I might be screwing them up in some way. Then someone, who I feel strongly for, comes and verifies those fears. Now you want me to be sympathetic to you?" First she could show me the same respect. Then she just might get it back.   
  
"Goodbye Carter." Click. Figures. That's all it takes for Abby, she's a runner. Never one to confront her fears, confront problematic situations... She's a runner. Its as simple as that.   
  
Food seems like the only option right now. I will drown myself in my miseries by eating. Then I will be like a teenage girl whine about how fat I am for a few days. Okay, well maybe not the last part. I am a little puzzled, so are we officially over? It doesn't really seem like it. It seems as though we are in a fight right now. One that I am having an impossible time trying to find a solution for it. I would normally tell anyone else who budded into my life to back the hell out, but she is different. She's someone I want muddling and budding into my life. What I don't understand is that if she was so afraid of having her own child, why does she feel like she has the authority to critique the job I am doing on my children. She was afraid of doing the same thing I am now doing, so why does she rip me apart? I think I am actually doing a suffice job. Yeah, Madison is a little devil. But I think that is an accumulation of things, not just my parenting. I booked three appointments with Dr. Edwards for her, so maybe she can get some help. I really want her too. I don't need her ending up in a straight jacket, locked in a padded room, with a stamp that says 'insane' on her forehead, when she's older.   
  
"Daddy?" I pop a grape into my mouth, I'm eating healthy trying to work on my fine physique. I look at Madison, her hands up to her face, rubbing her tired eyes.   
  
"Yeah?" She walks over to me hugging herself to my leg. I rub her hair, she hasn't been sweet to me in a while. Is this because Abby left? She was friendlier towards Abby today than she was to me. But that could of been a momentary glitch in her master plan. An emotional moment.   
  
"Does Abby hate me?" Good question. I don't think so, I think she is frustrated and wonders why Maddie has such a strong dislike for her.   
  
"No why?" I lower myself to her level, sensing the urgency and fear in her voice. If Abby hates anyone right now I think it would be me. Not that I don't have the same feelings for her. At the moment. Not all the time, just right now.  
  
"Cause she left." A tear escapes her eyes, tracing its way down her cheek. I quickly wipe it away. Yeah, she left cause of me kiddo. If she was going to leave because of you she would have done it a long time ago. "I'll be nice to her." She collapses into my arms. Her head buried in my shoulder. "I promise." I pick her sobbing form up, taking her into the room where Sebastian sleeps. Now if I could just get her to tell Abby that. Maybe she was just testing Abby this whole time. Pushing her away seeing if she would come back. Its a possibility, hell anything is right now. She lost her mother, she doesn't want to loose another person who is like a mother. She won't. Not if I can help it. Something itches inside of me, telling to call Abby... Apologise, if not for the sake of our somewhat mangled relationship, for the sake of my somewhat mangled daughter. I fight the annoying pressure off. I won't cave. At least not yet. Madison's tears seem to have subsided. Her head resting against my chest. I yelled at her after I got through with yelling at Abby. I don't really regret it. I know some of that anger was targeted towards Abby, but Madison deserved to be hollered at. She hasn't been taught any lessons and she needed for that to happen.   
  
"Honey. She left because of me. I had a fight with Abby. Abby wouldn't leave because of you." I can feel her nod into my chest. I'm not sure that has soothed her worries, but it will have to do for now.   
  
~*~  
  
"Med School?" She looks up from her charts. Her eyes focused on my own. She just shrugs, walking in the opposite direction. "The kids miss you." I follow her, I can see she is trying to get rid of me. It won't be that easy. I haven't seen her in two weeks, I'm not going to let this go very easily.   
  
"I'm more concerned if their father misses me." She tucks the chart under her arms. Her eyes lock on mine, I've managed to corner her just outside an exam room. I physically corner her, she mentally and emotionally corners me. My mouth is agape... I am not sure what to say. I do miss her, but I don't want to admit it. That would be admitting I am wrong. "Well, that's the reaction I expected." She shrugs pushing past me.  
  
"So, what prompted med school?" She shrugs again. Nothing. Nota? Yeah right. I can't be sure, but I am assuming it dates back to around two weeks ago, when we got into a couple of yelling matches. I can't be sure though, I don't want to be conceited and think I had anything to do with this.   
  
"Look Carter, I have to go back upstairs." She calls over her shoulder at me. I stop in my tracks watching her go back upstairs. I miss the closeness between us. I can feel a definite distance, I can feel us growing even further apart if I don't do something quickly. Seeing as she won't I will. I don't really want to, and this is no means a way of apologizing. I am just doing this for our relationship, and my kids. Yes, my kids. I jog up along side her.  
  
"Come over tonight." She shoots me a questioning glance, but doesn't slow down. "Just come over, it doesn't have to be for dinner. We can talk... Or whatever... or you could spend time with the kids, Madison has been asking about you." She rolls her eyes, releasing a bitter laugh. What, she really has been. As hard as that may be to believe Madison actually misses Abby. Sometimes I wonder if she just misses Abby, because she could be mean to her. But she has Maddie has Sebastian for that, so that can't possibly be the case.   
  
"I don't know." You never do.   
  
"Just come." I leave her standing there. I am not saying anything more. Nothing more needs to be said. She just has to be there. I want her there. I know she wants to be there. A smile washes over myself. I am kind of proud too. She went back. She'll be a great doctor, she was a great nurse, she'll be an even greater Doctor. No doubt in my mind about it. I wonder how she is swinging that financially. It must be pretty tight. She couldn't be picking up too many nursing shifts, she'd still be pretty run down from the accident. If she needs help all she has to do is ask.   
  
~*~  
  
This has to have been the longest day of my life. I haven't seen Abby since earlier today, seeing as its now ten at night, I am assuming she is not coming over. I untuck the tail of shirts from my tightly fastened pants. Walking into the bedroom I flick on the light. Not to sound like a pig, but I was hoping maybe we could make up then make out. Hm, I guess that won't be happening at least not today. I gave her, her key back though. I slipped it into the locker, just in case we weren't home. I have been talking the kids to the park lately, so that was always a possibility. Although we didn't do that tonight. I quickly unbutton my shirt, throwing it over a chair. I stop, so I can't fool around with Abby that doesn't mean I can't... That's how I have been getting by these last couple of years. That could be how I have to get by for the rest of my life, especially if I keep being such a dick to women. I pull of my pants, throwing them on the same chair as my shirt. Speaking of dicks... I lay on top of my bed, preparing to give myself the only relief I will ever get, unless Abby miraculously shows up, which I am not sure would be a good thing, considering the position I am in right now.   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
(Chapter 33)  
  
Kayla- They do fight a lot, but things could always get better for them. Madison is a brat... So far.  
  
tars- We did include the abortion in the story, we felt it would help to escalate Abby's baby woes, so to speak... But she lost her baby with Luka due to the accident, the aborotion was with Richard, as it is in the show.   
  
smilez4eva- Yah, I would hate to be lost in County. It would suck. Unless of course I was with Carter the whole time ;)... But she is his daughter so... lol  
  
(Chapter 34)  
  
Kayla- Abby was a bit pissed, I can see both sides though.  
  
ERCarbyLuva- Don't worry, we have 40 chapters done, and I am almost finished Chapter 41.  
  
illbethere4u- Thank you very Much. No we are not yet finished, we only have 40 almost 41 chapters done. We wrote another fic together, Hate To Love And Back, and had 107 chapters I think... But I don't think we will get that many with this story.   
  
smilez4eva- Thanks... Yeah, I wish they would have dealt with their problems in the show :(... Oh, I meant to ask you what happened with Molly's story? I liked it lol... Oh and I hated reading Frankenstien... lol I don't even Think I finished it.  
  
~Preview~  
  
I go up the stairs, unless he's already sleeping. Then I'll just leave. I get to his door, I push down on the handle very gently, hoping to god that he's asleep. I push the door open, almost unheard. But what I find is definitely NOT a sleeping Carter. 


	36. Bumping Uglies

Authors Note- Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter... here is the next one. I plan to do respond to reviews and post previews on a regular basis. Just thought I'd let you know. Now I'm going back to listening to my country music:) Hope you like the chapter.   
  
Rating- I don't want to have to bump this fic to an R, but there is R material in this chapter, as there was in the last. So I am warning you. There is content which could render you helpless.... or just pissed off with me, actaully Liby, cause she wrote this chapter. So if you are offended by sex or swearing X this box closed... But if you are not any of the above things... you may just like this chapter... take a read.   
  
Chapter 36  
  
I lumber slowly up the stairs, I don't even know what I'm doing here. I have the sense to turn around and go home, but I can't. Something's pulling me inside this house. Every muscle in my body aches and I can't see straight. I had to stay late with Elizabeth on a bowel resection. My head is throbbing, and that's not the only thing that's been throbbing either. I slip the key he left in my locker into the door. It pops open, the lights are still on. Well some of them, anyway. I close the door behind me and lock it. My heels hit the marble floor and echo through the empty house. I check the kitchen and den, of course he's not there. Why did he want me to come again? The stupid asshole's not even home. I walk towards Sebastian's room and open the door. I step in and in the dim light I see his sleeping form. I walk over to him and place a small kiss on his forehead. I tip toe out of the room and into Madison's next door. Well at least she hasn't burned the house down yet. I walk in and pull the covers over her body and close her window. If he's not trying to kill her, why the hell would he leave the window open. It's freezing. I walk out of that experience chilled to the bone.  
  
I go up the stairs, unless he's already sleeping. Then I'll just leave. I get to his door, I push down on the handle very gently, hoping to god that he's asleep. I push the door open, almost unheard. But what I find is definitely NOT a sleeping Carter. I stand frozen in the moment. Okay so he hasn't had sex in a while. Well with a woman anyway. Isn't masturbation illegal in some religions? Meh, definitely not in my book. His eyes are closed, enjoying the moment all too well. I think he's oblivious to the world around him. But I would greatly enjoy watching Madison or Sebastian walk in on this. The carpet stifles the sound of my shoes as I make my way closer to him. He still has no clue that someone is in the room with him. As much as I hate to say it, this is strangely erotic. I silently slip off my shoes, leaving them in the middle of the room. His moans echo around the four walls, and everything I've felt in the last few weeks is definitely starting to take its toll. I can get up stairs. Yeah, I think this can work. I don't care anymore, heaven forbid I end up in his position. I've never had that happen. There's always some willing sucker. I need to get laid. And Carter's the man to do it.   
  
Damn it. The door. It will have to wait.  
  
As I get closer to him, I've got the full inspection. Not bad at all. A little chubby on the waist, but at least there's a bit of cushion. I grab his already clenched hands and he jumps a few inches off the bed. He has this terrified, scared, embarrassed look on his face, and it's almost kinda cute. His hands have long since gone, leaving me all the more fun. I slowly make my way on top of him, my hands working their magic. He wants to be embarrassed but the throbbing between his legs is making that a little hard. I sit on top of him and then lie down, meeting his lips in my own. His hands have started again, reaching for the buttons on my shirt and the clasps of my bra. The prefect day I chose to wear a skirt. It will make things ten times easier. My tongue shoots through his mouth, my body gearing for the anticipation. He starts to turn me around, I slam his shoulders down onto the bed. I don't think so sweetie. I'm in charge. He has this sickening little smirk along his face, and well, I'm done dealing with it. I push the black skirt along with my undies off and over the edge of the bed. My clothes are strewn all around the room. I run my hands along his body, slowly teasing him in all the right places. Holding it in for him is gonna be a challenge. So I've been told by Susan he hasn't gotten laid by a woman since his wife. That should be interesting. He takes my nipples between his fingers and starts teasing them. I lean forward toward his ear.   
  
"Do with your mouth what you do with your fingers."  
  
A smile spreads across the poor sap's face and believe me, that commentary was worth it. I'm still waiting for him to get aggressive. That's always the more exciting kind of sex. I lean down and place kisses on the one thing I know is harder than a diamond right now. His moans grow louder and longer. Suddenly I'm somehow underneath him. His lips run over my whole body and I lead him. My nails are digging into his back. Oh well. Pain for pleasure right? Nothing ever came without a price. Of course this might mean I'm popping a few Tylenol tomorrow. I can deal with that as well. His tongue does laps around my thighs, just do it already goddamnit. He comes back up, meeting my lips. I think he's just found out how badly I need this. And how hard I've had to work for him... Or it... Or whatever. Cut the formalities. Just get on with it sweetheart. I feel him slip between, fingers coming in and out. I can do that myself. I wish he would get the idea. He comes back up and I line his body up with mine. I hold on to his body as close as I can, arching my back into some type of position where its not going to hurt too much when he starts showing me what he's got. Or I start teaching him how its done. My legs wrap around his lower back and suddenly he's slowly going in. I start the rhythm, I know you've probably done it nice and slow before, but right now I need this hard. I can see the look on his face of pure joy, and my body is enjoying this as much as he is. My heart is pounding and I know I'm close. This is probably his third of the night. Since he seemed pretty happy with his hand before. The moment shoots through my body and I'm slowly gliding down to earth. He has the biggest goofiest grin on his face as he lies down next to me. He rests his head on the pillow next to me, his arm lying loosely against my stomach. He gives me yet another kiss as he settles on the soft sheets. I drape the covers over us and curl into his inviting arms.   
  
"I'm still mad at you, I hope you know that." He nods his head and gives me another kiss.   
  
"I hate you." He continues sucking on my bare shoulder.   
  
"I love you, too." I reach for his lips and develop him into another round of tonsil hockey. Of course I'm going to win, but whatever he wants. His hands roam around my body. It feels like its been forever since the last time I was with a man. I break away from him   
  
"One time and that's it? You're out of practice." He sticks his tongue out at me and I quickly catch it with my own. I tease him with my fingertips and he's breathing heavily, but I don't think he wants this to stop. I lean back against the pillow and he smiles at me.   
  
"Make up sex is the best...." I slowly start to push away from him.   
  
"Who said we made up? You were in need of help, and being the good friend that I am, I helped you." The inconsiderate bastard. Oh well. Men.   
  
"Susan's also a good friend. And she's never done that." I pull a shirt off the floor and begin to sit up. As much as I want to stay here, I highly doubt that would be a good idea. I mean sex okay fine, big deal. But waking up next to him after sex is another story.   
  
"Yeah.. Well... Susan's a prude."  
  
I hear his laughter as I make my way to the door. I leave the rest of my clothes on his floor. I'll sleep in one of his twenty bedrooms tonight. I highly doubt that he will mind. I almost make it out alive. Well not completely. I hear someone's footsteps behind me. I turn around and see Sebastian at the edge of the hallway. Carter comes out the door, standing a few feet away from me. Thank god he wrapped something around himself. Too bad it had to be a sheet. Such a shame it looks like he has a pole hiding under the sheet.   
  
"Seb." In his half-awake state he comes running towards me. He looks like he's about to fall, or plough into something. I quicken my pace and grab him into my arms.  
  
"Mommy." I suddenly freeze at the name. I don't let Seb know this, but Carter's eyes look ready to do some damage. I rock Seb in my arms, he seems to be my shield right now. I did nothing to bring this on, I swear. I hear Seb take a deep breath and lay his head on my shoulder.   
  
"Come on Seb, let's go to bed?" He nods his tiny head and I lead him into the bedroom next to Carter's. Its going to be a rough morning.   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
smilez4eva- lol we do it easily, only cause there is two of us, and we write three chapters a day on the weekend from time to time. We usually write about three to four chapters before we post any, just to get a head start. Although with Hate To Love and Back we became about thirty chapters ahead. In this fic, I don't think we will, we have school and much more that we didn't have then and do now. So I agree it can be hard. I'm glad to hear Molly's story is up and running:) I will be sure to read the next chapter you post.  
  
tars- No problem, lol. You might have known some of that, I just thought I'd clarify everything for you. Maddie was a bit of a pain though, lol. So maybe she deserves what she gets, hopefully she won't do it again.   
  
ER-Carby-Luva- lol thanks. We haven't really decided what their relationship is yet. We bounce it off the wall for a while. It stays undetermined.   
  
march- LOL the guy has had no sex for three years lol, I'm pretty sure he'd take anyone... lol, but he prefers Abby lol.  
  
Maven- lol every seems to like the preview lol, this chapter was amusing lol. It was funny reading it for me lol.  
  
Kayla- lol thank you. Yeah, the chapter was amusing... Till the end Carter did not seem pleased.  
  
trish- haha thanks. Not want anyone expected Carter to do. He's a guy. LOL  
  
Tracey- HAHA thank you very much. Oh I just wanted to thank you for reading Bleeding Hearts lol, you were the only person I was like YAY I got a review lol. Thanks. Hope you liked this chapter lol  
  
~Preview~  
  
"Yeah for you." She approaches me, wrapping her arms around my waist, then slowly tracing her fingers down my pants too my...  
  
"Hey, hey, hey... We are at work.. Unless you plan to finish me off, then you better stop." I shove her hand away, she responds by laughing into my chest planting a kiss on my scrub clad chest. 


	37. Twisting tables

Authors Note- Updates a little sooner today. Nothing really to tell, just take a read.   
  
Rating- R content, as was the last few chapters... We break away from it next chapter, but for now, this is what it is.   
  
Chapter 37  
  
I tap my fingers impatiently against the tile counter top. The coffee continues to brew, it can't be done fast enough. I try to focus on the coffee, or the birds chirping annoyingly outside. Anything but her, anything but what happened last night. I still don't believe that he said that. I know its not his fault, he's five, he was sleeping, or sleepy. It doesn't matter, it just knocked the wind out of me. I couldn't believe it. I draw my attention back to the coffee maker, which has finally finished up its duties. I pour myself a cup of the scalding hot liquid, knowing it will burn my tongue the minute it enters my mouth. I can't be bothered to wait. I down the murky brown fluid.   
  
"You don't take it with anything?" I snap my head to the right, managing to spill it down my shirt.   
  
"Shit." I can hear her stifle a laugh. I get the urge to yell at her, but fight it off. She knows I take my coffee black, or at least I do today. She stands in the door frame watching as I unbutton my shirt, only to reveal an equally stained white t-shirt. I bring it over my head. Balling the articles of clothing up and tossing them into a corner in the hall.   
  
"Sorry." She says bashfully. Yah, I'm sure you are. She pulls down on the shirt she is wearing, one I recognize as my own. It does look better on her then it ever did on me.   
  
"You need something?" Biting down on her bottom lip she shakes her head no. I pick my coffee up taking another sip, this time not spilling it down myself. I don't feel like dealing with her and her antics today. What is she going to say this time, I drove Sebastian to her? It wouldn't surprise me if she did. I push past her into the hall. I need to change then get out of the house. She can stay as long as she wants, I don't care anymore. I can't be bothered too. Its just a game to her. I feel her on my heels, as I approach my bedroom. She remains right behind me as I rifle through my closet. Until she makes her move, slowly she drops her hand onto my back. I flinch slightly, trying to make it as noticeable as possible.  
  
"John-" She tries, I flip around. She looks a little nervous at first, but her face soon hardens, she's ready for a fight. If that's what she wants, that is what she will get. I open my mouth. Nothing comes out. I don't know what to say. I know it wasn't her fault that Sebastian said that, it wasn't his fault. I just can't help being mad... I don't really want to be. Not after last night. But I guess her leaving me, then my son calling her mom was not a good mixture. She trail her finger down my chest for a moment. Waiting for me to pull away, or push her away. I do neither. Something's holding me back, holding me there with her. She broaches me, this time wrapping her arms around my waist. Her dishevelled hair lays on her shoulders. I run my fingers through it, getting lost in the tangles. She nuzzles up closer to my chest. Placing lazy kisses around my nipples.   
  
"I'm sorry-" Her voice breaks. Sorry? I wonder for what incident she is apologizing for. I don't push her, she will tell me. I am assuming its for last night. I hope she is only apologizing for one part of last night. Because, well the first part was amazing. She has no reason to apologise. But for some reason it makes me feel that much better. I place a kiss on her temple. She sighs into my chest. I run my fingers underneath her...my t-shirt. I run my fingers around her front, slowly making my way up her chest. Before a firm hand wraps around my wrist. "I have work." When? I'm sure we could be quick.   
  
I lean down kissing her, I run my tongue along her lips, begging for entrance. She doesn't oblige. "I have to be at work in oh..." She glances at my alarm clock, "Thirty Minutes." Well I could work quickly. And after last nights display, I'm pretty sure she can too. I shrug my shoulders, a coy smile playing on my lips. "I can't." She leans up and pecks me on the lips. "I have to shower...and swing by my place to get clothes." Agh... She can't do this to me. She intertwines her fingers with my own, leading me out of the bedroom. I hold my clothes in my spare hand, letting her lead me where ever she wants. We end up in her room, where she starts to get dressed. No... No... No... Don't put it on, take it off, take it all off! I sit down on her bed, watching as she quickly dresses herself. She clamps her bra, pulls on her skirt. Before she can dash my hopes any further I pull her over to me. Resting her hands on my shoulders I slowly lean in and kiss her, she reciprocates the kiss, before pulling away.   
  
"I really have to go." She pulls on her top over her head then reaches for mine. Tugging it over my head.   
  
"Come on Ab..." She laughs a little. Don't laugh at me, fuck me. Is that so much to ask? I guess so, seeing as she pulls my button up shirt on me, then proceeds to button it up. I try to capture her lips with my own, but she refuses, she just continues buttoning me up. I feel like a child, who does not want to go to school, so their mother has to sit them down and dress them. Was I the only kid who this has happened too? She finishes up her job, runs her fingers down me shirt to rid it of the creases, pecks me on the lips then heads out.   
  
"Hey." She pulls her jacket over her arms, waiting for me to continue. "Want to go out tonight? Just me and you?" I walk towards her. Her eyes sparkle a bit. Her hair now up in a messy pony tail. God she's beautiful. I move closer to her, running my fingers down her arms. "How about we go out somewhere." My eyes meet hers, a smile on her lips. "Susan can take the kids." I inch my face closer to hers, our breath mingling.   
  
"You sure you want to do this." The smile still on her lips. "You know... Date, cause once we do you're all mine..." I move my lips even closer to hers, we are now centimetres apart.   
  
"That scares me, but I'll take that risk." She laughs a little, sending shivers down my spine. I move my hands down to her waist, tracing little patterns with my fingers. Hers rest on my biceps.   
  
"Yeah?" Our noses brush, finally, we kiss. Its shorter then I would like, but sweet. She pulls away, I bite down her lips for a second, but she smacks me. Its her way of telling me to let the hell go.   
  
"I'll see you later babe." She smacks my ass, shutting the door on her way out. Okay, well that is definitely my favourite morning yet. I stare at the door for a second, trying to will her back. No such luck. A day of no kids. This will definitely be a treat. I want to plan something big, but I am not sure what she would consider 'big.' Flowers? No. Chocolate? No. Maybe I could knock her up. She would definitely think that is big. I pad my way into the kitchen. Grabbing my coffee and taking another sip. I will need all the energy I can get for tonight. I can tell it will be a long night. At least I hope it will. I have the feeling that we could be having a serious conversation on top of all the sex. Maybe we could have those talks in between the sex. Yeah, that is definitely the plan. I run my fingers through my hair, thankful that those weeks of arguing are behind us. They did dig up a lot of dirt. Things that were bound to come out sooner or later, later might have been better, but sometimes you just don't get to choose. I am very glad she caught me last night, I'm even happier she caught me and not one of my kids. I feel a vibrating in my pocket, and considering that doesn't vibrate. I figure its my phone.   
  
"Hello?" I say once I've flipped it open. I already know its Susan, but I figure a friendly hello is the right way to go.   
  
"So... Is she still pissed at you?" Doesn't anyone remember that I was just as 'pissed.' The guy can never be the angry one in the relationship. It always has to be the girl. Always. Stupid rule. Stupid people who made the rule.   
  
"No, if you must know, we are going out tonight and you are watching my kids." She laughs. Hey don't be so reluctant.   
  
"Yeah... I figured as much. Anyways, I am not calling to socialize, I am calling to call you into work." Aw... I don't want too. I tell Susan I will be in as soon as possible then hang up. Great, I wanted to spend today planning out the perfect first date. Instead I am sentenced to a day of work. Is this for the masturbating? Or the premarital sex? Damn those being labelled as sins.  
  
The trip to work is short. I am thankful that I get to see more of Abby. Maybe I can see even more of Abby in an empty exam room. Pull down the shades, turn the lights off... Sounds like a good plan to me. Maybe she could strip for me, slowly... I could get a pole... Or would that be too kinky?   
  
"Earth to Carter.." I jerk my head up from the locker, and over to Susan. "Is that a pole in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" Okay, so maybe I shouldn't think about those things at work. But now that I've got my mind on it, I need some relief, and I know I won't get that from Susan. I can feel my cheeks flush as she watches me. "Still thinking of Abby?"   
  
"No... I was thinking of you!" I joke, she rolls her eyes, exiting the lounge. I could have been, but I wasn't. I continue to search my locker for my regular shift stuff. I hear the lounge door swing open, I am too afraid to turn around and see who it is. I'm better faced towards my locker, that way no one gets an eye full.  
  
"I heard your solider is standing at attention." I crack a smile.   
  
"Yeah for you." She approaches me, wrapping her arms around my waist, then slowly tracing her fingers down my pants too my...  
  
"Hey, hey, hey... We are at work.. Unless you plan to finish me off, then you better stop." I shove her hand away, she responds by laughing into my chest planting a kiss on my scrub clad chest.   
  
"You smell good." She kisses me lightly on the lips. She tastes good. I deepen the kiss, knowing that this isn't the best place, but not able to stop myself. I can't take my hands off of her. She's just so desirable and sexy. I run my fingers gently down her back, as hers take there former place. I can hear the distinctive jingling of my belt being undone. Uh oh, if we are caught this is not going to be good. Not at all. I try to stop her, I do, but my hands just won't move to push her away. Soon my pants are around my ankles, her shirt thrown over a chair, and my boxers are making their way down my legs. This is not going to end well, well okay, its going to end well, but not in the work sense. I start a trail of kisses down her neck, before she pushes my head away. I give her a quizzical look and she just rolls her eyes.   
  
"Do you really think now is the time for foreplay?" Good point, very good point. It will just delay the inevitable. I don't want delaying. I move my face up to hers, continuing to kiss her, all the while looking for a place to do this. Hmmm, the sink, it could work. I pick her up easily, she's light as a feather so its never been much of a challenge for me. I hoist her up onto the sink, her legs wrapped around my waist. Underwear strewn over the tap, hey it works. I begin to enter her...  
  
"Oh My fucking god!"   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
ERCarbyLuva- lol thanks. That chapter was kind of amusing, not the way most Carbies picture Carter and Abby's "first time." Oh well, we break the mould lol.  
  
smilez4eva- I've been looking out for it lol. Yah, finally Carter got laid lol.  
  
Tracey- Haha, yah we tried to build it up a bit. I want a seb lol, I'm debating whether he beats Bryce lol... Its a toughy.  
  
That's what I thought about Bleeding Hearts, people would think it was to wordy. oh well, I liked writing it.   
  
~Preview~  
  
"Hey, sorry this is a really bad time, we just got hit with a huge MVA." I pull Maddie's body up, she's slipping through my fingers.   
  
"Listen, Maddie's running a fever and wheezing. It doesn't look too serious, but I don't' know what you want to do." I hear him move into a quieter location where the chaos is less heard. 


	38. Taking Care

Authors Note- Tomorrows update will be a little late, I've got some happenings tomorrow, so expect a delayed chapter. It will hopefully and mostlikely be up tomorrow. Anways Preview and Responses in this chapter...   
  
Rating- We're taking a trip down to PG for a bit, enjoy:D   
  
Chapter 38  
  
I ring Susan's doorbell and hear her walking towards the door. It swings open and she looks really funny, still comfortable in her pyjamas. I walk through the open door and she follows up behind me. Chuck's lying on the sofa, snoring up a storm. I guess the kids must have been in his room. Carter tends to give Susan his kids a lot, I doubt they want their own now. I hear Seb running towards me and I grab him in my arms. He keeps calling me mommy. I love it. Carter hates it. I'm not his mother, and Carter is having a hard time accepting that. I give him a kiss on the cheek and I continue to follow Susan.   
  
"Maddie's running a fever. I gave her some Children's Tylenol, but you might want to keep an eye on her." I set Sebastian down and walk to Maddie's side. She is completely flushed, but her face is pale. I run my hand over her forehead, and she's burning up. I look up at Susan and she gives me a worried look. I don't' want to overreact now. I don't' know how Carter would react. I gently shake her, and her eyes flutter open. She sits up into my open arms and rests her head against my shoulder. I stand up with her in my arms, and she's wheezing a bit. I mean kids get sick all the time and half the time it's nothing, but then again these aren't my kids. I grab my cell out of my pocket and dial Carter's. His voice comes over the line, somewhat frantic.   
  
"Hey, sorry this is a really bad time, we just got hit with a huge MVA." I pull Maddie's body up, she's slipping through my fingers. Sebastian is light, but he's also four. Madison is a bit heavier. I balance the phone between my shoulder and ear.   
  
"Listen, Maddie's running a fever and wheezing. It doesn't look too serious, but I don't' know what you want to do." I hear him move into a quieter location where the chaos is less heard.   
  
"Can you take her home? I'm on till about seven, and if she's not better, we'll decide what to do." I mutter a quick okay and shut the phone. I jam it into the side of my bag and give Susan a thankful glance. She helps Sebastian pull on his coat, and I pull my keys out of the side of my pocket. I took Carter's car, mostly because he forced me to. At least he did, the L is no place for either one of them today. Susan picks up Sebastian and follows me towards the car. She puts him into the safety seat, while I put Maddie on the opposite side, buckling her seat belt. I shut the door and walk over to Susan, giving her another quick hug and thank-you. I owe her more than she will ever now.   
  
"Hey Abby, you still owe me a therapy session." I walk towards the door, laughing.   
  
"Oh come on now, you and Chuck should try it sometime." She sticks her tongue out at me and mimics me. I open my window a bit and start the car. She had quite a show last night, let's just leave well enough alone. I pull out and take the short trip home to my apartment. It's closer to the hospital, so if we decide to take her in, we're right in the area. I doubt it will have to come to that though. I hope it won't. I park the car in the back and pull Madison out first. I balance her in my left hand while I take Sebastian in my right. We manage to get up the stairs and through the door. But now what? I put Seb in front of the TV. That will keep him busy. I take Madison into my room and put her into bed. Susan gave her something, so I shouldn't worry about it until about four hours from now. I give her a kiss on the cheek and wrap the blankets around her body. She's breathing normally now, at least we can be thankful for that. I walk back into the living room and collapse against the sofa with Seb. He snuggles up to me and I wrap my arms around him. Yeah, if all guys stayed this cute forever. I watch his eyes slowly close as he fights to keep them open. He starts to nod off but he wakes up a few minutes later. I grab a pillow from the edge and put it under his head. He curls his body as close to mine as he can and the pillow stays on my lap. I swing my hand over and take the soft afghan off the top and wrap that around him. After I'm positively sure he's asleep I wiggle out from underneath and head towards the kitchen. I should probably clean. And make some food. I think I actually might have food in the fridge.   
  
I open my cupboard and find some spaghetti noodles. We are both in for it tonight with these two, but at least I know they'll eat it. I fill a bowl with water and turn the gas on. Stupid water needs to boil faster. I have about an hour before he shows up, so we'll be okay. I got stuck there for a few hours extra because of paperwork. It sucks. I hear Maddie's screams in my room and run in there. I pick her up and rock her back and forth. Besides the fact that she hates me, she's being really clingy lately. I wipe her tears away from her eyes without a word, and walk with her back into the kitchen. I hold her for a while longer until my arms feel like they are going to fall off. I put her on the couch with Seb, only on the opposite side. She starts to watch TV, and I venture back into the kitchen to put the noodles into the water, and start the sauce. I put the ingredients into another bowl and start to heat that as well. I hate cooking.   
  
I hear the door open and shut, then the TV gets turned off. In a matter of seconds, Carter's standing in the doorway, looking like a mess. One half of his shirt is tucked in, the other sagging out. His hair is flying all over the place, and the bags under his eyes hold no lies about the exhaustion and work. He has a small smile plastered on his face.   
  
"Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to help me?"  
  
He walks towards me and wraps his hands around my waist. He places a small kiss on the back of my neck, sending goose bumps down my back.   
  
"You're perfect." I roll my eyes and continue to stir my spaghetti. I am not burning it this time. Last time I tried to cook something more elaborate than eggs, I almost burned the entire building down. I lean back against him and he continues his attack of kisses.   
  
"So what are we going to do about Maddie?" I walk towards the sink and place the dirty spoon in it. He follows on my heals, my cute little puppy.   
  
"I don't know. She doesn't seem to have too high of a fever right now. I think it's just the flu or something. She just needs rest. She'll be okay after I take her home."  
  
I turn around and place a quick, delicate kiss on his dry lips.   
  
"Why don't you stay here tonight. The kids can take my bedroom and we can have the floor..." He shrugs his shoulders, a goofy expression on his face. I lean into him and wrap my arms around him. My head rests on his chest and arms are around my body. We're good. How about we stay like this forever? It wouldn't be that bad, right?   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
Leigh- lol Thanks... Some chapters are funny others are dramatic... lol depends on our moods...   
  
ER-Carby-Luva- lol It would suck for that too happen lol... They should have chose a better place... tsk tsk...  
  
Kayla- Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying the story. lol Some parts are kinda funny lol...   
  
smilez4eva- Heh, we didn't really go into that much in this chapter.  
  
tars- I hope you liked this chapter  
  
Tracey- Yah, the ending was stretched pretty far, lol oh well. Yah, Seb is adorable lol, but I'm pretty attached to Bryce lol  
  
~Preview~  
  
"You can tell me, you know?" I nod into her shoulder.   
  
"I know." I say, trying to keep conversation to a minimum. At the beginning it wasn't hard. Neither one of us wanted to talk.   
  
"Are you ever going to tell me?" She asks. 


	39. Eating Me Alive

Authors Note- I was able to post a chapter earlier than I thought today. Just wanted to shout out to CherryFaery and say thanks! Um I hope you enjoy this chapter, please review, we love to read them, they keep us writing. Thanks.   
  
Chapter 39  
  
I untangle the covers from my sweating body. The light shines in through the parted curtains. I slowly lift her off my chest, trying not to wake her. She deserves to sleep, she's been through a lot lately. She doesn't need me waking her at absurd hours in the morning. I lay her sleeping form down on the couch. She releases a light groan, before snuggling her body against the pillow. The light cast shadows over her, accentuating her beauty. I smile to myself, knowing how lucky I am. For the first time in years I feel like I am complete. I have something a little more to live for. I push my heels off of the spot, I had claimed as my own for the past few seconds. Placing my tired body into the alcove by the window, I lean my head against the window pane. Tiny droplets of water roll down the smudged window. A light rumble of thunder echoes in my ears. I heave a deep sigh, watching her sleep once again. I can't help it. No matter what I do, I can't help but look at her. Watch her. I find myself staring at her almost all the time. I can't take my eyes of her, its virtually impossible. She means the world to me right now. It scares me. I haven't felt this way since Becky. I thought I'd never feel this way again. Truth be told, I never wanted to feel this way again. The pain of loosing was too much to bare. I don't know if I can do it again.   
  
I brush my hair away from my forehead. Looking away from her, its easier for me when I'm not staring at her. I can convince myself its not true. Its not happening. But it is. I'm falling for her. My eyes dart over her sleeping form. Hair carelessly fallen in front of her heavy lidded eyes. Her chest rising and falling with every breath. I lock my fingers together. Praying to god she doesn't hurt me. I know she's capable of it. She doesn't see it as hurting me, she sees it as hurting herself. Punishing herself for all the wrongs she's done through out life. I feel arms wrap around my neck, a simple kiss being laid upon my forehead. I try to brush her off, but I can't. I don't want too. I turn my lips to meet her own. We share a sleepy kiss before she pulls herself into my lap. I wrap my arms around her. She lets her head fall onto my shoulder, before her eyes fall shut. She's not sleeping. Just thinking. We do this almost every night. She finds me out of bed, then comes and wraps herself in my arms. Distracting me from my thoughts. Bringing me back to reality. A place I've grown to adore. Her hands run up and down my arms. I grab one, placing a kiss on her palm, before smothering it with my own.   
  
"What you thinking?" Her voice laced with sleep. Breaking the compatible silence. She's usually the one to break it. Figuring I am in some far away land. Away from her. Away from my kids. In fact I am surrounded by her. She has drowned me, taken over my life. My every thought and movement. Some days I feel guilty. Guilty for being able to love again. I wonder what Becky would be thinking. Would she be happy for me? Jealous? I'm not sure.   
  
"Nothing." I mutter. She sighs, her breath mingling with my own. I press my lips against her own, once again. She pulls my arms tighter around her body. Trying to bound us together as one. I wish it was possible. But I keep thinking that it is only temporary. She haunts my dreams. I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking that one morning I will wake up and she will be gone. Forever. I push the thoughts as far away as possible. My heart rate increasing. She throws her head over her shouldering, shooting me a worried look. I brush it off. Focusing on the rain, the soft pattering sound it makes against the window soothes me. I've always enjoyed the rain, its been a source of comfort.   
  
"You can tell me, you know?" I nod into her shoulder. There's nothing to tell, Abby. I am trying to hide from the truth. The truth that nothing is perfect, and one day I will wake up and this dream, the dream that we have been living in for the past few months, will have been nothing but that. A dream. A beautiful dream, but nothing with any depth. No truth. It will be full of lies and pain.   
  
"I know." I say, trying to keep conversation to a minimum. At the beginning it wasn't hard. Neither one of us wanted to talk. We just wanted to relish the moments, the time that we had to be together, wrapped in each other. But as the late night awakenings became more frequent, she became more and more concerned. The questions arrived. Now they don't stop. They start innocent, then build up. I trail kisses on her neck. Wanting to distract her and myself from our late night thoughts. I lift her limp body up, taking her to the couch. Laying down, she rests on top of me.   
  
"Are you ever going to tell me?" She asks, as I pull the cover over us. I shake off her question.  
  
"Tell you what?" She sighs, frustrated. I feel her hands push against my chest. She sits in my lap, her body supported against the back of the couch. I try to pull her back down, but she resists. I reach again. But nothing. She doesn't budge. I leave her. Watching as she tucks her hair behind her ears, playing with her fingers once they have found a spot in her lap.   
  
"I can't keep doing this John." Is this it? Is this when the nightmares become reality. Where she does what I know has been coming. The pain that I have been preparing for, for months, surfaces. I try to avoid her words. Dodging her gaze, that flickers over me.   
  
"I can't wake up every night. I can't watch as you huddle in the corner. Pulling yourself away from me. I thought I was the one who did the hiding." It goes both ways, I guess. Our wounds run deep. As hard as we may try, we can't build the bricks any more. We can't run from each other.   
  
"I'm not hiding, Abby. I just do... I do my best thinking at night." I sit up slowly, balancing her against me. She pulls away from me, sitting on one of the couch cushions.   
  
"Why won't you tell me what you are thinking about then?" I can't. Its impossible. I can't tell her that ever since Becky died, I haven't been living. I have been floating around. That I have never felt anything like this before. Not since Becky, who turned out to be my biggest heartache. How do I know that she is not hiding something from me too. That this is all some big hoax. She was always resistant when it came to us, now that I have her, and she has me, is she sure this is what she really wants. Am I just a void filler? Do I bring her a smile every once and a while, will she one day realise that maybe someone else is the perfect one for her...   
  
I stare at her, watching as her expression changes. The soft, hurt expression that once covered her, is now replaced with an angry, pained expression. She pushes off of me. Standing up in front of me, her hair dangling in front of her face. She lifts my t-shirt from her body, tossing it on the floor. Quickly she dresses herself. She stares at me for a second longer.   
  
"I'm going to sleep at my place tonight." Her voice laced with emotion. I want to scream out to her, tell her to stay. That I love her, that I can't imagine my life without her. That she is the only thing that really makes me happy. But I don't. I watch as she leaves me. The door shutting with a loud thud. I curl into a ball on the couch. Thinking back to earlier this evening, as we sat and joked in this very same spot, slowly drifting off into a, temporary, peaceful sleep. I erase the vision from my mind.  
  
I stand up, folding the blankets, then placing them at the end of the couch. The clock on the wall reads quarter to four. I stare at the clock, until it becomes a blur. The tears filling my eyes. Threatening to fall down my cheeks. I blink them away. Not wanting to succumb to the pain. I consider going to bed, but decide against it. There is no point. I will not be able to sleep anyways. I flick on the light to the kitchen. I work tomorrow, not till about twelve. Since sleep is not an option, I pull out a few materials I will need, and get started on the one thing that takes my mind off of my problems. It has worked as a wonder since Becky died. I shake her out of my head. Feeling a little angry with her lately. Hating her. Hating her for doing this to me, for leaving me. For making me raise two children all on my out. For not being able to save me or fix my problems. She left when I needed her most. She took my unborn child with her. Killing our dreams of a big family, as well as everything else. I crack the egg into the bowl. Thinking muffins and a cake for the staff, will be the perfect cure for my disturbing, and disruptive thoughts tonight. Baking helps me sort through everything. While ignoring the things that pain me the most, all at the same time. The vision of her walking out of the door flashes. Go away, Abby. Get out of my head. I'm not sure I can take her any more. Knowing that this is only a temporary fix, until she realises just how wrecked and torn I am. That I may need help, and may not be as fitted to provide the support she needs right now. The seriousness of the relationship plagues me once again. I guess, at first, I didn't realise that it would come to this level. But it did.   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
Kayla- When Maddies not being such a brat, she's not too bad. Yeah, Seb is definitely cute. Gotta love him.  
  
ERCarbyLuva- lol Susan did, its in I think the second paragraph of last chapter, not sure though, I'd have to reread it. We didn't really go into that part much lol... lol I didn't realise Susan had walked in on them either, when Liby first showed me that lol...  
  
~Preview~  
  
"Hi Maggie." I see tears filling up in her eyes and I'm in for it. She's manic. I'm going to go insane.   
  
smilez4eva- Which is always good.  
  
tars- Yah, they were all nice and cute in that chapter. I rained on their parade though... 


	40. Burning Pains

Chapter 40  
  
I let the scalding water hit my back full force. I want to wash away all the pain and misery I'm feeling. The day could not get any worse. I pull my knees closer to my body and listen to the rheumatic tapping of the water against the walls. I wish I could disappear. I wish I hadn't gone on scene today. I wish I hadn't held that dying little girl in my arms and promised her she would be okay. I feel so dirty. I failed her. Its probably all my fault. We should have pulled her out first, she wasn't stable. The water runs through my hair, washing out the last traces of blood. I never knew so much blood could come rushing out of two people in my entire life. I had never worked under those conditions. How am I going to do this on a daily basis? Being a nurse was so much easier. And the one person I thought could make it better isn't here. He refuses to let me figure him out. We're back where we started. Hiding from each other, wanting not to hurt each other, when we hurt each other more. I hear my name being called and the knocking at the door over the water. I wish I could ignore it, but I can't. I shut the faucet off and slowly drag my body off the floor. The walls of the room are covered in condensation from the steam, the mirror covered, for good measure. I grab the two towels left for me, I wrap my hair up in the smaller one, and wipe off my body with the other. I pull on a fresh pair of scrubs and focus on my hair once again. I get enough water out of it for me to be able to put it up without dripping everywhere I go. I take a deep breathe, the one thing that helps me reclaim my sanity, and walk out the door. I see Susan a few feet away, and she motions me over. I'm off, I hope she knows that. I'm going home in a matter of seconds.  
  
"Sorry, I would have left you in there, but some woman is at the front desk asking for you." I nod my head and pull on the last few strands of hair that drip water down my back. My feet drag along the floor in my clogs and my head has suddenly begun to pound. I don't know who could be asking for me. I placed a few different applications to hospitals, but County is my first choice for residency, and I think their going to keep me. I don't know what's going on. I wander up to the desk, looking for whoever is supposed to be working. I hear my name and suddenly I'm throwing into a black circle and the world has stopped moving around me. I turn around and Maggie comes running towards me. Great. I had to jinx myself. The day just got a hell of a lot worse. I give her a hug to pacify her and quickly push her away. Please, please, please be on your meds. I can't tell just yet.  
  
"Hi Maggie." I see tears filling up in her eyes and I'm in for it. She's manic. I'm going to go insane. Well maybe she's not, but I have a strange feeling she is. I lead her towards the doorway, away from all listening ears. I look up and see Carter walking through the door. Shit. All I need. I see Seb break away from him and he starts running towards me.   
  
"Mommy!!!!" I pull him into my arms and give him a kiss on the cheek. The one man I love and can always count on. Who needs anyone else? I look back at Maggie and her mouth is hanging open, in a when did this happen and why didn't you tell me type gaze. Carter wanders closer and Madison then begins waking up. She looks up at me and her arms go out towards me. I shift Sebastian on my left arm and take Madison in my right. Her arms wrap around my neck and Seb's are wrapped around my upper torso. I'm feeling very loved right now. And I wish I could breath as well, but I don't want to take a chance there. I feel Carter trying to pull Maddie away from me, but its not working, and he's getting somewhat aggravated. I give Madison another kiss and push her off gently into his arms. I rebalance Sebastian in my arms and feel Carter and Maggie both starring at me for an explanation.  
  
"Carter, this is Maggie, my mother." Carter gives her a forced smile and turns back to me.   
  
"This is Carter, my boyfriend. And this here is Sebastian and that is Madison."  
  
I doubt I've answered any questions besides the fact that I've clarified who everyone is. And I'm Abby, but I doubt anyone cares anymore.   
  
"Excuse me for a second." I watch him leave with Madison and I turn to follow him, throwing an I'll be back over my shoulder at my so called mother. She was never a mother to me. She was more of a physical incubator than a mother. I see Carter handing Madison to Susan and he motions for me to do the same. I hand Seb to her and she leads them off towards the desk. No kids means big fight. At least in my book. Not today, every day but not today.   
  
"Can you take Maddie and Seb tonight? I got called in." Well yeah I can see that. You're here instead of sleeping or jacking off. I lean against the counter and he walks to and fro across the room. He looks like an expectant father. The only thing we can be expecting is an argument. I did nothing, he's the one that's got the problem.   
  
"What do you want Carter?" He stops and looks at me, I'm almost suddenly afraid for my life. I lean closer against the counter and search for something to use as ammo. Nothing. Damn it. I sigh. Yeah, this day definitely sucks.   
  
"We need to talk." I roll my eyes at him. We need to talk every single day, and does it happen? No. Because he is a guy, and an idiot one at that. I don't care anymore.   
  
"Can we not do this today?" He stops shifting his footing from one to the other. He can't look at me, but the stain on the floor sure is interesting. He probably thinks its better looking than me as well. I run my hand through my now tangled hair and he shakes his head.   
  
"What do you want from me?" A question with a question, smart, but not smart enough. I don't feel like doing this right now. My day has been horrible, all I want to do is go home and sleep, and I can't do that because my crazy mother chose today of all days to show up and I have to watch his kids. Not that I mind that part, their cute. Even Madison. She's still a devil at times, but she's more on my side now than on Carter's. Which can defintely save me at times.   
  
"I'm taking our kids home and putting them to bed." I start to walk out the door, and I feel Carter's grasp on my shoulder and he quickly turns me around, cornering me against the lockers.   
  
"Since when did they become our kids?' Oh I don't know, since the fact that his son calls me mom, since his daughter would rather spend time with me, since I'm the one that's been with Madison while she was sick, since Sebastian will only fall asleep and stay asleep if I'm there. I don't know I guess his kids have warmed up to me. And wow, that's surprising, we're dating and they see me everyday.   
  
"Since you chose to let me into your life. Now let me go." I push him off of me and quickly get out of the lounge before he does anything else in rage. I see my mother talking to Jerry, but more importantly I grab Sebastian and Madison from Susan. I walk towards her.  
  
"Do you have a place to stay?" She nods her head reassuringly. She doesn't seem manic. Maybe I jumped to a conclusion. But then again, this is the woman that told me she loved me then chased me around the house with a butcher knife. How ironical.   
  
"Yeah, I'm here for a convention for work. I'm staying at the Hyatt." I nod my head. It seems like there's nothing more to say to her. Sebastian is growing fussy in my arms, and I can tell Madison wants to go to bed as well.   
  
"I need to get going. Give me a call later and maybe we can get together for dinner or something." She smiles, overjoyed. Great, at least I can make you happy. You never did that for me. I'm not bitter at all about my childhood. Not at all. I grab my purse from under the desk and quickly walk away towards the L. I want to go home. That is my one necessity right now. I need to forget about this evil day in its entirety. I make my way up the stairs and get to the platform just in time. We get on an almost empty train, its way past rush hour, and both Maddie and Seb curl up in my lap. I can do this, be a mother. Can I? What if I turn out like Maggie? I could destroy these poor kids. I don't know anymore. Why today of all days? I pull their small and fragile bodies closer to mine. Carter's a jackass.   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
FoxyWombat- lol Maggie keeps things interesting.  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Thank yah.   
  
smilez4eva- We haven't really touched base on that yet.  
  
~Preview~  
  
"Will you let me explain." She doesn't budge. Maybe explanation isn't what she needs, but its what's best. If she'd just give me a chance. I need her to know everything. 


	41. Resolution

Chapter 41  
  
The floor creaks under my weight. I walk a little lighter, not wanting to wake any of the kids. The town house is cluttered with toys. We haven't been here a lot lately, so I haven't gotten around to cleaning it. I should consider doing that in the morning. I push open the door to the living room. She's sitting in that exact same spot I sat in, only three nights ago. Her head rests upon her knee, she doesn't seem to realise anyone else is in the room with her. The darkness of the night fills the room. Providing a sanctuary, for the both of us. Hiding in the deepest, darkest of spots is what we do best, individually. If we did it together we may be able to mend the broken pieces. I take another step forward, her heads shoots to the side, I think I see a smile trace across her lips, but it is gone as soon as it appears. I slowly approach her. A jumble of unsaid word floating around in my mind. I try to grab one, any one word to say to her. Nothing seems appropriate considering the tight corner I've backed myself into. I stand a few feet from her, her leg tucked under her body, one hand now rests upon her leg. She's looking up at me, like a child to an authority figure. I cup her chin in my hand, leaning down to place a gentle kiss upon her lips. She bites on my lip gently as I attempt to pull away. I reach down, kissing her once again. This time she lets me go. I tower over her, her neck must get sore or something, because she darts her attention towards the window. I shove her over a bit, making room for myself next to her. We need to talk, she knows that, we are both avoiding it. Thinking maybe it will just go away. As much as she'd like to think she's changed, she hasn't. Not completely yet. Confidence, yes. But she still prefers hiding to the truth. Not that I can claim to be a picture of maturity in this situation. I am not. I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, my finger lingering on her face a second longer. She tilts her face against my hand. The moon glow rests on her cheek, she looks younger... happier... healthier.   
  
"Abby..." Her name runs off my tongue. I haven't said it in a while, at least not without some kind of menacing force behind it. I'm not sure if she knows what's coming, hell I'm not even sure I know. I haven't given it much thought, as much thought as a thirty-six hour shift will permit. I take her hand in mine, running the tips of my fingers over each crease and wrinkle time has brought them. She watches me do so, waiting expectantly. I intertwine our fingers, placing a kiss on the back of her hand.   
  
"I think we need to cool it." Her hand falls limp in mine. Not something either of us had really discussed. The point being I am not really in the state of mind to discuss anything right now. Certainly not something that scares the shit out of me. I need to take sometime...  
  
"Cool it?" She pulls her hand away, they immediately fidgets with the bottom of the t-shirt she's wearing. Her once soft expression grows cold. For some reason this is what I thought she wanted. She never acted close to me, at first she did. Then it grew into a relationship between her and Sebastian. I slowly feel I am being zeroed out of the equation. Her and Maddie have gotten closer... Sometimes I am not sure it has anything to do with them. Its probably not a good idea to be doing this after I just got off a long hellish shift.   
  
"You and me. We- we... I like you-"   
  
"Oh Jesus, Carter." She pushes herself off of the stool, grabbing her purse and heading out onto the deck. I follow after her, not sure of her intentions, heading out into the freezing cold in the middle of the night, in just a t-shirt. I rush onto the deck, watching as she stands in the corner smoking on a cigarette.   
  
"Will you let me explain." She doesn't budge. Maybe explanation isn't what she needs, but its what's best. If she'd just give me a chance. I need her to know everything.  
  
"What's to explain? You finally came to your senses." She blows out the smoke, it looms over us, like a dark clouding waiting to swallow us up. I run my fingers through my hair. Its not like that, not at all. Its not about her, its about me. If I could only let her know that without sounding like a walking cliche. She flips her body around, her expression stone cold, I know as we are speaking she is mentally building back up the, few, walls I have knocked down. I move towards her, blocking her into a corner.   
  
"Listen to me." I say firmly. "Its not you. Its not really. I'm not breaking up with you." She gives me a questioning look. "I just think we should maybe be a little more casual. We have gotten so intense." I take a deep breath, not sure of how to continue, how to let her know that I love her. "My son calls you mom... I have feelings for you that over whelm me, keep me up all night. I can't sleep without dreaming of you, I can't do anything without in bring back a memory of a time we did that exact same thing. Or-or of something we did like it." I run my fingers through my hair, despite the heavy wind, and the light snow falling, I am sweating.   
  
"So you're breaking up with me because I am too close with your family." Now that she puts it that way it sounds kind of stupid.   
  
"No." She gives me a curious look.   
  
"No? You just told me..."   
  
"Its because I can't deal with it all. I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rebecca, and its all happening too fast and too soon. I need... I need TIME!" I holler, out of instinct she takes a step back into the railing. Sense has never been one of my strong suits. I just need a break, a time with no her... just me, me and my kids.  
  
"Fine." She says it calmly. Which leads me wondering what exactly she has up her sleeve. She stubs out her cigarette tucking a strand of hair behind her ears and smiling at me bitterly. "An open relationship is just what I need." O-Open? No. Not exactly... I meant dating... Casually... Shit. I've brought the woman I love into an open relationship. Well maybe not love, not yet... I don't know. I knew I shouldn't have had this discussion with her after that shift.   
  
"Wait Abby-" I chase after her, as she walks through the house. "I'm not sure that's what I want-" She shakes her head before turning around to face me.   
  
"No. It is what you want... So live with your decision." She shrugs. "I better go. I have breakfast with my mom in the morning, I can't be late."   
  
"Stay here tonight." I am begging now. Funny to think just ten minutes ago I was the one in control of this conversation. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, but now everything is hazy. Muddled. I am not so sure what I want in life. I thought I wanted her, but it turned out to be nothing what I expected. She's just as fantastic, incredible, as I thought. But it wasn't as clear. Everything seems to be in fast forward, speeding in front of my eyes. When I try to reach out and touch the pictures they just go faster. I can't freeze them anymore. One minute I was the one person in my children's lives. The one they depended on for everything. Now there is someone new, taking the spot that was once a void. Now there is that exact same spot that was empty in my life, that she is filling.   
  
"Carter-" She sighs, I pull her towards me, into a tight hug. Her breath warm against my chest. "I have to go. I really have to. I was waiting for you.. My mom and I are getting together in the morning." She leans up planting a kiss on my lips. Leaving soon after. I watch as she walks out the door. Running my tongue along my lips, the taste of smoke still evident. I breath in heavily. Wondering what the hell I have done. Have I really just destroyed the only good thing going in my life right now?   
  
"Daddy?" I turn my head, Sebastian stands in the doorway, rubbing his eyes.   
  
"Yeah." He walks closer to me, examining me from head to toe.   
  
"Where's mom?" Oh boy. She's dead son. As for Abby, well she's pissed as hell. Or maybe not, she might actually like this idea. A way to kick me in the ass over and over again.   
  
"She went back to her place tonight." He lets a small whimper free. I didn't hear him scream, so I am not sure if this is due to a bad dream. I lean down and pick him up, he rests his head against my shoulder. I listen to his light breathing in my ear, as I bring us both into the bedroom. Lying him down on the bed I undress, throwing a t-shirt on with my boxers and crawl into bed.   
  
"Is she coming back?" He asks in a quiet, not easy distinguishable voice.   
  
"Tomorrow, maybe." He sighs, scooting closer to me. His head is now on my chest, arms flung across my body.   
  
"She told me if you said it was okay, that she would dye my hair green." Hell, it could be the late shift work talking, or the bottle of Advil I downed because of the recent throbbing in my head, but my answer surprises me.   
  
"Sure." I hear him giggle a bit. Green hair? Why in the hell would he want green hair? He's five. I look down at him, he's slowly dozing off. I use to creep into their bedrooms late at night, watch them sleep. I haven't had the luxury of doing that. He looks so innocent and peaceful. Which leaves me wondering how this new arrangement will effect them. Especially since Madison is just warming up to Abby. I pull him closer to me, planting a kiss on his forehead. I'm not sure why he adores her so much. It could be the mysterious dark side to her, or it could just be that she's great. She does everything with him, from play trucks to kiss his scraps and cuts better. She's really a mother to him, and as much as I have tried to, I know longer can, deny that fact. Maybe not biologically. But she is. It should frighten her mother then it does me. She was tossed into this roll, given to her over night. Without warning. I waltz into her life, two kids in tow. Now she gets to deal with all the drama we bring. Could it really be that bad? Maybe with me acting like such a prick it could. I just need my space, my time. Its a transition for me. Not any easy one at that. I look down at his brown hair, again. Green. Hmm. I think he could pull it off.   
  
~Review Responses~  
  
Ammers- Thank you very much. I'm glad you like the story... It made you cry... what part? Abby's near death? I know that part was sad... I add a new chapter pretty much everyday... There is rarely a day when I don't. We both have other fics we have written idependently, and together... This is our third fic together.   
  
ER-Carby-Luva- I hope you liked this chapter... lol  
  
abby- Abby's just stressed, but she so is in the moom mood and mode... It suits her.   
  
Kayla- They basically are lol... Thanks.  
  
Tracey- Oh we always have something up our sleeves, Liby likes the twists... I like the insanity... So it all works. Maggie is Maggie lol.  
  
smilez4eva- They do spend sometime together, I think we have to get into that a bit more, and it is something we get into a bit more.   
  
~Preview~  
  
"Fine." I start walking towards the door. Whatever he wants. Its not my life. If he permanently screws up their lives, then its none of my fault. I just wish I could steal Maddie and Seb and take them away with me. 


	42. Avoidance

Authors Note- Hey all, I just wanted to say, I know some people are seeing the similarities between this fic, and Hate To Love And Back, as we also have. We are trying to staying as far away from that as possible, but it is a little tricky, because the plots are a bit similar. Anyways, if you have any ideas of how we can do this fic a little differently, it would be greatly appreciated, thanks. Thanks for all the reviews too! :)  
  
Chapter 42  
  
I splash my face with the ice cold water in an attempt to stay awake. I barely got any sleep last night, I spent a lot of time thinking about the relationship Carter and I had. It's really quite complicated, way too complicated for me to even begin to explain. I trudge into the lounge, my shift ending in about fifteen minutes, and those last minutes seem endless. I doubt I can make it home and into bed. I collapse on the sofa and stare at the seconds as they rotate around the clock. The door swings open and Carter walks in. I have no clue where we stand right now. I don't really care to be bothered with those questions right now. He's working the night shift, I wonder where the kids are.   
  
"I'm off in about ten minutes, if you want me to take Maddie and Seb for the night?"  
  
He places his coat into his locker and throws his bag in as well. I watch him methodically do these things, like he does every day if he's working. I pull on the pockets of my lab coat. They are filled with note cards and pens, and a jumble of other items I think I might need through a shift. Including a large bottle of Advil. He slams his locker shut and he looks past me.   
  
"I think it would be best for all of us if you stayed away from my children for a while."  
  
I glare at him in shock for a few minutes. I have no clue what's running through my head. The one thing that I've learned to depend on and to love, the one thing that led me to trust again is being ripped away from me, like the air just vacuumed out of my lungs. I want to scream and yell at him. I want to tell him he's sheltering them too much, that he tries to love them, but the love of one person is not always enough, I love them as much as he does. I would do anything for them, even Madison. I don't say anything. I hold everything inside, but my nails are digging into my skin, keeping me from screaming.   
  
"Fine." I start walking towards the door. Whatever he wants. Its not my life. If he permanently screws up their lives, then its none of my fault. I just wish I could steal Maddie and Seb and take them away with me. I make it down the hallway before I hear him call my name. I stop and I hear his feet hit the linoleum floor until he's breathing lightly behind me.   
  
"Wait." He starts to open his mouth slightly, as if he was forming the words, but they never came out. He tries again, and fails miserably. Why am I standing here waiting for this? I turn back around and head towards the desk to clock out. I hear a voice calling for her dad and I catch a glance of Maddie's curls in the corner of my eye. Carter is a few inches away from me.  
  
"Dad, Seb's asking for mom." I know Carter looked at me, because I felt his eyes burning through my back, but I didn't respond. This is what he wanted. I reach the desk and finally turn around, only because I have to. I watch him carrying Maddie back towards Susan. Seb's in Susan's arms, crying. He's actually crying for me. God, I hate the pain this idiot is causing me. It's all Carter's fault. I want to go back there and take Seb out of her arms and into mine and hold him until he stops crying. But I can't. I grit my teeth and punch out. I walk around, hoping that the scene will dissipate, and surely it will. After about fifteen minutes of needless wandering, I get back to the lounge and grab my stuff. I look at the picture of Seb on my locker door, and I want to cry. I can feel the tears forming, I want my Sebastian. I walk out of the lounge and back to my mail drawer. I'm waiting for residency confirmations. I have no clue where I'm going. I'm hoping I'm staying here. I pray for it every single day, but I never know. I pull out some memo's, paperwork and junk mail, and then the letter on the bottom looks official. I throw the stuff back into the drawer besides the letter. I rip the side open and pull out the letter. It's from the hospital I applied to in Minneapolis. I've been accepted.   
  
I never really thought I would get in. I just applied for the sake of applying. I guess there was some hidden reason in the back of my mind of being closer to Eric and Maggie, but other than that, there was no real pull to move anywhere. But it seems like a great opportunity at this very inopportune moment. I'm off the next three day. I should fly down and check things out before I accept anything. I can go with Maggie, and stop by and see my little brother. He's not so little anymore, he's taller and fatter than I am. But he's a guy, so what do you expect?  
  
I stick the envelope into my bag and start towards the L. I want to go home. I need to go home. That warm soft bed is calling my name and all I want to do is give in to its fair request. It takes me about fifteen minutes to get home on a good day. And today was definitely a very good day in travel. As soon as I walked through the door, Maggie was up and running, making me food. I had to decline her offer. I'm too tired to even sit and chew. I need one of those liquid diet things, so I can eat while I sleep or something of the sort. I quickly strip my clothes and find an old shirt. I throw it on and climb under the covers. I need sleep. My eyes drift slowly closed and I can feel myself falling into a deep sleep.   
  
The phone knocks me out of my sweet little dreamland. I grab it off the stand and groggily manage a hello. I look at the clock, it's almost four in the morning, not even. Who the fuck calls at four in the morning, especially when I'm tired and just worked non-stop for a few hours? Susan's voice comes over the phone and I almost forgive the intrusion of sleep.  
  
"What happened, Susan?" I hear her breathe a deep exasperated sigh. So her night probably wasn't as restful as mine. I wish mine was longer though.  
  
"It's Seb. He's been crying for you all night. I don't know what happened between you and Carter, and I don't care. Get you ass down here now." I collapse back against the soft pillows. I can almost feel his shaking body in my arms and the warm drops as they cascade into my shirt and skin. I shake my head no. He didn't want me there. I'm not going. I know its Sebastian. But Carter's request rules all. Sebastian knows I would always be there. He's smarter than that. He knows something is probably up. I just don't' want to be the one to explain that his father is a jackass to him.   
  
"I can't. Carter wants me away from them. Let me sleep." I hear her whine on the other line. She's growing frustrated and doesn't' know what else to do. I can bet Carter won't get the poor kid to stop crying about now. I don't 'know what it is, but me and Sebastian have formed a bond that no one can break.   
  
"I can't, Susan. He made it perfectly clear today. Plus I'm flying out this morning."  
  
I hear the phone call and she quickly grabs it. She puts it back up to her hear and apologizes. She has nothing to apologize for.   
  
"Flying out where?" I run my hand through my hair. I definitely need a shower. I feel like crap and I'm covered in sweat.   
  
"Minnesota. I got accepted to a residency in Minneapolis."  
  
Minnesota isn't such a bad place. They probably don't' have as many shootings and car crashes, probably less work and more money, definitely more rest. I wouldn't mind moving there. I would be with my mother and brother, and I would be able to make sure they were still on their meds.   
  
"You're not serious, are you? Because of what Carter did?" I roll my eyes. I wish she was close enough, cause then I would have hit her.   
  
"No. I placed the application a long time ago, weeks before Carter. I want to be closer to my family." Because Minneapolis and Chicago are right next door and I don't' worry about my family at all, even though they drive me insane.  
  
"Well half of your family is here." What family? A few friends and a boyfriend that doesn't want me. Sure that sounds very tempting. And a great reason to stick around. I don't think so. I can start over in Minneapolis. A new life almost, I will be a doctor. I can meet someone who doesn't know my past. Maybe I can even find true happiness. Who knows what is possible.  
  
"Goodnight Susan. I'll be back in three days." I hang up the phone. I'm in for it now. I've got this guilty conscience thing, and Susan knows how to use it to its full potential. I close my eyes, but they pop open right away. Great. Wonderful. I hate Susan. She's the devil incarnate and a half. I roll out of bed and head towards the bathroom. I need a shower, then maybe I'll feel better and be able to sleep. I turn the facet on and let the water run. I also let the tears run their way down my cheeks. I never meant for this all to happen. I just wanted to find love. All I found was pain.  
  
~Review Responses~  
  
smilez4eva- Hope you liked this chapter :D  
  
smilez4eva- Yah we started to notice that too, we are trying to stay away form that...   
  
~Preview~  
  
"What are you doing here?" Its barely audible, but I know she heard it. Immediately her eyes wander, going anywhere but near mine. I try to lock eyes, read her a bit better. She won't let me. Her walls are tight, her masks painted on securely. 


	43. Visit

Authors Note- Sorry for the late chapter, the day seemed to get away from me. Anyways, here is chapter 43, expect another on later tomorrow. Iwth all your review responses... and a tiny preview of future chapters...Thanks for hte reciews, read them, loved them. Thanks!  
  
With each step I take, the stairs up to Susan house seem to multiply. I could have sworn there were only five steps or so, now there seems to be about thirty. Not including the ones that are spinning around me. I clutch onto the railing, trying to steady myself. I rub my eyes, trying to focus a little better on what's going on around me. Everything seems to be a bit hazy lately. I trudge up the stairs, my boots clunking on every step. I wouldn't be surprised if I woke Susan, Chuck and the kids up. Having to work a twelve hour shift, after just getting off a fourteen hour shift is brutal. The kids were more relieved then anything. I am more like the common enemy, nemesis, lately. Ever since Abby and I had our... uh- falling out? I'm not sure what it could be defined as. Not healthy, is one of them. I haven't overcome my bitter feelings towards her, why should I? She hasn't treated me well, not at all really. Between Pushing me away, and acting like a complete bitch about everything, our relationship has just not been working. Time apart will probably do us both good. Time for me to reconnect with the kids, time for her to reconnect. Just reconnect with herself. We're spending so much time together... Too much. An old friend of mine who is in town for a few weeks, actually has a house in town, but doesn't live here all round, is taking me out tonight. I'm kind of looking forward to it. I've managed to hire a sitter, give Susan a break. I reach the top of the steps, hell it only took me what, ten minutes. Digging into my pocket I retrieve the set of keys Susan gave me. She told me she'd slice my head off, or sell my children to white slavery if I ever lost them. She obviously trusts me.   
  
Stumbling into the house, I run into the coat rack she has in the front hallway. Shit. Someone is up. I'm not sure who. Chuck maybe? No, the house isn't shaking under his feet, so it can't be Chuck. I listen again. Susan. Definitely Susan. I walk towards her, flicking on the light. Its five in the morning, the kids will be up soon, so its time she gets up.   
  
"Hey sorry I woke-" I look at her... Great, just fucking great. Does Susan not listen to a word I say? Seriously, no body fucking cares anymore. I could be yelling from the treetops that I am going to kill myself, and everyone would just keep on walking. Abby on the other hand, if so much as sheds a tear people are convinced she needs a friend. Anything she says and does, people just fall at her feet.   
  
"Don't worry about it. You never worry about me anyways, why start now." She says gruffly, walking into the kitchen. I follow her, more out of habit than anything else. She plops herself down into one of the, many, chairs, Susan has placed in her kitchen. I follow suit, sitting directly in front of her.   
  
A tense silence fills the room, I distract myself by focusing on a picture over the stove. Abby throws her head back sighing. Which brings me out of my thoughts, to focus on her. Probably the point of the sigh. Grab the attention. I stare at her in the eyes, which is pretty hard considering the dark cloud that is looming over us. I mean that figuratively and literally. The poorly lit room seems to provide her somewhat of a sanctuary, while getting on my nerves. I lean forward, resting my elbows against my knees. Sleeves of my shirt rolled up.   
  
"What are you doing here?" Its barely audible, but I know she heard it. Immediately her eyes wander, going anywhere but near mine. I try to lock eyes, read her a bit better. She won't let me. Her walls are tight, her masks painted on securely. For once I find myself not caring. Why should I? She has done nothing but cause me pain, hurt me, hurt my children, if she hasn't yet she will. Its who she is, its what she knows. Pain, she was raised by pain. Her love was limited, now she's not capable of loving. Frankly, I don't think I amt he person to change that. I don't think I am capable of doing that, or even loving myself. I haven't loved any one since Rebecca, look how that turned out. Surprisingly horrible.   
  
"Susan... She called, said Sebastian was giving her a hell of a time." Yeah well, he'll have to learn how to deal. He can't always get what he wants. I did that with Maddie, that turned out badly, I'm not doing the same for him.   
  
"He can't always get what he wants." I say leaning back against the chair.   
  
"I thought that was your policy... give them what they want. Shut them up." Fuck you. What gives you the right to say that to me. What gives you the right to critique my parenting. Nothing, you think you can do better, go get your own kid and raise them. I'd like to me that fuck up. You're not perfect Abby, neither am I, sorry if I screw up from time to time, but I do the best I can.  
  
"I don't need this. Not from anyone, especially not from you." Slamming the chair against the wall, I walk into the bedroom that my kids have claimed. I can feel her on my heels, but this does not detour me. I can hear Sebastian softly snoring, he's in a heavy sleep which means he probably won't wake up when I bring him down to the car. Madison on the other hand is easily woken, I am careful as I lift her sleeping form into my arms. Her head finds the crook of my neck. I move past Abby, who is standing at the doorway, managing to ignore her completely. I quickly move down the stairs, throwing her coat over her shoulders, and opening the door. Without looking back I know Abby has Sebastian. She follows me and places him in the car next to Maddie.   
  
"Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow." I open my car door, avoiding eye contact with her.   
  
"I am going to Minneapolis tomorrow." Maggie, right. She is probably taking her back, making sure she gets settled. Shouldn't she be with her now? Not here, pestering me and my kids.   
  
"Right." I nod, she shrugs at me, as I hold the door handle in my hand. I feel her get closer, she takes my hand away from the door holding it in her own. Her lips are soon grazing my cheek. So this is definitely a different turn of events. She reaches up cupping my face, kissing me firmly on the lips, her tongue runs along mine. I bring my arms down around her waist, hers soon snake around my neck, connecting us. My lips soon find her neck, before she pulls away slightly. Right. We aren't really getting along right now, forgot about that.   
  
"Bye." Soon she's disappeared into the night... That was a better goodbye then I got earlier. She's fairly inconsistent.   
  
~*~  
  
"Those were good times..." I look up at her... Okay so maybe this is better than my life has been the past few days. Its good to get out... Or in. Damn sitter, cancelling last minute. I didn't want to impose on Susan. Not that it bothered me before. But tonight was different, Susan might get a bit mad. I run my fingers through my hair. Smiling at her.   
  
"Yeah they were." I concur. She shakes her head at me, reaching for my hand.  
  
"You haven't changed one bit John." 'Cept my wife died, I am raising two kids on my own, I work full time, I barely get out. I have no self respect, I am unsure, not very confident, scared shitless... Yah, I haven't changed.   
  
"So Dana, how have you been?" I sigh, she smiles at me. She has a beautiful smile, she is just beautiful. She always has been. Not that anything happened between us, not really anyways. But still, I can't help but be mesmerized by her. She is amazing. She hasn't changed either. She's still the girl I went to boarding school with. My best friend, the first girl I ever made out with...She's the best. Amazing. Absolutely Amazing. Sebastian and Madison have always adored her, that's the good part of having her over for dinner. They didn't feel threatened by her, not that they should. Nothing is going to happen. We're not like that. Someone else still occupies my every thought, I can't shake her. I don't think I will ever be able too.   
  
"I'm good... But I better go, its getting late." I shake my head, stopping her from getting up.   
  
"Stay here tonight. We have a guest bedroom, no point of going home." She smiles at me, nodding a little. 


	44. Wanting

Authors Note- Sorry for the lack of chapters lately. I know I said yesterday would be a double update day, but I didn't manage to get two uploaded... Sorry :( But here is another chapter, and I would just like to say we have big plans for this story. Oh yes we do. Stick with it, we have some things that we have planned....  
  
Chapter 44  
  
I slowly make my way up the stairs to my apartment. It's been one hell of a weekend. The hospital was great. Everyone there was so pleasant and comforting. It really looked like a place I want to be. Its a place I'm going to be working at in less than a month and a half. Eric was really excited when I told him I accepted the position. I'll be leaving a few things behind in Chicago, but every change has some sacrifices, and I think that this one is the ultimate one. I can't stay here. It's all too complicated. I don't' feel like dealing with this all anymore. I'm the queen of running away, and that's what he will tell me I'm doing. I don't care what he says. This is my life, not him. I just know I will miss those kids. Especially Sebastian. I throw my bag on the floor and shift through the mail. I walk to my answering machine and press the play button. I probably have a few telemarketers calling, telling me that I won a trip to Vegas or Florida or someplace else. What a pile of crap. Susan's voice come on the machine next, telling me to call her as soon as I get back. Okay so I'm back. I'm really not in the mood to talk to her, but being the generous person I am, I'll call her. I'm so full of shit myself sometimes. I dial her number and wait her for her to pick up. It keeps ringing with no answer. I click it off, and decide to take a shower. I got delayed, and my shift starts in about 2 hours. Its going to be an interesting night.   
  
So two hours later, I'm standing with Weaver in the lounge. She's giving me a strange look and I'm afraid to ask what I did. Did I kill someone? Did I do something? What the hell is going on? I'm not in the mood for this right now.   
  
"You accepted the residency in Minneapolis?" I had a feeling that it was going to be our topic. I nod my head slowly and stuff the rest of my crap into my locker. These things really need to be bigger. Like triple the size they are now.  
  
"Yeah. I didn't hear anything from County, and I want to be closer to my family." She pours herself a cup of coffee and I finally turn around to look at her. We were sort of having that half here half wishing I was gone on another planet type conversation   
  
"You should have known we'd always take you." I shrug my shoulders. How was I supposed to know, all I ever get is yelled at for every mistake I make. I haven't heard a compliment from anyone here.   
  
"You're one of the best, Abby." Now, after I've already said yes there, they suddenly want me? I don't think so. I push my ID into my pocket and pull my hair back quickly with a scrunchie.  
  
"Sorry. The place is great. My mind is set." I walk out towards the door, swinging it open before I say yes, I'll stay here.   
  
"If you change your mind, we'll always find room for you." Thank you Weaver. But I'm not that interested. Really. I'm not. I push through the doors and practically plough into Carter. Just made a wonderfully great day, even better. I reek of sarcasm on a daily basis. It's something I've gotten used to. I think Susan has to, since I probably got it from her anyway. I quickly mumble an I'm sorry and walk off. He follows me as I walk away. I have a very bad feeling he knows about my plans. I'm not sure who told him or how he found out. But at least I'm not the one that has to originally tell him.   
  
I pull a chart from the rack, only to have it slammed back down. Okay, so maybe he's just a little angry I haven't talked to him. He grabs my arm and starts pulling me towards the ambulance bay. It's dark outside, and if he plans on murdering me, no one will notice. I push him hand off my arm. He's slowly cutting off the circulation to my hands. I sort of need them, thank you. I press against the brick wall to make some distance from him.  
  
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I wrap my arms closer around my body. It's freezing outside and I'm wearing my thin lab coat with a sleeveless shirt on underneath. Why did I choose that for today? I rub my arms, trying to circulate some form of body warmth in my arms.   
  
"What are you talking about?" I know very well what he's talking about. Or maybe I don't. We can figure this all out together. What a joke. I dig my hands into my pockets, the cold defeating me at the moment. He stares out at the darkness to our right.  
  
"Minnesota?" I shrug my shoulders, he gives me a dirty look. This is the game we play. We just don't' work. We end up hurting each other more than this is all worth. I could have sworn Susan said he had some whore over for the weekend anyway. It doesn't matter. We're not exclusive. We're not married. We're not even engaged. He can do whatever he wants as long as I'm not involved.   
  
"They offered and I accepted. Simple as that." He looks about ready to either punch the wall behind me, or throw my body against it and watch me bleed. I don't know which would be more appealing to him right now. He shakes his head in disgust and walks away. Okay that went fairly well. For now at least. I know that its not the end. Its never the end with Carter. There is always some twist or turn he has to add to keep things interesting. Otherwise we would be boring. I would love boring right about now.   
  
I head in after him, staring a quick jog. I'm still freezing. If I catch pneumonia, I will personally blame him. I grab a chart and head off to work. Hopefully we will have the option of avoiding each other for the shift.   
  
"We're talking after work."  
  
His voice hangs in the air behind me. Damn it.   
  
Review Responses  
  
trish- The updates have been a little relaxed? shall we say lol... I'll try to be a little more frequent...  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Haha, Dana was the only name that came to mind lol.  
  
Kayla- Thanks, I always feel bad for Carter, Abby is taking over his parenting in a way. His kids seem to take to her more than him, they're all he has left lol. I duno I have a soft spot for him...  
  
march- Thank you very much... I hope you like the rest of the chapters :D  
  
smilez4eva- You are going to love Dana.   
  
Tracey- I'm actually not sure if we are or not.  
  
Jane- Someone finally agrees with me lol. I do have some sympathy for Abby, but I'm a full supporter of Carter, I think he just wants to do what's right and he's finding it hard... I might be bias though cause I write for him... lol...Abby is kicking this season on the real ER though, I love her on it. She's been great. I hope you continue to read... You don't sound much like an Abby supporter though lol.  
  
tars- lol Abby's cool lol...  
  
smilez4eva- lol yeah,we have some nifty ideas that we have planned out.. Are you up for a surprise? lol 


	45. Caught up in the moment

Authors Note- Sorry for the delay in chapters lately. Its been my fault, we've gotten behind on the writing somewhat too. Anyways expect an update every single day this week.   
  
I sway gently in the swing, rock my body back in forth. Doing my best to forget the traitorous day I endured. The moon is hidden by dark clouds, it's going to rain soon. I can tell, the unusually warm air in November, tipped me off. Trying to forget all that went down is the hardest part of all this. Fortunately, not a lot of words were exchanged. Just a sentence, one that sent daggers through my heart. I'll probably recover in a few months. After she's gone, cause after all that's what she wants. 'I'm going John, its easier this way.' For who? Her? Me? None, I just wish I could have done something. I should have gone after her, chased her down the street, screamed out at the top of my lungs how much I needed her, how much I loved her. Maybe that would have helped. Maybe not. I wish I knew, I wish she would come back, I wish her flight didn't leave tomorrow. I should have talked to her sooner. She spent two weeks avoiding me, I shouldn't have let her. I guess it doesn't really matter now, she's going to do what she is going to do. I can't stop her, she's got her mind made up. I just wish I knew where we stand.   
  
"You just going to sit out here and mop all night." Susan cracks, plopping down next to me on the swing. I dig my feet into the ground trying to swing higher, she matches me swing for swing. "You know you could always tell her how you feel. Betcha she'd stay if you did that." I shrug, I'm not doing that. Abby knows what she wants, why should I be the guy to stop her, get in the way of her dreams.   
  
"If she really wanted to stay she wouldn't have even thought of going." I bring my swing to an abrupt halt. I kind of wish Susan would go away. She's been a great friend to me over the last couple of years, but right now I just want to be alone. Just me, my swing, and the dark night. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.   
  
"Sure she would of. She's trying to hurt you. Its her way of getting you to prove you care." Great. She runs me over time and time again just to prove something, that she should already know. I run my fingers through my hair, staring at the house.   
  
"I should go check on the kids, I'll see you tomorrow." I leave Susan swinging alone. She'll probably go home, she's been helping me move into the town house. I've had it since Becky and I got married, but after she died, I couldn't bare live here. We started living here again a few months ago. Now I think its best if we move back in. Especially since I am selling my Grandmothers house. A screech, brings me out of my reverie. I rush up the stairs, just like I have everyday since these nightmares started. The screams get louder, piercing my ears. I walk into his room, watching his tiny body quiver, as tears run down his cheeks. I lift him into my arms, his head nestles on my shoulder.   
  
"Shhhh, its okay." The tears slow down, but his grip around my neck does not ease. I bring him downstairs, preparing to get him a glass of water. The doorbell rings, halting my expedition. Susan, I thought she was leaving, maybe I misunderstood. I pull the door open. Okay, so I guess Susan was leaving.   
  
"Hi." She says it in a breathless way. Like she had been practising what to say, and that was the most clever thing she could come up with.   
  
"Hi." I reply. I run my hands along Sebastian's shaking back. She smiles weakly, leading me to wonder why she's here. She wanted nothing to do with me before, now this. Before I say anything, I notice a bag in her hand, a familiar bears head is poking through the top. Right, giving the stuff back, my favourite part of breaking up. Sometimes you even find neat little gizmos that you forgot you had. This time I think it will be more painful, than neat.   
  
"He okay?" She is watching Sebastian intently, I know she wants to hold him, bring him the comfort that she always has. I'm just not sure that is best, she's just going to take off, I don't want him to get his hopes up. I nod in response, checking to see that he's sleeping.   
  
"Yeah... Just another nightmare." I turn around, heading upstairs. I hear the door shut, soon she's on my heels. Following me into Sebastian's bedroom.   
  
The ride up the stairs must be a bumpy one for Seb, because he catches sight of Abby. A soft whimper is all that can be heard for a second. Until she is pulling him from my arms, now I am the one following her. She lays him down his bed, but he pulls her down with him. Resting his head in her lap. I guess two weeks without her was a lot for him. He is soon lying down across her body, she clutches him, whispering into his ear, that it will be okay. Maybe for her. Sebastian sees me watching over them, pulling me into bed, I half land on Abby, half on the bed. He situates himself across both of us, I put my arm around Abby for comfort and only comfort. She shocks me, when her head falls upon my shoulder. I run fingers through Sebastian's hair, his head still on her lap. He is using me more as a foot stool than anything else.   
  
"Is he telling you what the nightmares are yet?" I shake my head, no. He won't talk about them in the morning, its like they're nothing but a joke to him. At night its like this. Shrieks and tears.   
  
"I have a friend, she's a psychiatrist, she's in town for a few days, I'll get her to take a look at him tomorrow." Abby shoots me a look. One that I can only describe as sceptical.   
  
"Maybe he won't tell her." She seems a little defensive... Reluctant even, jealous. I laugh a little. She's jealous of Dana. Susan must have told her about Dana. Sebastian has always liked Dana, he never took to he the way he took to Abby, but I have never seen him react that way with anyone but her.   
  
"Don't worry Abby. No one will come in between you and Seb. Only distance." I add bitterly. This time the look she sends me is more a death glare. She sits up, trying to pull herself away from me, but considering Sebastian has pretty much got us both pinned to the bed, I don't think that will be possible.   
  
"Who is she anyways." She relaxes a bit more.   
  
"An old friend." I don't see why she cares. She's leaving, I can see or screw who ever I please. So can Seb for that matter, except he can't screw who he wants, I won't allow that. I watch as Abby sighs, collapsing against me.   
  
"Okay." She runs her hands through her hair, obviously frustrated with me. I've put up with her for the last few months. I wouldn't have thought of it as putting up with her, not until now at least. Till she showed me how little she is willing to put into this, how much I don't need her. If I want to date Dana I will... Crap Dana. I glance over at the clock on Seb's wall. Uh-oh, Dana should be here in about ten minutes. She decided to stay here a bit longer, spend some time with Sebastian, Madison and I. She hasn't seen the kids in a while. She helped me with them, also, when Becky died. I think they miss her, she was always great with them. Maddie really liked her, Becky and Dana were friends, and they formed a bond, and they would take Madison out shopping and such. So Madison really missed Dana when she left Chicago for good a few years ago. She was like her second mom. She never really had anyone else, other than Susan.  
  
"Why are you here?" I am trying to argue her out of my house. Its the only way she will go, without me falling completely in love with her... again. She tenses up a little, I pull my hand from behind her.   
  
"I came to return some of Madison and Sebastian's stuff..." Her voice trails off, she seems hurt, pained. Maybe she doesn't really want to stay. Susan may be right, may be all I have to do is tell her to stay. But is it worth it? Shouldn't she want to stay, stay here with me. Our- my kids.   
  
"Well do that... We don't need you." A mix of hurt and anger washes over her face. She carefully peels Sebastian off of her, extracting herself from the bed. She angrily leaves the room, storming down the stairs, I follow her, preparing to lock her out.   
  
"I shouldn't have even come here. I should have gotten Susan to drop the stuff off. It was a bad idea." She shakes her head at me, roughly throwing her shoes and jacket on. "I should have known you would be such an asshole. I mean its who you are."   
  
"Just leave." I run my fingers through my hair, she has a lot of nerve coming into my house and treating me like this.   
  
"You're probably screwing that woman anyways." She says pulling her jacket on over her arm.   
  
"Yeah I am Abby." I lie. She might know that I am lying but I don't care anymore... Its all getting to be too much. Too much stress, too much drama.   
  
"You were probably fucking her while we were together. I mean I thought we still were together." You what? No she didn't. She did not think that, if that is some sort of sick revenge, or stupid revenge actually, than I don't know. I think low of her.   
  
In the midst of our arguing the doorbell rings, Abby, being closer throws the door open. Dana stands in front of us. Abby looks as though she is about to throw her down the stairs, before she does, I lean in and gently kiss Dana on the lips.   
  
Review Response  
  
smilez4eva- We have one coming up lol.  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- well the last few chapters have been a little delayed, but we're trying for more regular updates!  
  
Jane- Don't worry I understand, I think Abby is awesome in season ten, she's come along way. I know some people don't like her, but I think shes kinda cool. 


	46. Choosing what's right

Chapter 46  
  
I take the lamp off my side table and wrap it bubble wrap and place it into the box I have marked fragile about a million times. I hate moving things, because something always breaks. It has to. The movers always have to break something, some form of a twisted tradition. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. This is insane. I'm insane. So I'm going away to be with my crazy family. Now it makes sense. It all works out. I close the box and secure it with tape. It's 7:58 in the morning and I'm packing my boxes. I'm not leaving for another 2 months, but someone's already interested in my condo, and I need to get rid of it before someone decides that they don't want it. I'm staying at Susan's. She has an extra bedroom, and since she's slowly working less and less, and more immobile, it would work well for both of us. I don't' know how Chuck feels about it, but I could careless.  
  
I push the box towards the door, the movers are coming eventually to take this stuff and ship it to Minnesota. My mother bought a house, and well she has more room than she knows what to do with. And I don't mind living with my mom. She's been on her meds recently, so maybe it will be okay. If worse comes to worst, I can find a residency in China. Or Antarctica. Maybe even Alaska. Who knows where this is all leading. I take off my robe, my body almost instantly cooled. My tank top is soaked with sweat, the weather has been hell lately. It needs to rain, and its humid, but it won't. Chicago weather likes to torture me. I roll up the ends of my pyjama pants and turn them into versatile Capri's. I feel better. At least no one will see me walking around like this. I collapse against the sofa. I don't' even know if I'm working today. Probably tonight. The graveyard shift, my pride and joy lately. Its the only way I can avoid seeing Carter. Its way too complicated to even begin to think about. I push the pillow under my head and close my eyes, letting the air from the fan hit my body and cool it. The world is suddenly silent, except for a persistent tapping. That tapping is getting extremely annoying. I wonder what it is. I sit up on my elbows. Oh. It's my door. I stand up and throw my robe on, not bothering to tie it. Damn people, don't they know its like eight in the morning?   
  
I trudge over to the door, the movers said around noon, not eight in the morning. I unlock my door and quickly open it. I wish I could quickly slam it. No such look. I open the door wider and let the Devil Incarnate into my apartment. I know her from what I've heard about her. I've seen her kiss my ex boyfriend. Whatever works to fuck Abby over, right? What does she want from me now? To tell Sebastian and Madison that I hate them, and I never want to see them again? Does she want to make me out to be the horrible bitch, and she the perfect angel? I don't think so. I walk back to my window, and open up another one that I seemed to see closed. I see her look around my apartment in the corner of her eye. What? Isn't the place good enough for you? I'm attempting to restrain myself. I pick up a pack of cigarettes from the table and my lighter comes out from my pocket. I light the tip and inhale, pulling the toxins and nicotine into my system. A bad habit for a horrible person. Big deal what she thinks. I walk over to the window and sit on the ledge. I'm not bitter at all.   
  
"Abby."  
  
I look at her and she has uncomfortable written across her face. I wish I knew what she wanted, it would make everything much, much easier for both of us. Did he send her here to check up on me or something? I watch her run her hand through her dark brown hair. She straightens her jacket and carelessly plays with her shoes on the carpet.   
  
"I'm sorry for coming here, and so early. I'm catching a plane in a few minutes."  
  
And I care because? I really don't. That plane of yours definitely is not coming fast enough in my book, sweetheart. I throw the butt of my cigarette out the window. I wonder if a falling cigarette butt thrown out of a fifth story window could kill someone? Its falling at 9.98 meters per second, and gaining velocity. But then again you would have to factor in wind resistance. See, I would rather see that plane of yours go down a couple hundred miles per hour into a nice concrete spot, gaining velocity as it falls. Always loved gravity. Never bothered me.   
  
"I just wanted to tell you that nothing happened between me and John."I roll my eyes, wrapping my arms closer to my body. I look out the world beginning to move below me. I love my view. I'm going to miss it.   
  
"Yes, and Carter used to kiss Frank the same way." I hear her expensive heels hit my wooden floor as she makes her way towards me. Why would he choose me over her? She's beautiful, rich, intelligent, powerful. I'm nothing and nobody. He'd be stupid if he chose me over her. Hell, I think I would choose her over myself. She leans against my now empty cabinet and looks at me.   
  
"Nothing happened. He's angry and jealous. I'm engaged. He loves you, you're just too blind or stupid to see it." She turns around and starts heading towards my door. I watch her go. Something makes me want to follow her and drill her for details, and the other half wants me to stand here, right by the window, and watch her go, wishing her and Carter the best. Of course, neither is an option. She stops and comes back.   
  
"I hate to admit it. Becca was one of my closest friends, but he... He loves you... More than I thought it was possible for him to love a person. You're destroying him... You don't see it because you choose not to. You're leaving him and his kids, who have grown attached to you. What kind of person are you? You're a mother deserting her children. Those are your children, I never heard Abby from them. I heard mom. Constantly, around the clock, driving John insane. "When is mom coming home?" or "Daddy, I want mommy." Its not fair to them. At least think of Seb and Maddie."  
  
She turns back around and prances, slamming the door behind her. I slowly sit down on the floor, making my body cooperate with me. My children? Are they really my children? I never even thought of that. I thought of it as a phase, a type of momentary dependence. Not something that would have a profound effect on them. They've already lost one mother. Am I going to be the second? I'm not biologically theirs. They shouldn't.. I shouldn't... No. This isn't fair. Its not supposed to happen this way. Shit. I walk to my bedroom, sifting through the mess, pulling out a pair of jeans and a clean dark blue shirt. I quickly pull them on, and grab my purse. Why the hell am I doing this? Why am I going back? Am I being the weak one? Or the strong one? Is this the right thing to do? To me it is. I don't' give a damn what he says. I want to see Maddie and Sebastian. I want to see him. I race out the door.  
  
My pace quickens as I get closer to the L. I quickly run through the platform. My feet tap impatiently against the wood. It's not like their going anywhere. Why am I running? I finally realized I'm missing something, and now I can't get there fast enough to start building it up again. The train finally comes, and I get onto it. I don't bother to sit down. The ride is only a few minutes anyway. Those few minutes can't take longer to pass. Finally I see my stop coming up and when the doors open, I'm the first one out. I make my way quickly down the stairs and toward his street. I'm practically running, well not really. A slight jog, maybe. I finally see his house in the distance, and I quickly my pace even more. I straighten my messy hair and ring the doorbell. I used to have a key. I just don't have enough patience to use it. The door opens and I see a dishevelled Carter standing before me with a bewildered expression on his face. I move a few steps closer and meet my lips with his dry ones. I wrap my arms around his neck, and hold him closer to me. My tongue laces his passionately, his hands still trying to figure out what to do. I finally break away, gasping for air. I lay my head down on his shoulder, and his hands pull me closer to him. This was rigged. I don't care anymore.  
  
Review Responses  
  
tars- It gets better... At least in my opinon.  
  
smilez4eva- lol yeah everything seems so rushed lately, I have been a bit busier, which I am kind of liking, it doesn't give me as much time to post chapters, but I don't know I'm having fun lol.   
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Dana good. Dana very good actually.You like her after what she said to Abby right? lol Carter's jsut being stupid, adn dickhead does suit him sometimes lol  
  
Carby04- Thank you very much lol, you should review more often lol, we love reviews. Reviews are fun. But thanks for reviewing at all :)... Carter does smarten up a bit though.  
  
shygirly- Thanks, we try to get new chapters up everyday, although lately I've been a bit laxed with the whole deal. I hope you liked this chapter, it was the real icing on the cake lol.  
  
march- lol very sorry about that, busy weekend lol... sorta....  
  
trish- lol yeah, crazily long lol. Hopefully daily updates and if I get people pestering me it will definitely be daily updates lol. If you tell me to update (email or review) I will definitely do it lol.  
  
Preview  
  
"MOMMY!" Their voices shriek, cutting through the air. And for once, I don't wince, cringe, or wish that they wouldn't call her that. Its true. She is their mother. I can't do anything to change that... Madison hasn't taken to calling her mom quite as much as Seb, but she still sees her in that light. 


	47. Feeling it

Authors Note- First I'd like to apologize for the lack of updates lately. I have been kind of busy doing a pile of different things so its been hard to post a chapter everyday. But I am trying. We have a few chapters written that have yet to be posted, but I will try to get them posted over the next little while! Thanks for the reviews. I probably won't be posting chapters as frequently, but at least three times a week. That will be my goal:) W  
  
Chapter 47  
  
I pull her closer to me, trying to make us one almost. She tucks her hands under my shirt, running her fingers along my chest. I kiss her again, I can't believe this. I really thought she was gone, for good. I didn't think I would get her back, not in this lifetime at least. I run my fingers through her messy hair, slowly walking us back into the warmth of the house. She pulls away, staring me in the eye. I can't help but smile. I really can't. If there was one thing I wanted, above anything, it was to have her... Here. I move down to kiss her again, her tongue explores my mouth. I love her. I know it now. For sure, not a doubt in my mind. Nothing could have proved it more, she showed up. I didn't push her, she did it.   
  
"I love you." She says it in one breath. It practically takes my feet out from underneath me. I lean down kissing her gently, passionately, afraid that I might loose her once again. I couldn't bear that. I need to be with her, always, forever. I hold her against me, our hearts beating together. Yah, this is what I always wanted. Its not perfect, but that's okay, cause perfect is boring. She is anything but perfect. Before I can respond two sets of feet pound against the hard wood floor.   
  
"MOMMY!" Their voices shriek, cutting through the air. And for once, I don't wince, cringe, or wish that they wouldn't call her that. Its true. She is their mother. I can't do anything to change that... Madison hasn't taken to calling her mom quite as much as Seb, but she still sees her in that light.   
  
Abby pulls away from me slightly our hands still connected. Sebastian leaps into her arms, clinging to her. I have had to listen to him scream for her in the middle of the night for two weeks straight, hell longer than that. Madison, a little shyer than Sebastian, reaches for Abby, who obliges, taking her into her arms. Planting a kiss on her forehead. I reach down pulling her into my arms.   
  
"Are you going to leave again?" Seb asks sadly. A tear falls down her cheek, as she shakes her head no. She's hooked now, we have her, hook, line and sinker. Yah, she's all mine. Theirs too. Maddie pulls out of my arms and into Abby's. Sebastian refuses to let go. Its quite a reunion. I never thought I would see these two become so attached. They do anything to be around her. They adore her. Which is amazing, because so do I. I love her more than life its self. She means the world to me. As cheesy as that sounds, and it sounds cheesy, I can't help it. I need her. The kids need her, we're nothing without her.   
  
"I'm never going anywhere." Abby assures Seb. The tears are flowing more freely now, flooding down her cheeks. The gates have opened.   
  
"Promise?" Madison asks helplessly. All Abby can do is nod and kiss her.   
  
"Hey guys, why don't you go watch TV, Abby and I will be in, in a minute." I say, the smile still plastered on my face. I'm a grinning idiot. Seb and Maddie run into the living room, I can hear them leap onto the couch. I pull Abby up the stairs leading her to my bedroom to talk. Later we'll be doing other things up there, but this time, I just need to be near her.   
  
I pull her onto the bed, lying down. She wraps her arms around my chest, lying on top of me. I kiss the top of her head, pulling arms around her body. I breath in her scent, trying to memorize her, just in case something happens. Something horrible that takes her away from me. Something unbearable. I want to remember, I never want to forget anything about her. Her hands trail up my chest.   
  
"What made you come back?" I ask looking down at her. She rests her chin on my chest, thinking for a second. Trying to piece together the right words to use.   
  
"Um-" She starts, suddenly she looks puzzled. Which worries me, but only for a second, cause soon a smile passes over her lips. "Something happened. Something made me realise how great you are. How much I..." She swallows, "how much I love you, how much I love Madison and Sebastian. I never thought I would have this, you know?" I nod understanding. She always thought the worst. Thought she could never be loved, never love. But she's so damn loveable. Once you meet her, she's just unbelievingly amazing.   
  
"I have it though. I have a family." She smiles, I lean down kissing her again. I can never do that enough.   
  
I run my tongue along her lips. "Don't leave me again. Don't threaten to leave... Just stay with me... Forever?" She laughs, sitting up a bit more.   
  
"Don't be a stubborn jackass and I won't have too." I laugh with her, yeah she makes a point. But I think we understand each other a bit more. That time a part gave us a chance to really experience life apart. Its not good, not at all. They say you shouldn't base your happiness on just one person. I haven't. I've based it on three individual people. The people that make everyday worth while, and without one of them.... Everything- everything just seems so dull. Life seems less exciting...  
  
"I deserve that... How about, we both admit how we feel and things should be dandy." She pulls herself up to my eye level.   
  
"I've never had dandy before... I'm sure it doesn't exist... But okay." She laughs. Kissing me once again.   
  
"You're probably right." I pull my arms tighter around her, her head nestles into my shoulder. She places lazy kisses up my neck to my mouth, god, how did I go without her. I rub her back soothingly...   
  
"Hey Abby..." Her eyes are closed, I can hear a slight happy hum from her throat...  
  
"Mmmm?" I laugh a little.  
  
"I love you too." She looks up at me, smiling a bit.   
  
Review Responses  
  
Kayla- Thanks!  
  
Kayla- Hehe thanks, its the many colours of Carter.  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Heh, we're trying to make it as unlike HTLAB as possible lol... So twists will be coming your way;)  
  
smilez4eva- Thanks! Studying sucks lol, I was always horrible at it.  
  
Preview  
  
"Can you leave? Just, please... Leave?" I glance back at him, he sends me a dejected look. Right now I don't care what he feels about me. I need this to myself. I need to revive my life. I need to feel some form of pain or joy, to fill the emptiness inside me. 


	48. Back to where we Started

Authors Note- I was just sitting here listening to Kenny Chesney (How Hot is he???) and decided, hm, I should post a chapter. So I am. I hope you all enjoy it, its Liby's... Oh and those who are fans of Bitter Sweet regrets, I think we are going to start posting chapters for that one again! Thanks for the reviews!  
  
Chapter 48  
  
I let the brisk wind hit my face with its complete fury. I don't care. I can smell the lake, a sharp penetrating odour. The wind pushes the clouds closer and closer to the city, an impending storm is brewing. I can hear the thunder rolling in the distance, the lighting hissing. A few drops of rain plop heavily down onto my head. The families on the ground below me run for shelter. I can't bring myself to go back inside. I always thought that being a doctor, I could do anything. Nothing was too hard, especially a simple infection. I was the healer, the one that would save their lives. But it didn't work that way. I wasn't invincible. I wasn't god. I wasn't worth the title. I couldn't save her. She came into my life, hating me, wanting nothing to do with me. I let her into my heart, I let myself love her. We had a bond. She went through so much, her mother dying, her father searching for a way to be with her. I hold the teddy bear she gave me closer to my arms. She should be alive. Not me. I trace the jagged edges along the ears, the places where the material is slowly coming apart. She held onto her teddy bear more than she held on to anything else. She wasn't a bad kid, just protective and enclosed. She was afraid of the world, it had been cruel to her already. Now she was gone.   
  
I feel a pair of hands wrapping around my waist, but I stay stiff. He should know I would rather be alone. I've spent a lot of time alone lately, and I guess its because everything is taking its toll on me. All I want to do is go home and hold Seb in my arms for a while. I want to hold him and protect him from all the evils and disasters of the world. He finally gives up, slipping a coat around my shoulders. I don't care, I'm numb to the elements right now. The only thing I can feel is the pain in my heart. I could have saved her, yet I didn't. It's my fault she died. The wind pushes the coat off my shoulders, and it hangs lazily on my right shoulder, I grasp it and pull it into my arms. I quickly wipe away the tears that I had let fall for her. I hate forming bonds with my patients, because I get too involved. I hate loving one of my patients, because I can never stop blaming myself.   
  
His arms wrap back around me and I slowly melt into his warm embrace. I'm allowed to be weak, its what being human is all about. His hands run up and down my back, gently telling me it will all be okay. For you, it might, but it will never be for me. She was mine, as much as she was yours. You had a different bond with her, you were authority. I was there by her side through the long nights. I was the one that she called for whenever something happened. So what if she wasn't biologically mine, love knows no barriers or limits. I push back away from him. Why did I let him love me? Life is a game of chance, and sometimes you draw the wrong card. I don't know when I'm going to die, and leave them all. I don't want to cause them all that pain. It wouldn't be fair. If I could for one hundred years, I would rather live that much minus one day, so I would never have to be without the ones I love. Life is never fair.   
  
He comes closer to me, I walk farther away. I wish he would just understand me. I don't want to tell him all I'm feeling because it won't make me feel any better. I just want to watch the sun go down and the storm attack the city. I want to me in the serenity of my own self for a while. I wish he could understand that.   
  
"Can you leave? Just, please... Leave?" I glance back at him, he sends me a dejected look. Right now I don't care what he feels about me. I need this to myself. I need to revive my life. I need to feel some form of pain or joy, to fill the emptiness inside me.   
  
"I'm not going anywhere." I walk towards the edge of the building, his feet in sync with mine. I can hear his exasperated sigh in the background, a sure sign that he does not want to be here. I know him by now, he knows nothing about the way I think or feel. How are we even working out anymore.   
  
"Abby... Go home. Madison and Sebastian are there. I'll cover for you." How am I supposed to go home and hold my two children, when I lost another one today? Its not fair. She was always in here, it will never be the same again. I remember her bright blue eyes, and her dark blonde curls. She was the cutest thing that walked through the door. She was so sick. I only saw her walk through the door once. Otherwise she was being carried, or brought in on a gurney. She hated hospitals, and she hated me the most. She blamed me for being there. I never gave up on her though, we became friends. I loved her. Her father was a disaster waiting to happen, he didn't give a damn about his daughter. He was an alcoholic, drinking away all his pains. Just like I did before, I could relate. I spend time with her, nights in recovery after surgery, or days of boredom in her room.   
  
"Its always hard when you loose someone your close to. I've had it happen to me before. I know what it feels like. But it gets better, believe me." I want to scream at him. No it will never get better. I can't go on like this. I can't subject myself or anyone to this pain. Why did I decide to become a doctor? Why did I decide to do this? I'm a worthless physician, and a weak person. I push him off me again, I don't want his sympathy or comfort right now.   
  
"Stop telling me its going to be okay. Its my fault she's dead." I feel his hands grab my shoulders and he faces me towards him. I don't know if he's doing this as a boyfriend, a friend, or a supervisor. Maybe all three. Maybe just plain love. I don't know. I just can't bare to face him right now.  
  
"Its not your fault. You did everything you could. You are a great doctor."  
  
I escape from his grasp, letting the wind throw my hair around everywhere, blinding me, shifting me, sending me into unknown depths. He catches me again, pulling me towards him.   
  
"No. I'm not. I'm worthless. I don't know how you can love me."  
  
He's standing behind me, his hand wrapped around my stomach as tight as they can be so I don't escape. I want to break away from these fetters that are being put on me. I want to be everything I will never be. I want to feel deserted, yet know I have someone that will always be there. I don't' know what I want anymore. I want to be alone. I can feel his warm breathe tickling my neck, his hands digging into my flesh.   
  
"But I do. I love you more than life itself. I wish you could see that." I shake my head. No. He shouldn't. I'm not the one he's supposed to love. There's probably someone better than me. A better doctor, a better person, a better mother, a better friend. I'm nothing compared to the ideal image. I dig my nails into his skin, wanting for him to let go. He won't have any of it.   
  
"Marry me, Abby?" His grip on my stomach is as tight as it can be. I'm left gasping for air, the words blur together, a false lie amidst the pain. I can't do this. I can't be with him, I'll only hurt him. He doesn't' want me, he's just sympathetic. I shake my head, no. I can't do this. Not today, not now. Why now? No. His hands grow limp around my waist and I'm finally set free to go. I drop his jacket onto the floor in front of him, and set towards the stairs. I need to get away from here. This hospital seems to be my personal hell. I'm going home. I want to see Maddie and Sebastian, I want to hug them and kiss them, thanking whoever gave them to me for them. I also want to head back up those stairs and scream yes, I love you. But I can't. I can't do either. I'll slowly wander the streets, eventually heading back somewhere familiar. I don' know what else to do. My mind is a mess of unshed tears and forsaken memories. I wish the world would stop.   
  
Review Responses  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- LOL just angsty, but we sorta love angst lol. Not sure why, I'm trying to write a fluffly fic at the moment and its not going too well lol. Angst works.   
  
CherryFaery- I think Maddie is growing on me too, she's kinda cool lol. 


	49. Going Against It All

**Authors Note- **There's this new editing system on FF.net when you post chapters, and I wanted to check it out, so I thought I'd post another chapter so I could use the new stuff offered.

**Chapter 49**  
  
The house is dark, deserted almost. I flip on the kitchen light, my sitter must be upstairs sleeping. Sometimes she does that when I'm home late. I finger through the mail, nothing catches my eye, just bills. Blah. I want to climb into my own bed, but I don't think I have the energy to climb the stairs. Today was hell, absolute hell. Worse for Abby. She watched someone she spent weeks devoted to die. It wasn't easy on her. They had such a unique connection, reminds me off her bond with Maddie. Full of love and hate at the same time, yet so pure. I'm not sure, but they seem to have a bond, one that Abby could also share with the little girl. Both girls fragile, hopeless at times, but worth it in the end. I see that in Abby, I see the same qualities in her that I see in Madison. I think that frightens her, she doesn't want Maddie to be like her, she detests who she is. She just doesn't see what everyone else sees. I open the fridge, popping open a bottle of water. The cool refreshment revives me a little, but not enough to go all the way upstairs. I'll crash on the couch tonight. I turn off the kitchen light, I'm anal about electricity, I don't like wasting money I don't have too.   
  
I run the bottle of water along my forehead. Trying to cool myself down, it doesn't work as effectively as one would think. Unclasping my tie, I drag my tired ass to the couch. The room is flooded by darkness, not an inch of light seeping in through the pinned shut curtains. My fingers fumble with the buttons on my dress shirt, I get it half undone, still having yet to take my tie off. I am about to lay down on the couch, when I see a sleeping figure move. Huh? The sitter usually takes the upstairs bedroom. Suddenly it hits me, its not the sitter. I kneel down to her eye level, running my fingers along her jaw, her hair sprawled out across the pillow. I rest my chin on her shoulder, watching her sleep. She moans a little, her eyes fluttering open.   
  
"Hi." I murmur, she lifts her hand to my cheek, running her fingers along my rough jaw. She flinches a little as she reaches the stubble.   
  
"Hi." She whispers, I bring my lips to her own. We meet for a short kiss, until a salty tear drop falls upon my lip. I pull away, watching as she sniffles, quickly trying to cover her recently fallen tears. I run my fingers under her head, bringing her into an upright position. I manage to wiggle my way under her, until she is laying against my chest.   
  
"Its not your fault-" I try, I know the words bring no comfort what so ever. When Becca died I spent day in and out blaming myself. Saying maybe if we had waited, like she wanted too, if I hadn't gotten her pregnant at that time... I don't know, it was unexplainable, incomprehensible, the blame hung over my head day and night. No one could understand the immense pain I felt. My mind cluttered with thoughts of how it could have should have been stopped.   
  
"I sat here, watching Madison and Sebastian play. They were so happy..." She chokes on her tears, hesitant to continue. "They have seen so much pain, yet it doesn't even come close to the amount of pain that little girl felt. I just don't understand." She shakes her head, bring her hands up to her face. "I didn't want to come here, yet I needed to be here. I needed to touch them, be near them, make sure they were real. Because everyday I wake up- I wake up and think, this is going to be the day, they day they all just disappear. Nothing this good has ever happened to me. I spent my life wallowing. Giving up when I didn't have too. Only to meet a five and seven year old, who have had more trauma in their short lives, then most people experience in a lifetime." She swallows once again, I tighten my grip on her. Letting her continue. "I may have had a shitty life, yet I have so much opportunity. Madison saw her mother die. Madison knew it was a baby that did that too her. It- Then, then this little girl... What had she done? Nothing, nothing to no one." Her tears are now flowing freely, I want to wipe them all away, take away all her pain. Erase everything that has happened to her. Delete it.   
  
"Abby..." I start, I am not sure if she will let me continue, but when she rests her head against my chest, and sniffles a little, I know it is probably okay to continue. "You brought joy into her life. Something no one had brought for a long time. You made her last days worth while. You couldn't save her, but you showed her hope. Something no one else could give her." I feel her nod against my chest. Right now it seems hopeless, like nothing good has come from this experience, but she has yet to realise all the joy she brought to one life. And all the joy she is still bring to three more.   
  
We sit in silence, our hearts seeming to beat in sync, but none of that seems to comfort her. Not completely at least. I wrap my arms tighter around her waist, I don't want to let her go, I'm afraid that if I do, she will run. She did earlier today, I was afraid she would take off, to where I'm not sure. She is practically living with us, she doesn't get her new place for a few more weeks. Its been nice having her around, the kids are loving it, I'm not sure how they will deal when she moves out. Although, I am pretty sure she will pay us frequent visits.   
  
"I can't." Can't? I look at her the best I can in the dark. Is she talking about moving in, cause I swear I was just thinking that. I didn't realise I was saying it out loud. Waiting for her to expand. It doesn't seem as though she is going too.   
  
"Can't what?" I cock my eyebrow, I don't think she sees it.   
  
"Marry you." Its barely audible, but it stings. I'm not sure why I even asked, nothing makes sense anymore, I run purely on instinct with her, its the only thing to do. I sigh a little, obviously hurt. "If you don't want anything to do with me anymore, I under-"  
  
"Don't be ridiculous." Something my parents use to say to me when I was younger... She shouldn't be. I would never leave her because she doesn't want to marry me right now.   
  
"Its just, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to marry you." She sighs a bit. "I can't do it again. Especially not with you, there is just- just so much at stake. Madison, Sebastian... You..." I can't let this get to me, I can't. This is just because of today, in a few days, weeks, months, she will no longer feel the same. I know it, I know Abby. She won't feel like this she just needs time.   
  
"Okay." I figure its the best card to play right now, the only card to play.  
  
"You're really okay with that?" She glances up at me. Well, no. Not exactly, but I'm not sure I have any other options. I can't force her into something she doesn't want to do. But I would never leave her, I can't imagine my life without her in it. She makes it complete.   
  
"Do I have a choice?" She loosens my grip on her a bit, I'm not sure if se is looking for a fight right now. But I don't think I can give it to her, I don't want to fight with her. She sits up, but I pull her back down. No. I'm not going to let you do this. You can push as much as you want, I'm not going anywhere. I'm never leaving you. It would be impossible. If I couldn't last three weeks or so, how am I going to last the rest of my life. I could try to find someone to fill the void, but they would never do. They'd be just that, a void filler. For ever and always. She shrugs her shoulders.   
  
"I love you." I say firmly, confidently. She stiffens as the words fly off my tongue. She is not in the mood to feel loved, she thinks since someone else felt pain, she should feel the same thing. Punishing herself, is something she has perfected over the years, god I wish she'd stop it. Its painful to watch.   
  
"Don't say that." She lashes at me, throwing the words out. Like I had just said something horribly wrong.   
  
"Why not? Its true." I defend, she pushes me off her, walking across the room.   
  
"Not tonight, Carter." Don't start this tonight. "Love means shit. Its nothing, nothing but a word. You don't love me, I don't love you- We're... We're just void fillers." She chokes out the last words. Slowly I rise off the couch, taking her in my arms, she reluctantly lets me. I try to ease her pain, god I hope she'll be okay.

**Review Responses**

**smilez4eva- **Hehe, that was what Liby wanted, to make you all think that Maddie had died. She did a pretty good job at it too.

**smilez4eva-** Too bad that happiness can't last long huh? lol... But you never know what's going to happen in our fics lol.

**Callie-** Over the last few chapters Abby and Carter had been arguing over how he raises his kids. They finally worked somethings out, then Carter became a little scared because Abby was the first woman he had been with since Becca, so he pushed her away. Abby almost moved to Minnesota, but then she decided not too, because Carters friend Dana (whom he kissed to anger Abby) convinced her not too. She ran to him, they kissed told each other they loved each other blah blah blah. Now Abby is upset because a patient she cared about died and Carter is trying to help her deal. Does that help any? I hope I was able to clear it up for you.

**ER-Carby-Luva-** Heh, well it might end that way. Right now I am not so sure, but who knows lol. We are carbies... lol so there's a hint!

**fiery red-headed girl**- lol nope we did not kill of Maddie don't worry lol.

**Pa-** Well Abby is a runner lol. I am trying for daily updates but its been tougher on me lately. I will try for _at least_ three times a week.

**Nikki-** Thank you lol. It was rather cheery wasn't it?

**Preview**

"I'm sorry." I watch a boat sail across the surface, a pure white boat against the contrast of a dark blue.

"You didn't do anything." I see him pull his hat on tighter over his head, a few strands of his brown hair sticking out in ever which direction.


	50. Breaking

**Authors Note- **Hello folks, I am posting a chapter today also, for many reasons. But one being because its Liby's birthday, and she hates her birthday, but we love her, so we say **HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIBY:D!!! **

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**Chapter 50**  
  
The warm sand sifts between my toes as I slowly waddle through it. His little hand is enclosed in mine, holding on tightly for dear life. He looks out at the waves, wishing he could go in, knowing he can't. He's still too young. When he learns how to swim, then he'll be out there all the while. But for now, he has to settle for holding my hand and walking through the waves. He slowly reaches down and picks up a branch, throwing it into the water. The wind flaps my dress closer to my body, my hair is up in a tight ponytail, yet I feel it swinging against my back, full throttle. I keep walking with him, against the long expanse of the beaches. There is a point where the beach is closed off to all people. I want to reach that point, and know I made it that far. Seb tugs on my arm, and I reach down, pulling him into my arms. His head rests on its usual place on my shoulder, his hands wrapping around my neck and holding on to my ponytail. I keep walking as far as the wind will push me, and my legs will take me. I'm far away from the populated beaches, the sand much warmer and cleaner. I let Seb down and sit him down on the sand. I ease myself down next to him.   
  
"We need to talk." He crawls into my lap and I wrap my arms around the front of his chest. He leans into me, and I rock him back and forth. My fingers intertwine with his. His are so tiny and fragile compared to my worn ones. I kiss him on he forehead and he gives me his irresistible pouty face.   
  
"Seb, you know how sometimes things don't go as you plan?" He nods his head, absorbed in this conversation. I don't know why I'm doing this, here and now. I never planned for it all to happen, but its the only thing that is keeping me alive. Knowing that I have two people that love me regardless of what I will be or never be. He seems too mature for his age. He looks absorbed in his thoughts, in the words that are flowing carelessly out of my mouth.   
  
"Well... The same thing happened to me." He looks out at the ocean. I can see the tears filling his deep hazel eyes, and he starts to ease his way out of my lap.   
  
"Are you leaving again?" I nod my head, the wind wanting to force me the other direction, it seems to be howling the opposite of what I am thinking. It wants to say I'm staying, I'll never leave you. The words never come. I shift the grains of sand between my two fingers as he stands staring out at the approaching clouds, and bitter waves crashing against the rocks nearby. A set of waves crashing hard and fast into a rock wall. The way my life has always been. A painful crash into oblivion. The water shimmers and sparkles with the sun. A beautiful day, I don't deserve it.   
  
"I'm sorry." I watch a boat sail across the surface, a pure white boat against the contrast of a dark blue. I see Sebastian following it with his eyes, but still concentrating on me.   
  
"You didn't do anything." I see him pull his hat on tighter over his head, a few strands of his brown hair sticking out in ever which direction. He looks so adorable. The wind almost seems ready to carry him away from me. It pushes him, and he fights for his balance.   
  
"Then don't go." I stand up walking toward him. I knew he was going to be the hardest one to tell. Carter won't care. Madison will be happy to get rid of me. But Sebastian is a different story. I'm breaking whatever trust he will ever have in me. I'm destorying him more than I will ever care to admit. I am a worthless beast, not capable of loving.   
  
"I have to, Seb." I crouch down to meet his eye level, but he pushes away from me. He starts back towards the direction we came from, running as fast as his little feet will carry him. I wait a second, and run off after him. My strides are twice as big as his, I am a few feet away from him, but I dare not touch him. I let him walk, close enough to prevent any danger, and far enough to let him heal. We reach the street, he look back at me for guidance. I walk up to him, grabbing his hand, crossing the street. He wants to let me go and run as far away as he can. I can't let him. He'd get hurt, but maybe less than everything I've done to him lately. Finally, we reach the block, and he breaks away from me. He starts a run towards the house, I follow him, hoping to god he will not trip. He makes it up the stairs and I lumber slowly after him. He gets in and slams the door. I walk up the stairs, but don't go in.   
  
I sit on the hard wood steps. They are warm from the sun, yet rough and unpleasant. I lean my head into my hands, watching a family pass across the street. The wife and husband holding hands, pushing a baby stroller with the other. All the things I will never have. I'm not envious or jealous. I'm actually glad. I won't have to deal with any of the sort.   
  
The door opens and closes softly. The floor creaks behind me, and I recognize the steps and the weight upon them. He stands, I sit. In a more than uncomfortable air between us. Its almost palpable. I can feel his doubts burning into me. I can feel my uncertainty weighing down the air around me.   
  
"Why?" I shrug my shoulders, he sits down next to me. I feel the boards lean to even out our weight. I wish I knew why. I don't.   
  
"So I can get out of your lives... So you can start rebuilding them... So you don't have the burden of me on your shoulders." He gets up, walking down the stairs, his feet hitting the stairs harder and harder each time.  
  
"I never said that... Where do you get that?" I shrug my shoulders again. He's not convinced. He wants more, the way he stares at me. The way I always disappoint him, anger him, frustrate him. I'm not worth it, Carter. Why can't you see that?   
  
"Its not something you say. It's a feeling. I've felt it all before." He walks up to me, up the stairs again. A ritual he has become accustomed to. He stops in front of me. I'm looking at the patterns of circles in the wood, tracing their destiny along the boards.   
  
"The only thing you feel is love, and it scares the hell out of you." Love is a cruel, sick joke. A stupid lie that I've learned is never true. There is nothing as true love. Love and pain are eternally linked, and somehow I always end up with the pain part, never the love part.   
  
"Fuck off, Carter." My voice comes out as a whisper, only heard by him, sending him into shock for a second. He doesn't understand the context of what I just said, it takes him time to fully grasp the idea. I don't' know why I said it. It just seemed like the only resolution to my problems at this point. The only way I can get him away from me. The only way to ease myself away from him. He doesn't look back at me, he just simply heads towards the door. He doesn't slam it, like Seb had. He closes it calmly. When I hear the click, I finally let myself breathe. The tears are building up, but I doubt they will flow. I've stopped crying, I've stopped showing whatever weaknesses I have. I watch the flowers sway in the wind. I wish I could be the wind, blowing far and away, never to be felt or seen again.   
  
**Review Responses  
**  
**trish-** The line droppage is much appreciated. Heh, thank you. Glad you're still enjoying the fic.  
  
**FallenAngelShootingStar-** So you were a virgin reviewer of this fic? Aw. Thanks for reviewing. Yes thats what I love about first person, you can get right into the nitty gritty down and dirty of their nasty little brains lol. Oh yes and Kenny is a god:D I am listening to the gorgeous man right now.. He's so freaking sexy!

**Er-Carby-Luva-** This is like my third day in a row for updating I'm so proud!!! Thanks!!!

**Shygirly-** LOL heh, I read your fic I really like it too! I'm glad you're addicted to our fic!


	51. Unfettered

**Authors Note-** We are ending this fic... Well sort of. We are starting a sequel, so this is the prequel to the sequel. So the sequels prequel. get it? got it? Good! That one will be out tonight or tomorrow, depends. I'm not sure what this all depends on, but its just depending right now lol. Thanks for the reviews.   
  
**Chapter 51**  
  
Air piecing through my lungs, I try to breath, its impossible. Wind clobbers me, enabling me to breathe. Slowly I come to a walk, the city swirls around me, not a steady face in sight. Blurring together, words echoing loudly, nothing seems real anymore. Piece falling around me, finger tips digging into each one, trying to get a hold, a proper grip. They fall faster, more frequent. Reminding me, I have no control. The world is smothering me, punishing me. Her words sting, sharp little needles dig into my pores, the pain dripping like blood on an open wound. I try to fix them, dab my wounds, they grow further. Faster, deeper. Hopeless. Everything. Her reflection embedded in my eyelids, like a picture that will never fade. I run my fingers over my heavy lidded eyes, praying that someone, somewhere will help me. Erase these past three years, bring back the life I once new. The lies I once relished in, no matter how falsified the truths were, they always sounded sweeter then the nails that rip across the chalk board. The sounds of my present life. I collapse against the cement. My body heaving against the brick wall, scratching my back, digging into each and every fibre of my being. Shredding every hope I had of a decent life.   
  
My hands crack beneath me, I bring myself up to a standing position. She's so close. Walking in there, telling her exactly what I have too. Explain every emotion, deep down pain. The sun pierces through my skin, dazing me... Maybe she's right, maybe love is a lie. One I've conjured up. I look up two stories. her window ajar. Letting me know she's there.  
  
"Abby-" I screech it, bellow it up at her. Not trying to get her attention, trying to relieve myself of every pain I have ever felt. Anything she induced, she owns me, she knows that.   
  
I stare at her window, knowing she probably heard nothing.   
  
"I- I, you have me. Or had, you held me completely. All the control was in your hands. It isn't anymore. I can't keep doing this. You can't keep doing this. Not to us, not to them, not to me. You're not only hurting yourself... Your selfish ways have finally caught up with you." I pause, waiting for her to poke her head out at me, scream at the top of her lungs, tell me she loves me. I know it won't happen, but for a fleeting moment, I think, I think maybe, just maybe she will say it. I stare at her window a second longer, the sun bounces off the glass, glaring back at me angrily. This is hopeless, absolutely hopeless. My hair in disarray, falls down, clouding my vision. Another sign. With Abby there was nothing, a dead end road, with signs telling you there is a way out without turning around, in the end you find out the only way out is to turn around. Going back to life without her, that's the only way out.   
  
A loud thumping in my ears, dampness on my forehead, my eyes divert from one end of the street to the other. Masses of people, swarming, pushing, shoving, none of which I want to see. None mean anything to me, a passing face, one that will soon blend into the rest, all the other meaningless figures. But her, she will never go... Her face will be there. Staring back at me, reminding me just how painful life is, a deep scar etched in my memory. In time the pain will fade, we will move on, but the ideas, the plans, they will never go. I mange to dislodge myself, I think I have a permanent indent in her sidewalk. Which will no longer be hers, on about three and a half hours. She's really following through with this. I dug through my memory, piece by piece, inch by inch. Sifting through the horrible memories, the good and the horribly good. Finding nothing to explain this. I run my fingers through my hair, combing it over to the side. No explanation, nothing.   
  
Hopeless...  
  
Every things just hopeless.  
  
I open the door, it creaks slightly, it seems as though the only times I see my kids are late at night. Sebastian lays on the floor, his heavy breathing assuring me that he is indeed asleep. I look up, Madison is curled into a protective ball on the couch, her hair strewn about the pillow.   
  
"They landed there when I picked them up this afternoon." Susan tells me quietly. I nod, letting her know I figured that much. She leads me into the light of the kitchen. Ever since Abby left yesterday, she's been concerned. Overly concerned. I'm fine, really. It might take me awhile to digest everything that's taken place over the last few months, but it will eventually sink in, the three of us will be fine. We made it this far, we will go further.   
  
"How have you been?" She asks soothingly, place a cup of boiling hot coffee in front of me. I take a quick sip, trying not to burn my mouth. Not that I need it like I use too when Abby was here.   
  
"I'm fine, Susan." I answer somewhat quickly, the dejected look on her face tells me that wasn't the exact answer she was searching for. I decide to put a quick end to her fishing expeditions. "I'm miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep, breathing wouldn't be so easy if it wasn't mechanical... I'm a wreck. Madison and Sebastian have been subdued ever since they found out. Nothing has been the same. I'm not so sure it ever will be. I try to tell myself its just a phase, we'll get by this. Just like we got by Becky's death. This might be a little less hard.... Painful." I sigh, she nods in understanding.   
  
"If its any consolation, I lost my best friend." Somehow it doesn't seem the same. I know Susan and Abby were close, very close. But nothing seems to add up to the pain I am feeling. I don't think she can fully comprehend it.   
  
"I don't know.." I sigh, "everything just seems so impossible lately." I look up, Sebastian is standing in the doorway, tear streaked face looking up at me.   
  
"Abby's gone forever?" He sobs, I pull him into my arms. His head finds my shoulder, sniffling quietly. I knew I never should have let her in his life, I should have sheltered him.   
  
"I'll never leave you Seb, you'll always have me." He sniffles a little, looking up to meet my eyes.   
  
"Promise." I kiss him on the forehead, trying to extend this moment.   
  
"Promise."   
  
**_Review Responses_**  
  
**fiery red-haired girl-** Liby says- Haha, aw, thanks. That's to your birthday thinggy for her lol. Well you know that Abby she's got on her addidas sneakers, they good for running. Or Nike, jsut do it!   
  
**Alex -** Abby has felt sort of withdrawn ever since she dealt with the little girl who had a similar story to Maddie. We never said that she turned down the job in Minnesota... soo lol. So she is leaving now. I hope that clarifys it for you. If not its like almsot midnight so I am tired lol. So ask me again and I'll try to do a better job lol. Sorry.   
  
**trish-** Liby says thanks :D Thanky ou, that was Liby's chapter.   
  
**smilez4eva-** Carter is getting fed up with the leaving thing I think.  
  
**smilez4eva-** Oh that was hope last Thursday, I am convinced!   
  
**FallenAngel-** KENNY IS SO HOT! I have never seen Keith Urban, but I like his songs, lemme look his pic up now. Right after I finish these reviews lol. Glad you liked the chapters... Seb is the man or the boy lol.   
  
**tars-** I don't think we have a Luka appearance yet in the next story, but one never knows lol. Carter does do something bout Abby.

**ER-Carby-Luva-** Liby says thanks. Um yeah updating has been kicking lately, I have had a little more time so things have been getting done. Glad you're liking the fic:)


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